Groucho Marx

“I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.”

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

“All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.”

“This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“Eu não sou vegetariano, mas como animais que são.”

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”

“أعتقد أن التليفزيون وسيلة ثقافية هامة للغاية .. كلما وجدت شخصاً يقوم بتشغيله، أذهب إلى غرفة أخرى لقراءة كتاب”

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“Trovo la televisione molto educativa. Ogni volta che qualcuno la accende, vado in biblioteca e leggo un buon libro.”

“Piję, by uczynić ludzi bardziej interesującym.”

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home."Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:”

“John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me.""What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?""Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”

“All geniuses die young.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,I came to say, I must be going.I’m glad I came, but just the same,I must be going.”

“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“I'll teach you to kick me...'You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?Woman: Really?Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

“If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”