Ilona Andrews

“When you walk a dog on a short leash, she's close enough to bite you.”

“He joked while Dali cut him, mangling the words with his monstrous jaws, snarled with a pretended rage and dramatically promised to "kirrrl youraaalll for this!”

“He groaned and I saw his face. "Curran!" I would've preferred a homicidal lunatic. Oh, wait...”

“Your date appears to be hysterical," Rene told me."You think I should slap some man into him?”

“I sighed and put Slayer between the front seats. "Stay here. Guard the car."Saiman shut the door. "Is the sword sentient?""No. But I like to pretend it is.”

“Kate Daniels, trained negotiator. When in possession of some valuable information, give it away to the first sexy man you see with no guarantee of return.”

“I lied. I need your help.""Who are we killing?""Do you have a pen?”

“Obviously I was missing the whole picture. Any minute now he would leap up, wrench the two-inch silver alloy bars apart despite the fact that silver was toxic to shapeshifters, and heroically kick Saiman's ass. Any minute now. Any minute.”

“What kind of shapeshifter has orange fur anyway?" "Weredingo." Now I'd seen everything. Well, at least he didn't steal my baby.”

“I thought of telling him that if it wasn't for Oklahoman cowboys and Mexican whores having a bit of fun, there would've been no Texans, but that would be counterproductive.”

“You know anything about investigative work?""Sure. Annoy the people involved until the guilt party tries to make you go away.”

“On the other hand it was bad manners to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if you're getting it from an overweight cracker in a fringe shirt.”

“When life backs you into a corner and offers you no escape, when your friends, your lover, and your family abandon you, when you're at the end of your rope, panicked, alone, and losing your mind, you know you'd give anything to make your problems go away. Then, desperate and eager, you will come to Unicorn Lane, seeking salvation in its magics and secrets. You'll do anything, pay any price. Unicorn Lane will take you in, shroud you in its power, fix your problems, and exact its price. And then you will learn what 'anything' really means.”

“The decorator of Las Colimas must have been a great admirer of both early Aztec and late Taco Bell architectural styles.”

“The Oracle rose. As one, the three witches bowed."See?" Bran jerked his thumb at the three women. "That's how a woman should treat a man. Next time you see me, I want you to do just like them.”

“If you don't explain it all to me, I might strangle somebody." Of course, Raphael might like that...”

“You know," she said, stirring her tea, "the fastest way to get him off your back is to sleep with him. And tell him you love him. Preferably while in bed."I smirked and the tea almost came out of my nose. "He'd run like he was on fire.”

“Nice plan. Take the gullible outsiders, walk them around for a bit, then feed them to the giant tortoise.”

“In there?'She nodded.'You want us to go into the tortoise?'Another nod.'It's alive.'Another nod.”

“He lunged for the maps. I grabbed the chair and hit him with it. He went down. I hit him again to make sure he stayed that way, stepped over him, and picked up the maps."I win.”

“I had to give it him, to flatter and insult a woman in one propostition took talent.”

“Secret to what?""Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and"--he raised his hands--"blessed silence.”

“He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.”

“Say ‘pop.’ ”“Pop?”“That was the sound of me pulling your head out of your ass. If you stick it back up there again, there is nothing I can do about it. This is the only lecture you’ll ever get from me.”

“Just once I want it to be easy and neat. But no, there is never a good decision. I pick what I can live with.”

“Have your vote. But know this: if you come to remove me, come in force, because if you try to separate me from him, I will kill every single one of you. My hand won't shake. My aim won't falter. My face will be the last thing you'll see before you die.”

“If you come back to me, I'll never leave you", I whispered into the furry ear. "I'll make you all the pies you could ever eat.”

“We should clap or something." Curran said. "She's trying so hard.”

“I almost had her."Curran nodded. "I heard. And you could've taken her, too."My voice came out flat. "Rub it in, why don't you."He grinned. "No time for that now, maybe later."I closed my eyes. There wouldn't be any later."Are you imagining me rubbing it in?" he asked.”

“Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...”

“Hey, would you look at that shit?"I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle."Clear out!" I barked.They paid me no mind. Asshole innocent bystanders.”

“I picked up the phone and dialed Andrea's extension. “Yes?” “He glued the chair to my ass.” Silence.”

“The phone rang. I picked it up. “Are you sitting down?” Curran's voice asked. “Yes.” “Good.” Click.I listened to the disconnect signal. If he wanted me to sit, then I'd stand. I got up. The chair got up with me and I ended up bent over my desk, with the chair stuck to my butt. I grabbed the edge of the chair and tried to pull it off. It remained stuck. I would murder him. Slowly. And I'd enjoy every second of it.”

“What's that?""That's my attack poodle.”

“The intruder hesitated, turned, and anchored itself in the corner, where the ceiling met the wall. It sat there, fastened to the paneling by enormous yellow talons, still and silent like a gargoyle in full sunlight. I took a swig from the bottle and set it so I could still see the creatures reflection. Nude and hairless, it didn't carry a single ounce of fat on its lean frame. Its skin stretched so tight over the cords of muscle, it threatened to snap. Like a thin layer of wax melted over an anatomy model. Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.”

“Yes, I'm too mad to punish you right now. We'll talk about it when we get home. Go brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on dry clothes, and get the guns. We're going to Wal-Mart.”

“It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?”

“I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.”

“I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.”

“It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.”

“It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, "Who's diving for clams now, bitch?”

“He put the book down. “As you wish.” He rose and walked past me. I lowered my sword, expecting him to pass, but suddenly he stepped in dangerously close. “Welcome home. I’m glad you made it. There is coffee in the kitchen for you.”My mouth gaped open.He inhaled my scent, bent close, about to kiss me…I just stood there like an idiot.Curran smirked and whispered in my ear instead. “Psych.”And just like that, he was out the door and gone.Oh boy.”

“Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.”

“She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.”

“Give me a few minutes.”“You have time.” He sat in the grass.“Are you just going to sit there and watch me?”“Yes. Watching pretty peasant girls is what we poor little rich boys do best.”“Peasant?”He shrugged. “You started the name calling.”

“You slept with Curran and you didn’t tell me? I’m your best friend.”“It didn’t come up.”“How disappointing for you.”Ha-ha. “That’s not what I meant.”

“The phone rang. I picked it up. "Kate Daniels""It's me," Curran said. "I—" I hung up.”

“I looked at the canine companion. “Me cookies. You stay.”

“He scooped me up and suddenly I was pressed against his chest. “Were you worried about me?”"No, I’m ranting for fun, because I’m a disagreeable bitch!”

“Curran looked at me. “What the hell was I supposed to do, catch the werebison as he was falling?”