Eoin Colfer

“I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.”

“I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?”

“I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.”

“You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.”

“Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.”

“She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl”

“I miss my suits...”

“That was all he said, except for "Aaaeerrgghhh." Which is not really a word. But the reason that he screamed "Aaaeerrgghhh" was that Franco had bitten him savegly on the wrist.”

“I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.”

“If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees.”

“Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.--Artemis Fowl”

“Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something."Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?”

“What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?”

“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.”

“Trust me. I'm a genius.”

“No Fletcher. Wake up, boy. Those are the flames of Hell. Dermont dropped out of school, so that's where he's headed. See the little horns? -Ms. Quinn”

“I don't like lollipops.”

“Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.”

“If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.”

“I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler?”

“If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.”

“Good. Illegal is always faster.”

“(about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)”

“A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.”

“And one more thing. About my name — Artemis — you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.”

“Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.”

“I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.”