Eoin Colfer

“What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?""No, Julius. It's the end of the circus.""I see. And these are the clowns?"Foaly's head poked through the doorway."Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?”

“Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell?N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off."Aaarrk," Artemis half choked.”

“Si gano, soy un genio. Si pierdo, estoy loco. Así es como se escribe la historia.”

“The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.”

“We lost the crickets," she said. "Even you can't make that sound tough."..."I am Butler," he said with a straight-face. "Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy.”

“Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.""I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?" said Holly.”

“Anything can be real. Every imaginable thing is happening somewhere along the dimensional axis. These things happen a billion times over with exactly the same outcome and no one learns anything. Whatever a person can think, imagine, wish for, or believe has already come to pass. Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamers.”

“Connor Broekhart was born to fly, or more accurately he was born flying.”

“Control puberty?" snorted the bodyguard."If you manage that, you'll be the first.”

“I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.”

“I want you to know, my dear friend, that without you, I would not be the person I am today." He leaned in close and whispered, "I was a broken boy, and you fixed me. Thank you.”

“That’s what I thought. When I looked that human in the face. I figured he was either a genius or crazy.” Artemis’s cool eyes glared at them from the screen. “So which is it?” asked Foaly. “A genius or crazy?”Root grabbed his tri-barreled blaster from the gun rack.“What’s the difference?”

“How was your... eh... trip?”Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. “Um, eventful...”

“Artemis turned and stared at his friend with the blue eyes. Holly was staring back, and she was smiling. “I remember,” she said aloud. “You saved me.”Artemis smiled back. “It never happened,” he said.”

“Maybe I’ll keep you.” Abbot chuckled and prodded Artemis’s back with his sword. “It’d be nice to have a pet human around. I could teach you tricks.”“I have a trick for you,” said Artemis, and he fired a single blast from the gun.”

“Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks.”

“Artemis Fowl grinned right back at him and pointed his index finger to the sky... from the tip of this finger sprang a small blue spark that exploded like a tiny firework. “I know magic can be stolen,” said Artemis. “Because I stole some myself.”

“Butler,” he called, his voice thin and childlike in the wind. “Yes, Artemis, what?”“If something goes wrong, wait for me. No matter how it looks, I will return. I will bring them all back.”

“This is the only way. I will not allow humans or fairies to die when I might have prevented it.” Butler would not give up. “Listen to yourself. You sound like a... like a good guy! There’s nothing in this for you.”

“Holly, do you trust me?”Holly groaned. “Artemis, don’t ask me that. I just know one of your outrageous plans is coming.”“Do you trust me?”“Yes,” Holly sighed. “I do. More than anyone.”

“Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler.“Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.”Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.”“Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.”

“Will you miss him Holly?” he asked suddenly. [...] “No,” she said. “I will not miss him.” But her eyes told the real story.”

“I have to tell you, Arty, a screw up this early in the proceedings doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I hope you’re as clever as you keep telling everyone you are.” “I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared...”

“Humans have a saying that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", which basically means that if you think it's beautiful, then it is beautiful. The elfin version of this saying was composed by the great poet B.O Selecta, who said "Even the plainest of the plain shall deign to reign", which critics have always thought was a bit rhymey. The dwarf version of this maxim is "If it don't stink, marry it", which is slightly less romantic, but the general gist is the same.”

“Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.”

“Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead," she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved."And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead.”

“Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll.""Really?" Argon was interested now. "No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual.”

“Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?”

“Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here?”

“Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn’t there some law that says we get twenty-four?Artemis: I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws.”

“My truffles? You took them? That's just mean!”

“Don't worry chief,"said foaly,"It's like riding a unicorn,you never forget.”

“Artemis ducked. Cudgeon didn't. Guess what? Artemis was smarter.”

“It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.”

“It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy”

“The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.”

“Saint Bartleby's School for Young GentlemenAnnual ReportStudent: Artemis Fowl IIYear: FirstFees: PaidTutor: Dr PoLanguage ArtsAs far as I can tell, Artemis has made absolutely no progress since the beginning of the year. This is because his abilities are beyond the scope of my experience. He memorizes and understands Shakespeare after a single reading. He finds mistakes in every exercise I administer, and has taken to chuckling gently when I attempt to explain some of the more complex texts. Next year I intend to grant his request and give him a library pass during my class.MathematicsArtemis is an infuriating boy. One day he answers all my questions correctly, and the next every answer is wrong. He calls this an example of the chaos theory, and says that he is only trying to prepare me for the real world. He says the notion of infinity is ridiculous. Frankly, I am not trained to deal with a boy like Artemis. Most of my pupils have trouble counting without the aid of their fingers. I am sorry to say, there is nothing I can teach Artemis about mathematics, but someone should teach him some manners.Social StudiesArtemis distrusts all history texts, because he says history was written by the victors. He prefers living history, where survivors of certain events can actually be interviewed. Obviously this makes studying the Middle Ages somewhat difficult. Artemis has asked for permission to build a time machine next year during double periods so that the entire class may view Medieval Ireland for ourselves. I have granted his wish and would not be at all surprised if he succeeded in his goal.ScienceArtemis does not see himself as a student, rather as a foil for the theories of science. He insists that the periodic table is a few elements short and that the theory of relativity is all very well on paper but would not hold up in the real world, because space will disintegrate before lime. I made the mistake of arguing once, and young Artemis reduced me to near tears in seconds. Artemis has asked for permission to conduct failure analysis tests on the school next term. I must grant his request, as I fear there is nothing he can learn from me.Social & Personal DevelopmentArtemis is quite perceptive and extremely intellectual. He can answer the questions on any psychological profile perfectly, but this is only because he knows the perfect answer. I fear that Artemis feels that the other boys are too childish. He refuses to socialize, preferring to work on his various projects during free periods. The more he works alone, the more isolated he becomes, and if he does not change his habits soon, he may isolate himself completely from anyone wishing to be his friend, and, ultimately, his family. Must try harder.”

“Mulch was not impressed. 'I'm not impressed,' he said.”

“The little boys did as they were told, eager to please their deranged brother."Ici, garcon," they chorused, pudgy fingers raised. And then from the corner of his mouth, Myles whispered to his twin, "Artemis simple-toon.”

“Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team”

“Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.”

“The two of them went down in a heap, with not even a turkey to break their fall.”

“Ma was using her for-company voice. Sweet on the outside but with an underlying death threat.”

“In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children.”

“Sounded like girls. Mixed feelings on that score. He didn't despise them with the same passion he used to. In fact, Benny suspected that there would come a time in the not-too-distant future when he might develop a mysterious interest in them.”

“Benny was awake again. Happened every morning.”

“So why don't we have a go? There are two of us.'Little Mike realized that his friend was actually serious. 'Two of us? Father Hillary had God Almighty helping out, and look where it got him.''I know. But we're a team. For years, since primary. Batman and Robin.''Robin got killed,' said Mike.Christy was shocked. 'He did not, did he? Jesus, I didn't hear about that.''Yeah. It was a big shock. The Joker kilt him.''That fuckin' Joker. I didn't see that coming.' ("Taking on PJ")”

“Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamers”

“Who or what inspires you?""I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.”

“Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.”