George Carlin

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

“Twat is twat and that is that.”

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. ”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? ”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“If we could only find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”

“Tits always look better in a pink sweater.”

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.”

“You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos”

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”

“There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.”

“I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

“Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”

“It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”

“We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”

“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

“The status quo sucks.”

“Think off center.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”

“Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ”

“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? ”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”

“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”