Ellen Hopkins

“But then, my entire life is bullshit. The best things in it have vanished, ghosts. Ghosts I'll admit I created.”

“When People AskHow he’s doing now, I haveno idea what to say except for,“Better.” I don’t know if that’strue, or what goes on in a placelike Aspen Springs, not that any-one knows he’s there, thank God.He has dropped off most people’sradar, although that’s kind of odd.Before he took this unbelievableturn, Conner was top rung on oursocial ladder. But with his crashand burn no longer news of the day,all but a gossipy few have quittrying to fill in the blanks.One exception is Kendra, whofor some idiotic reason stillloves him and keeps asking abouthim, despite the horrible way hedumped her. Kendra may be pretty,but she’s not especially bright.”

“The StainThat Conner left on our lives willnot vanish as easily. I don’t careabout Mom and her birds.Their estimation of my brotherdoesn’t bother me at all. Neitherdo I worry about Dad andwhat his lobbyist buddies think.His political clout has not diminished.As twins go, Conner and I don’t sharea deep affection, but we do havea nine-months-in-the-same-wombconnection. Not to mentiona crowd of mutual friends. God,I’ll never forget going to schoolthe day after that ugly scene.The plan was to sever the gossipgrapevine from the start withan obvious explanation—accident. Mom’s orders wereclear. Conner’s reputationwas to be protected at all costs.When I arrived, the rumorshad already started, thanksto our neighbor, Bobby Duvall.Conner Sykes got hurt.Conner Sykes was shot.Conner Sykes is in the hospital.Is Conner Sykes, like, dead?I fielded every single questionwith the agreed fabrication.But eventually, I was forced toconcede that, though his woundswould heal, he was not comingback to school right away.Conner Sykes wasn’t dead.But he wasn’t exactly “okay.”

“I Won’t Fly TodayToo much to do, despite the snow,which made all local schools closetheir doors. What a winter! Usually,I love watching the white stuff fall.But after a month with only shortrespites, I keep hoping for a criticalblue sky. Instead, amazing wavesof silvery clouds sweep over the crestof the Sierra, open their obesebellies, and release foot upon footof crisp new powder. The skiresorts would be happy, exceptthe roads are so hard to travelthat people are staying home.So it kind of boggles the mindthat three guys are laying carpetin the living room. Just goes toshow the power of money. In lessthan an hour, the stain Conner lefton the hardwood will be a ghost.”

“Shane was born perfectly fine, despite the same genetic pairing. One in four.That's what their odds were. God gave Shelby SMA. Shane just got "gay".”

“Spilling a Secret What its size, will have varying consequences. It’s not possible to predict what will happen if you open the gunnysack, let the cat escape. A liberated feline might purr on your lap, or it might scratch your eyes out. You can’t tell until you loosen the knot. Do you chance losing a friendship, if that friend’s well-being will only be preserved by betraying sworn-to silence trust? Once the seam is ripped, can it be mended again? And if that proves impossible, will you be okay when it all falls to pieces?”

“Just keep on shining that light. The rest will take care of itself.”

“The stars shine as they always do. Same stars. Same sky. Only I am different.”

“DisappointmentCan do a couple things.It can drop you into a giantsucking sinkhole ofdepression,a place you have to fightto climb out of. Or itcan trigger an epicmaniato overcome the oddsand transform failureinto success. Say youswingas high as the chains willtake you because you seekthe thrill of flight, and on theup-kick, you lose your seat.Injury is likely. But if youworry about fallingdown,and never chance "up,"the sky will remainforever out of reach.”

“Not Exactly TrueThat skin hate is dead.There will never be colorblindness in a culture offear.But when you live afraidof your neighbor, the monsteryou should most walkin terror ofthrives.It starts as a little thing,small enough to burrowinto your pores, take upexcruciating residenceinthe dark recesses of your brain.Its name is paranoia,and it spreads like an oilspill, there inthe shadows,chokes your humanity.Threatens your soul.”

“LightThat's how I feel-like the winter-fringedbreeze might scoopme up into its wings,flyaway with me trappedin its feathered embrace.I am a snowflake.A wisp of eiderdown,liberatedfrom gravity. My bodyis light. Ephemeral.My head is light.I want to swaybeneaththe weight of air,dizzy with thought.Light filters throughmy closed eyelids.The sun,chasing shadows,tells me I'm notafloat in dreams.”

“At LastIt's a perfect winter day.No wind. No Arctic freeze.Cloudless azure sky. A dayto fly.Snow drapes the mountain like ermine, fabulous feather-light powder coaxing meto fleethe confines of my room, bravethe mostly plowed roadup to the closest ski resort.To runfrom the cloying silenceconnected Mom and Dad,into encompassing stillnessfar awayfrom city dirt and noiseFar above suburban gridlock.Far beyond the grasp of home.”

“GhostsTake shape under moonlight,materialize in dreams.Shadows. Silhouettesof what is no more. Butghosts don'tbother me. The day bringsbigger things to worry aboutthan flimsy remains ofyesterday. No, spooks don'tscare me.Gauzy apparitions mightprank your psyche oragitate your nightmares,but lackingflesh and bloodthey are powerlessto hurt you-cannot hopeto inflict the kind of damagethat real, livepeople do.”

“Don't botherMe with promises. Vows are cheaply manufactured,come with no guarantees.Don't bother to say youloveme. The word is indefinable.Joy to some, heartbreakto others, depending oncircumstance. Thereis evidence that the emotioncan make a person live longer,evidence it can kill you early.I think it's akin toa deadlydisease. Or at least some exotic fever. Catch it, andyou'd better, quick, swallowsome medication to use as a weaponagainst the fire ravagingbody and soul.”

“PrettyThat's what I am, I guess.I mean, people have been tellingme that's what I am sinceI was two. Maybe younger. Prettyas a picture. (Who wantsto be a cliché?) Pretty asan angel. (Can you see them?)Pretty as a butterfly. (But isn'tthat really just a glam bug?)Cliché, invisible, or insectlike,I grew up knowing I waspretty and believing everything goodabout me had to do with howI looked. The mirror was my bestfriend. Until it started telling me I wasn't really pretty enough.”

“Not exactly. I see a girl who wants to present someone special to the world. Someone beautiful. The pinnacle of beauty. But she has lost her hold on reality. Real beauty isn’t thin. It isn’t size two, unless you happen to be four foot ten. What the world sees when they look at you is someone who believes self-worth is all about how she looks, and that very often means that what she’s missing is love. Not someone else’s love. But love and respect for herself.”

“No, of course not. But surely you know your affair couldn't go on forever.""Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment and I wasn't ready for that moment to end.”

“Now that I have opened that bottle of memories they're pouring out like wine, crimson and bittersweet.”

“I wonder how long it would take him to realize I'm right as sin - it's the rest of the world that's wrong. I'm not even sure how I qualify for admission to Aspen Springs. Does wanting to die equal losing your mind?”

“I mean, if you're gonna purposely lose your mind,you want to get it back some day. Don't you? Okay, maybe not.”

“But I so want to walk that razor's edge,Take feeling to a whole new level.”

“Ghosts don't scare me. Flesh and blood people do.”

“Bad choices or good, if you never take chances, someone else will build your life for you.”

“I swallow any sort of apology."screwing your neighbor."There. Said it. React, okay?pregnant pause becomes three weeks overdue. Four weeks. Time for a C-section. What? Oh, Kaeleigh, I'm so sorry. Are you sure...?”

“She is madness,sanity. She is hell, andparadise.”

“She is angle. I amcurve. Together, we are geometricsculpture, and we make perfect sense.”

“LoveIs a curious thing. Sometimes it barrels into you, leaves you breathless. Other times, it comesin- to your life, a tentative beam of morning sun sneaking through the blinds, and you thinkthis light isn't possible. The shutters are drawn. Night should linger on. I don't feel like waking. Yet theroom comes slowly lit. Sleep slithers away, and at last you can no longer deny the dawning.”

“So you want to know all about me, Who I amWhat chance meeting of brush and canvas painted the faceyou see? what made me despise the girl in the mirrorenough to transform her, turn her into a stranger, only not.”

“Dream BiggerYou think. Stop letting small minded peopledictate your futurewhen allthey really want is foryou to accomplishthe work of two, for minimumwage. Reach higher, orelseplan for retirementin a cardboard box, prayingglobal warming is morethan a catchphrase.And if thatfailsto be the case,hope freezing to deathis really as simpleas falling asleep,to the lullaby of teeth chatter.Dream biggerbefore you can't rememberhow to dream at all.”

“I've Got A Little ProblemAnd I'm not really sure how to fix it.Not really sure I need to. Not really sure I could.Life is pretty good. But once in a while, uninvited and uninitiated anger invades me.It starts, a tiny gnaw at the back of my brain. Like a migraine except without pain. They say headaches blossom, but this isn't so much a blooming as a bleeding. Irritation bleeds into rage, seethes into fury. An ulcer, emptying hatred inside me. And I don't know why. Life is pretty good.So, what the hell?”

“HOW do you define a word without concrete meaning? To each his own, the saying goes, soWHYpush to attain an ideal state of being that no two random people will agree isWHERE you want to be? Faultless. Finished. Incomparable. People can never be these, and anyway,WHENdid creating a flawless facade become a more vital goal than learning to love the personWHOlives inside your skin? The outside belongs to others. Only you should decide for you -WHATis perfect.”

“Never accept evil as something you must walk with, something you deserve.”

“He is a gentleman! [He's a player.]”

“and suddenly, there is no Adam, no Chase, and there never, ever was.”

“Hell isn’t some fiery pit “down there.” It’s right here on Earth, in every dirty city, every yawning town.”

“I don’t belong here. I know that. But I don’t belong anywhere else, either. And that is at the heart of the black depression pressing down on me, flattening me. I have no place. No home. Sex, but no real affection. I am kept, but not cherished.”

“I hope I'm never a mom. But if I am, I'll make damn sure my kids look up to me.”

“Can’t promise I’ll stay. That would be lying. And I’m so, so tired of lies.”

“If I come back to you now, can we be what we were before life’s uncertain rhythms tore us so far apart? If I return today, will your arms gather me in, or will I be wrenched away, snatched by riptide I have no power to resist? If I find my way to you, one man standing in a crowd, will I even know who you are?”

“Even without them touching me, I feel dirty about what I do. Alex does even filthier things but says it all washes off with soap. I don’t believe that. I think it all leaves stains. Indelible stains.”

“I told her about the man, not my daddy, she said, He was only making you into a real girl. I didn’t understand. But I made myself believe her. I was a real girl now. But what was I before?”

“And if we're truly one, how will I breathe when circumstance pries us apart? You are my oxygen, my sustenance, the blood inside my veins. When we touch, you are my skin, hold all my joy inside of you. When you go, I wither.”

“You can’t walk away from someone you love, leave them drowning in your desertion. If love has no more meaning than that, you can keep it. I don’t want it now or ever again. Don’t want to hear the word or wear its scars.”

“When You Weren’t Looking The child became a woman, though she wasn’t ready to. Don’t ask how or why. Those questions are not important ones. Can’t you see you didn’t care enough to notice?”

“Love is more than blind. It’s brain-dead.”

“When all choice is taken from you, life becomes a game of survival.”

“But Hey, Guess What Crazy means I'm not liablefor my actions. So screw it, I'll go home, propped up on Prozac against distractions”

“I know I can't stay here forever”

“HAPPY EVER AFTERis a concept I'll never believein. I would be content to samplesome little taste of happinesstoday, tonight, right now. Though I knowwithout a doubt that tomorrowwill come saturated with pain.Life is like that. At leastmy life. And honestly, I cantthink of anyone whose lifeis any different. The pricetag for joy is misery. [...]”

“When I was little, my friends would gush over wedding gowns and honeymoons. But I saw too many people flush decades together down the toilet over money or kids or meaningless flings. My own parents chose to stay married, which I think is rather funny, since they show about as much affection for each other as pit bulls in a ring. Tying the knot means slipping a noose around love and choking it to death.”