Eoin Colfer

“I'm not impressed”

“I'm on my feet, pacing around the room, punching a fist into my palm, which I stop doing when I realise how drama queen it feels.”

“Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?”

“Red was smiling back at me. “Ok. I'm not in trouble. But tell me your heart didn't start beating for the first time in a month.”I couldn't deny it. So I didn't.”

“Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but decided to give Holly the benefit of the doubt. Captain Short plucked a gold coin from her belt, flicking it fifty feet into the moonlit sky. With one fluid movement, she brought her weapon up and loosed a single blast. The coin rose another fifty feet, then spun earthward. Artemis somehow managed to snatch it from the air. The first cool movement of his young life. "Nice shot," he said. The previously solid disk now had a tiny hole in the center. Holly held out her hand, revealing the still raw scar on her finger. "If it wasn't for you, I would have missed altogether. No mech-digit can replicate that kind of accuracy. So, thank you too, I suppose." Artemis held out the coin. "No," said Holly. "You keep it, to remind you." "To remind me?" Holly stared at him frankly. "To remind you that deep beneath the layers of deviousness, you have a spark of decency. Perhaps you could blow on that spark occasionally." Artemis closed his fingers around the coin. It was warm against his palm. "Yes, perhaps.”

“Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly.""Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health.""Child geniuses," growled Holly."Genii," said Minerva.”

“Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet.”

“aurum est potestas”

“Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.”

“Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do.”

“Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?”

“Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes.""That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly."Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.”

“Si je gagne, je suis un génie, si je perd, je suis fou.”

“Most craft give a nod, however brief and unfriendly, towards beauty. Vogon ships did not nod towards beauty. They pulled on ski masks and mugged beauty in a dark alley They spat in the eye of beauty and bludgeoned their wait through the notions of aesthetics and aerodynamics. Vogon cruisers did not so much travel through space as defile it and toss it aside.”

“The Hitchhiker's Guide is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable.”

“There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.”

“Boo-hoo. Help me, I'm a girl. What kind of modern woman are you? A smart one.”

“Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.”

“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”

“Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.”

“A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl”

“to be injured on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death—or at the very least abject humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season's tail end, which was slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer.”

“Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back.- Artemis Fowl”

“There are always a few bored audience members at an opera, especially by the time act four comes along. Those particular eyes would be wandering around the hall, searching for something, anything, interesting to watch. Those eyes would land on the little demon downstage right, unless they were distracted.Right on cue, a large stage lamp broke free of its clamp in the rigging and swung on its cable into the back canvas. [...]On his way though the lobby minutes later, Artemis was highly amuse to overhear several audience members gushing over the unorthodox direction of the opera's final scene. The exploding lamp, muse one buff, was doubtless a metaphor for Norma's own falling star. But no, argued a second. The lamp was obviously a modernistic interpretation of the burning stake that Norma was about to face.Or perhaps, thought Artemis as he pushed through the crowd to find a light Sicilian mist falling on his forehead, the exploding lamp was simply an exploding lamp.”

“Victor Vigny: It is like the old fairy tale. The boy saves the princess; they fall in love. He invents a flying machine - along with his dashing teacher, of course. They get married and name thier firstborn after the aforementioned dashing teacher.Conor: I don't recall that fairy tale from the nursery.Victor Vigny: Trust me, It's a classic.”

“Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said."Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.”

“As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick.”

“Hey, if you can't remember, don't worry about it. I'm having a few memory problems myself in this place. Little things like how long I've been here, what my purpose in life is, which feet to put my shoes on. Stuff like that.”

“Miss me? Bet you did ... so would I.”

“I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.”

“People like me, LB, the truly great ones ... we are always alone.”

“You display inordinate pride for someone who has completed a task which could have been performed by a lesser primate in a shorter time.”

“Holly is alive,' thought Foaly'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon”

“Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.”

“Yes, Chix, it's between us. Everyone has a right to be temporarily unstable.- Foaly”

“Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!”

“I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers.”

“Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.Artemis straightened his tie.Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that.”

“Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?”

“When you've come face-to-face with the dark side of the school yard, life doesn't hold many surprises.”

“Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.”

“You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually.”

“The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.”

“You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.”

“Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them.”

“Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery.”

“So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?"The boy extended a dripping hand straight up. "My name is Orion. I am so pleased to meet you at last. I am, of course, your servant."Holly shook the proferred hand, thinking that manners were lovely, but she really needed someone cunning and ruthless right now, and this kid didn't appear to be very cunning.”

“It was calling me, that button," he offered as his excuse. "I couldn't resist." -MULCH DIGGUMS ON A HIGHLY PRESS-ABLE BUTTON-”

“Not me," said Orion cheerily. "I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And may I say ,young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction."Holly lifted her visor and looked the hormonal teenager in the eye. "This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.""Oh, I'm crazy, alright. I do have plenty of psychoses," said Orion Cheerily. "Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.”

“A metaphorical weight lifted from his allegorical chest and Artemis Fowl felt himself again.”