Gina Damico

“Uncle Mort after explaining to Lex and Driggs that the ether, Elixir, and other things affects fertility: That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony whenever you want to. Got it?”

“Next thing Driggs knew, Lex was rummaging around in the closet. 'Are you looking for your sanity?' he called after her. 'Because I do believe it showed itself out a while ago.”

“Uncle Mort to Lex and Driggs: And if I hear any article of clothing being unzipped, unstrapped, unhooked, or unbuckled, you will lose the body part that it corresponds to. Understand?”

“There comes a time in every young girl's life when she is instructed by a complete stranger to scale a tall ladder for dinner atop a roof, and in almost every case the best thing to do is refuse and run home to call the asylum from which the stranger escaped.”

“The festivities were broken up by Pandora, who lobbed a scoop of ice cream at Lex that landed on the table with a sticky sploosh.“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!” she screeched, jigging back into the kitchen.”

“Onion ring?" Zara said, handing her a leftover carton.As everyone knows, the offer of an onion ring is not to be taken lightly. Onion rings are far more valuable than their throwaway side dish counterparts -- french fries and potato chips -- and, as such, have brought about numerous reconciliations throughout history.”

“It suddenly occurred to both Driggs and Lex, in that very same instant, that neither of them wanted anything more in the world than to tear off every single piece of each other's clothes and make wild, passionate, messy adolescent love under the radiant glow of the full moon.Their chests rose and fell. A few seconds passed."I'm going to sleep," Driggs panted, clambering off the roof."Me too," Lex huffed, right behind him.And without another word they fled to their rooms, slammed the doors, and threw themselves into bed, where they both spent the next five hours dazedly contemplating their respective ceilings.”

“Souls live on without their bodies. But bodies without souls are nothing but compost.”

“Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her."That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?”

“Do something!" Norwood told him."Do what?" Uncle Mort's face was furious. "Fly up there and get it? You bring your broomstick, Hel?”

“Fine!" he relented, giving her a dirty look. "But only if you stay in front."She rolled her eyes. "My, what chivalry.""To hell with chivalry. Your idea, you die first.”

“No, I mean the key," he said. "It's made of bone."Lex raised an eyebrow. "As in ivory?""As in human."She let out a shriek and dropped it."Sweet dreams," he said with a smirk, closing the door.”

“We were just showering," Lex muttered."Of course," Uncle Mort said. "Everyone knows how impossible it is to zestfully clean without assistance.”

“Um, sweetums?" Driggs piped up.Lex blew a sweaty clump of hair off her forehead. "What did you just call me?"He sank further under her glower. "I just - ow !”

“You lied to me!" "You're going to have to be more specific. What did I lie to you about this time?”

“Who knows why you kids do any of the crap you do?""And who knows why you guys are such assholes?" Lex countered, taking a sip of her soda. "Life is just full of little mysteries, isn't it?”

“Driggs, wake up." she shook him. "Driggs!""Whaaat?" he groaned, squinting. "Why again? With the shaking?"She held up the scrap. "I just found this in your pants."Driggs raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing in my pants?"She smacked him. "Focus! Read what it says.”

“Uncle Mort pounded on the ceiling of the basement."I sense affection!" he yelled. "Knock it off, you two!"Scowling at the camera, Lex retreated to the other end of the couch while Driggs pulled his shirt back down and gave her a disappointed look."Next time Crash us to a hotel room, okay?" he grumbled.”

“What about a warning system?" Heloise said."The entire encounter lasted less than five seconds, Hel. I doubt that even with your admirable ability to sprint in heels, you would have been able to get there in time.”

“Where did you hear that?" he shouted over Driggs' cries of pain from the back seat."Driggs told me," she quickly answered."Thanks, pumpkin," Driggs groaned. "Love you too.”

“Hang on," Driggs said as Lex pulled out Bone's note. "She might be right."Lex gave him a look. "You don't have to sound so shocked about it.""But it happens so rarely. Like an eclipse.”

“What colour was her scythe?""Sadly, I wasn't able to take the time to appreciate its subtle hues as it tore through my skin.”

“And I got myself a camel," Cordy finished with a smile.Lex stared at her. "Why?""Duh, Lex, because I can .”

“But Mort caught me before I even left the house and insisted on taking me himself, figuring that I would probably go and investigate on my own no matter how many times he stopped me.""Little Driggs sounds a lot like me," Said Lex."Please don't besmirch his memory.”

“Five minutes later she had rearranged them into several words, none of which made any sense."Nosy tennis?" she said. "No, wait. Sticky cabin? Shitty chicken?"Driggs frowned. "Wait-""Shitty chicken? Really, Driggs?""No, no. Cabin.”

“Yeah, well, love doesn't always beat out the fear.""Sometimes it does," he replied with a smile, pecking her on the nose."Christ, Driggs. You're turning into a Lifetime movie.""Your defense mechanisms are captivating, as always.”

“At least yours talks," Elysia said, irritably shoving a fry into her mouth. "Mine just stares. Like a cow.”

“I was a teenage boy once too, you know," Uncle Mort said, popping back up. "I know what your brain looks like. It's a three-ring circus in there.”

“So here's the deal: You will sleep in separate bedrooms. You will leave your doors open at all times. You will keep the public displays of affection to a minimum. You will attempt to dismantle any of my surveillance equipment, which, I remind you, covers nearly every room of this house. And if I hear any article of clothing being unzipped, unstrapped, unhooked, or unbuckled, you will lose the body part that it corresponds to. Understand?"Lex and Driggs looked at each other, then nodded, defeated.”

“And speaking of Terms, we need to set a few ground rules here with...this," he said, clearing his throat and gesturing at the two of them."With what?" Lex said."That," Uncle Mort replied, pointing to a suspicious-looking mark on her neck.Lex's hand flew to her throat while Driggs shifted, uneasy. "Why?" he asked."Don't 'why?' me, Romeo. You know I trust you, but Lex is still my niece. In the absence of her father, it's up to me to do everything in my power to complicate and interfere with her budding love life."Lex frowned. "Hey-”

“They had completely failed to notice Norwood and Heloise storming out of the house, Uncle Mort scaling the ladder, and the fact he was now staring at them and had been for several minutes."Good grief," he said. "As if I didn't have enough to worry about."Lex and Driggs jumped apart and wiped spittle from their mouths. "What's up?" Driggs said in a terrible attempt at nonchalance."Hormone levels obviously.”

“And you're going to help me find it.""Oh, really?" he replied with a wry grin. "Why's that?""Because you promised to love me," she said in a dopey voice. "And, uh...honor me...and protect..."He snickered. "Shut up, spaz.”

“After a minute or so, Lex pushed him away. "Stop.""Why?" He looked horrified. "What's wrong?""Nothing-""Was it that thing I did with my tongue?""Um, no. Your tongue and its many talents are perfect. Keep up the good work." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled-up scrap of paper.”

“And as much as I'd love to continue exploring the existential implications of Damning roadkill, the truth is" - he plunged his hands into his hair until it stuck up even more than usual - "you've been back here in my presence for two agonising hours now, and if we don't properly make out soon, I'm going to hurl myself off the roof."Lex blinked.Then Driggs smushed his lips to hers so quickly that she had to grab the gutter to keep from falling.”

“Hi, I'm Driggs.""Damn, boy. You're even cuter up close." Cordy looked him up and down hungrily. "Got any dead brothers in here?"Lex made a face. "Cordy, ew.""Doesn't hurt to ask!" She peered at Driggs. "Now tell me, what are your intentions with my sister?"Driggs became flustered. "Um, I don't know. To love her...and, uh...honor...protect..."Lex went red. "Driggs, shut up.""Awkward." Cordy beamed. "Love it.""We have to go," Driggs said in an unnecessarily loud voice.”

“What about me? I'll be okay in here. The Afterlife may be second-best cheesecake, but it's still cheesecake.”

“Maybe I should off myself right now and come join you."Cordy frowned. "Why?""Well," said Lex, "it's no picnic over here in the land of the living. The whole town hates me, Mom and Dad probably despise me, there's an angry, murderous bitch tearing up the country, I've got your death to avenge and no one's offering ME any hard candy.”

“Lex studied her. "Wait a sec. You're happy here?"The expression on Cordy's face confirmed this. "Not gonna lie, Lex. It's pretty bitchin'.""So I've been worried sick about you this whole time, picturing you miserable and wrecked and plotting my excruciating demise, and you're telling me this has all been a summer cruise?""Yeah. Sorry.”

“Ferbus stared in wonder. "He's like a bag of microwave popcorn."Driggs finally spoke, his voice equally amazed. "But popcorn tends to stop popping after a couple of minutes. He's...still going.”

“you've been back here in my presence for two agonizing hours now, and if we don't properly make out soon, I'm going to hurl myself off the roof.”

“Here's the thing,' he said, his face strained. 'It's just that I've been treading really carefully around you and this whole Cordy thing all day, just like Mort told me to. And I had to make sure you saw her and were okay with it and got home safe — again, just like Mort told me to. And as much as I'd love to continue exploring the implications of Damning roadkill, the truth is' — he plunged his hands into his hair until it stuck up even more than usual — 'you've been back here in my presence for two agonizing hours now, and if we don't properly make out soon, I'm going to hurl myself off the roof.”

“Why, you want me to hook you two up?"Cordy eyed her, then let out a grunt. "Could you? Michael Thorley turned out to be an assclown, and the rest of this place is nothing but a barren wasteland of undateability. The only guy who's shown the slightest amount of interest in me this summer is Mr. Papadopoulos on the third floor of the nursing home. He says I have the ass of a Russian call girl.""Ah, senility.”

“Lex froze. "What boy?""That boy I saw you with, before you came up to ring the bell. The windows of this house are fully functional, you know."Lex didn't even bother with a lie this time. "His name is Driggs. He's my partner.""Ah, partner. How very Law and Order.""Shut up, that's just how it works.""I see. And have you two had a romp in the hay yet, or would that upset Mr. Frizzle the rooster?”

“Hey, one week, huh, Lex?" he said, tossing her a Cuff. "Here's your graduation gift.""Sweet." she slid it onto her wrist. It felt cool, with a slight vibration to it. "Thanks.""So, you feel all trained up? Driggs teach you everything he knows?""Yes. I'm now fully qualified to operate a can opener."Driggs let out a sigh. "What a lovable scamp you've bestowed upon our fair town, Mort.""My pleasure," he said to Driggs.”

“What?" he asked."Nothing. Your bony hands of death amuse me, that's all.""Wait until yours look the same," he said, preparing to scythe."Wait - what?" She batted the sapphire blade out of his hands. "What do you mean? Is that why everyone around here has such creepy fingers?""Yeah." He bent down to pick up his scythe. "I don't know why it happens, though. Probably the same weird reason our hair goes all wonky.""What?" she barked, knocking his scythe to the ground once more."Stop that!""What happens to our hair?"He gestured to the disaster atop his head. "You think I want to look like a drunken hedgehog all the time? It's from hanging out in the ether so much. It messes with your follicles or something. Doesn't happen to everyone, but I can assure you that Ferbus's wasn't always the color of a prison jumpsuit, Zara wasn't born Silvylocks, and Mort's been rocking the electrocution look for years. Look, yours has gotten straighter already."Lex ran a hand through her hair. It had lost some of its poofyness. There had been so many other circuses of insanity to deal with that she hadn't even noticed. It was calm, manageable, even - she shuddered to think it - sleek and shiny."Oh my God," she said in disgust. "I'm a shampoo commercial.”

“Elysia!" Driggs interrupted. "Slow the hell down."She grinned at Lex. "Sorry. I talk a lot when I get excited.""That's okay," Lex said with an impish nod. "We all have our flaws. Driggs here loves Titanic.""Really??"Driggs folded his arms and studied the girls. "I can already see the ramifications of an alliance between you two. And they are troublesome.”

“Are we going to unload these things?" she asked, a trace of nervousness creeping into her voice. "They're starting to gross me out.""They're just souls.""But they're warm. Like eggs. I feel like a spawning salmon.”

“Poison? Drugs?""No chemical works that instantly. You saw the guy - it looked like he was still reading his program.""Then what, magical fairy dust? Vulcan death grip?""Focus, Lex. Wake up that lonely brain cell.”

“Driggs whispered to Lex out of the side of his mouth as they walked, "I never got grounded before you came here.""You never touched a boob before I came here either.""Touché." He flashed a goofy grin as Uncle Mort shoved him into his room and slammed the door. "Worth it!”

“I wouldn't go around telling people about these shocks of yours.""Why not?" Lex asked."It's like announcing to the would you have crabs. It's embarrassing, and no one'll ever shake your hand again.”