Ilona Andrews

“After I chased the werewolf and the vampire out of my office, I changed my clothes.”

“Why were you in a vehicle with Kate, alone? What were you wearing? What was she wearing? How long were you there? Did you do something or did you talk? What was the nature of your discussion? Could this trip have been avoided?" I rubbed my face. "So basically you're scared that His Lordship might get his panties in a bunch?""That's one way to put it.”

“Kate makes good sausage," Jim said.Six pairs of eyes stared at me. Thank you, Mr. Wonderful. Just what I needed."Oh yeah," Andrea snapped her fingers. "The links? The ones we had the beginning of the month? I didn't know you made those. I thought they were bought. They were so good." Her smile was positively cherubic. Of all the times not to be able to shoot laser beams out of my eyes..."What do you put into your sausage, Kate?" Raphael wanted to know, giving me a perfectly innocent look.Werejaguars with big mouths with a pinch of werehyena thrown in. "Venison and rabbit.""That sounds like some fine sausage," Doolittle said. "Will you share the recipe?""Sure.""I had no idea you were a sausage expert," Curran said with a completely straight face.Die, die, die, die...Even Derek cracked a smile. Raphael put his head down on the table and jerked a little."Is he choking?" Dali asked, wrinkling her forehead."No, he just needs a moment," Curran said. "Young bouda males. Easily excitable.”

“What do you do to your hair?" "Dust, hair gel, and a little gun oil." "Ever thought of patenting the recipe?" "No.”

“He referred to you as his little snack.""He's a sweetie.”

“Had he expected me to hump her leg?”

“He said, 'Yeah, but will I get chicks? In truckloads?”

“Screwy," I said. "Is that a medical term?" "Of course.”

“The monster licked his lips, long lines of whiskers twitching, and spoke in a deep growl. "Pretty, aren't I?" Curran. In midform. I broke from his gaze. "Adorable.”

“Oh, it's you," Curran's voice said quietly. "I thought it was an elephant.”

“What happened to the alpha-wolf?" "LEGOs." "Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasn't it an island? "He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle.”

“The knocking persisted. It wasn't Derek. His knock would be careful, almost apologetic. This bastard knocked like he was doing me a favor.”

“Eleven out of twelve work fine. I'd say that's better chances than getting an orgasm with a blind date and women still try." He blinked and laughed softly. "I never know what you'll say next." "I don't either.”

“You've been here before?" Derek asked, his gaze firmly fixed on Rowena's ass shifting under the shimmering green silk a few steps above us. "Wiggles," I told him. He blinked, then realized I wasn't referring to Rowena's backside.”

“As one, the shapechangers turned and looked at me. I wondered what they'd do if I asked to borrow a cup of sugar.”

“Ve haf vays of making you gif us your DNA sample.”

“There was something very comforting about him, and I was not sure if it was his easy manner or his complete immunity to my scowling.”

“You're working for the Order now." "Yes." "How does it feel?" "Well, Doctor, it feels rather sore and tingly.”

“I'm counting to ten in my head.""Is it helping?""No.""It doesn't help me with you either. I used to life weights to alleviate frustration, but someone blowtorched my weight bench. How did you do it, by the way?""I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.”

“No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense."Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?""Sure.""It's not the bathtub, baby."Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it."What are you looking for?""A pea Your Majesty.""What?""You heard me."I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch."Getting slow in your old age.""I thought you liked it slow."A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop.He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?""Hush. I'm trying to think of one.”

“Tiny gold sparks flared in his irises. "You're in my rooms in my bathtub naked and you're still mouthing off."Did he expect anything different? "Hey, I didn't kick or punch you in the throat. I consider this progress. And you haven't choked me again, which is some sort of record for you...”

“Kate Daniels, deadly swordmaster. Fear my twitching pinkie.”

“Torch strode over and stared at the fiver"What's this?""Some change for you. Buy your flunkies some decent clothes." I dipped my fingers into the jar and smeared think fragrant paste on my face. Torch frowned, mirroring the expression on my aunt's face."Change?"Oh, for crying out loud. "It's money. We don't use coins as currency now, we use paper money." He stared at me. "I'm insulting you! I'm saying your poor, like a beggar, because your undead are in rags. I'm offering to clothe your servants for you, because you can't provide for them. Come on, how thick do you have to be?"He jerked his hand up. A jet of flame erupted from his fingers, sliding against the ward. I jerked back from the windows on instinct. The fire died. I leaned forward. "Do you understand now?" More fire. "What's the matter? Was that not enough money?”

“ Hi, Your Majesty, we drugged your love muffin and then let her walk out into the dark, in the snow. Her apartment is destroyed and we're not sure where she is...”

“I know it may come as a shock, but it's sort of considered polite to wait for the consent of the woman. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you don't wait, you may have to deal with pesky criminal charges like kidnapping and rape.”

“You'll lose.""What makes you so sure?""You have no discipline. All you do is tear down shit down. My father is a bastard, but at least he builds things. You turn cities into smoking ruins and blunder about like some hyper child, smashing anything you see. And then you sit here and wonder, 'Why did all of my children turn out to be violet idiots? It's a mystery of nature,'.”

“When you want to take over a city, you have to destroy the illusion of safety it provides. You have to hit the large well-protected establishments, find the powerful people who run them and are viewed as invincible, and kill them. You want to destroy the morale first. Once the people's resolve is gone and everyone is scared for their own skin, the city is yours.”

“Getting a lecture on restraint from the woman who threw a hissy fit and blew up Babylon.”

“Im's offspring stare at stars and make clocks that calculate useless happenings like the angle of a hawk's claws as it strikes its prey. They demonstrate their contraptions and everyone marvels. My children get drunk, confuse a herd of cows with an enemy regiment, and slaughter the lot, screaming like lunatics until the entire army panics.”

“...they tended towards the simple pleasures in life: drinking, whoring and fighting, preferably all three at once.”

“Hold your horses. I'm coming."..."From where I'm standing you're just breathing laboriously."The snow swam out of focus. "Breathing hard. Are you coming or just breathing hard. You've got to get your one-liners straight.”

“ Dear rabbis, I'm so sorry, I nuked your circle dude. Here is his head as a souvenir. Yeah, that would fly.”

“And you expect me to commute two hours each way from the Keep to the Order." I kept my voice mild. "I suppose I won't be needing my job, my house, or my clothes anymore.""I didn't say that. Although let me get back to you on the clothes. It's still under consideration.”

“Next to me, Saiman smiled. "We all want what we can't have, Kate. I want you, you want love, and he wants to break my neck.”

“It's a party house.""I hope for your sake it's a very tame party." If he brought me to some sort of sex orgy, he would fly right through one of those pretty windows, headfirst.”

“I've read your summary.""And?""It's not incompetent."Be still, my heart, so I don't faint from such faint phrase. "Did you expect it to be written in crayon?”

“He glued the chair to my ass."Silence."Is it still...attached?""I can't get it off.”

“Well, check this out. Mine is bigger.”

“Some people got vicious Dobermans. I got a shaved attack poodle in a black sweater. His tough, spawn-of-hell image had taken a fatal blow, but at least he would be warm.”

“I also stole a small yellow doughnut from the box of Duncan's doughnuts in the rec room and fed it to the attack poodle in my office. He made a great production of it. First, he growled at the doughnut, just to show it who was boss. Then he nudged it with his nose. Then he licked it, until finally he snagged it into his mouth and chomped it with great pleasure, dropping crumbs all over the carpet.”

“I know you'll tell me to fuck off, but I think Curran loves you. Truly loves you. And I think you love him, Kate. That's rare. Think about it--if he really stood you up, why would he be so pissed off about the whole thing? You both can be assholes of the first order, so don't let the two of you throw it away. If you're going to walk away from it, at least walk away knowing the whole picture.""You're right. Fuck off. I don't need him," I told her.”

“When I'm with him, I can feel myself getting better. It's like he's picking up broken pieces of me and putting me back together, and I don't even know he's doing it. We never talk about it. We don't go to therapy. He just loves me and that's enough.”

“I'll call you," he repeated."If you call me, I won't pick up the phone.""You will wait by the phone for my call, and when it rings, you will pick it up and you will speak to me in a civil manner. If you don't know how, ask someone.”

“Juke glanced into her cup before tipping it down to her mouth. "Screw you!""Now come on, sugar, you know I don't swing that way.""Whatever!”

“I paused with the pen in my hand. "He burst into flames?""He became engulfed in fire.""Was his buddy made out of orange rocks and at any point yell, 'It's clobbering time'?”

“The vampire leaned forward, tapping a scimitar claw. "Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork?""Yep.""Is he carrying a moon on his pitchfork?""No, it's a pie.”

“Any messages for me?" Usually I got one or two, but mostly people who wanted my help preferred to talk in person."Yes. Hold on." She pulled out a handful of pink tickets and recited from memory, without checking the paper. "Seven forty-two a.m., Mr. Gasparian: I curse you. I curse your arms so they wither and die and fall off your body. I curse your eyeballs to explode. I curse your feet to swell until blue. I curse your spine to crack. I curse you. I curse you. I curse you.”

“He'd laugh in my face, then I'd slice him to ribbons and then he'd break my neck”

“Finally, thank you very much to Jeaniene Frost and Jill Myles. This book does have sex in it. Please don't hit me anymore."~Ilona Andrews in the Acknowledgements section of Magic Bleeds”

“Rene looked at Grendel. “What in the world is that?”“That’s our mutant attack poodle,” I told her.“Is he chewing on a gun?”