Ilona Andrews

“You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.”

“Ask a man how much a dollar is worth, and he'll tell you, 'Almost nothing.' Try to take a dollar away from him, and you'll get yourself a fight.”

“That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.”

“The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs.""You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?""Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.”

“At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!”

“Oh, I don't know. I might grow on you."She furrowed her pretty eyebrows. "Like a cancer?""Like a favorite vice.”

“Kaldar smiled at her. Now there was a work of art. If she were just a girl and he were just a man, and they met at a party, that smile would've guaranteed him a date. The man was hot. There was no doubt. But right now, all it would get him was a solid punch in those even teeth. Audrey laughed. "Aren't you sweet? Tell me, do girls usually throw their panties at you when you do that?"He grinned wider, and she glimpsed the funny evil spark in his eyes. "Do men throw money when you do your little Southern belle?”

“Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.”

“An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers.”

“This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.”

“Kaldar picked up a rock and tossed it into the clearing. It landed between two wards. A green stem shot out of the ground, and a hail of needle-thin thorns peppered the soil, striking sparks off the rock. "You got any money on you?""No."Kaldar grimaced. "What do you have?"William made a mental inventory of some twenty-odd items he'd pulled out of the Mirror's bag of tricks and hid in his clothes this morning. Not much he could part with. "A knife," he said. "Fine. I'll bet my knife against your knife that I can walk through there unharmed.”

“It could be worse," he said finally. "Efrenia married an arsonist. Jake's wife is a kleptomaniac. I suppose, a psychopathic spree killer isn't that odd of a choice, considering.”

“Oh, Gods."His eyes shone with want and predatory satisfaction. "The name's William. It's a common mistake.”

“How is it different?"He rolled his head back, sable hair falling down on his shoulders. "With Rose I knew what to say. I could take a step back and talk to her. I remembered all the crap from the magaznies. It was easy.""And with me, it's hard?" Why? Because she was a swamp girl? And how did the magazines fit into it?William looked away from her. "I don't like it when you're away. If I don't see you, I can't settle down. If I see you talking with another man, I want to claw his throat out. And none of the things you're supposed to say fit."Oh, this had to be good. "What sort of things?"He sighed. "The lines. Like, 'You're my everything,' or 'Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

“It depends. If I don't let you in, will you huff and puff and blow my house down?" She had no idea. "I'm more of a kick the door open and cut everyone inside to ribbons kind of wolf.”

“You said he was a soldier. You don't suppose...?""Oh, Gods." Ignata blinked. "You think something could be wrong down there?"All of them looked at William, who chose this precise moment to slide the wet shirt back on his back, which required him to flex, raising his arms. "That would be a shame," Cerise murmured.”

“Behind him Kaldar nudged Urow's youngest son. "Bet you he lasts at least thirty seconds.""Um..." Gaston looked at him. "No he won't.""Bet me something.""I don't have anything."Kaldar grimaced. "Pick up that rock."Gaston swiped the rock off the ground. "Now you have a rock. I bet this five bucks against your rock."Gaston grinned. "Deal.”

“Slowly the reality of the situation sank in. He got his ass kicked, learned nothing, and got saved by a dumb dog and an old lady. If he lived long enough to report to Nancy back in Adrianglia, he would have to gloss over this part.”

“Life was too short and ended too suddenly. If you didn't take advantage of what you had today, tomorrow it might be ripped from you.”

“I realized that I'm a child."William looked point-blank at her chest. "No.”

“Some women waited for a night in shining armor. She, apparently, had ended up with a knight in black jeans and leather, who wanted to chase her down and have his evil way with her.”

“She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?""To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool."Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.”

“William's eyes glowed like two amber coals. She met his gaze and flinched. No emotion reflected in the amber, only intelligence, cruel in a way the eyes of a hunting Mire cat were cruel. She saw no worry, no softness, no thoughts at all, only waiting. He seemed barely human now, not a man but some feral thing, knitted of darkness and biding his time for an opportunity to pounce.”

“You call that evening the odds? You demolished them."Demolished. He liked that. "I left you one.""I noticed.""I promised to share," he told her. "Manners are very important in the Weird. Lying would be quite impolite.”

“She surveyed the carnage behind him. "Did you have fun?"He showed her his teeth. "Yes.”

“Failure happened. The trick was to accept the risk and try anyway.”

“You say the sweetest things. And that spaghetti perfume you're wearing is to die for. No hobo could resist."She snarled. Heh.”

“A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.""Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?""No.""She doesn't like poetry?""Leave it."Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--”

“He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.”

“I never wanted to marry anyone before,” he said. “When two people marry, they surrender a small part of themselves. They become more like each other. I never met a woman who was better than me at things I take pride in, and I never wanted to be like them. I always knew that whoever I was with was temporary. There was always a new woman around the corner. I’ve seen marriages shatter. Twice. My mother left, then Richard’s wife. It almost broke my brother.”“So how do I know that you won’t move on and leave me broken?”“Because you are the one. You are better than me in some things, and I am better than you in others.” He drew her into his arms. “I don’t mind being a bit like you. I hope you don’t mind being a bit like me.”

“Outside I hopped into our vehicle, the taint of vampiric magic clinging to me like greasy smoke. “I feel soiled.” “Like walking into a room after a day of work, falling into bed, and realizing the sheets are covered in cold K-Y jelly,” Raphael said. I just stared at him. “With a funky smell,” he added. My Order conditioning failed me. “Ew.” Raphael grinned. “I‟m not even going to ask if that‟s happened to you.” I started the vehicle. “Has that happened to you?” “Yes.” Ew. “Where?” “In the bouda house. I was really tired and you‟ve seen that place: everything smells like sex . . .” “I don‟t want to know.” I peeled out of the parking lot."So where are we going?” “To Spider Lynn‟s house. We‟re going to dig through her trash, and if that doesn‟t work, we‟ll do some breaking and entering.” Raphael frowned. “Do you know where she lives?” “Yes. I memorized the addresses of all the Masters of the Dead in the city. I have a lot of time on my hands.” He squinted at me, looking remarkably like a gentleman pirate from my favorite romance novels. “What else do you store in your head?” “This and that. I remember the first thing you ever said to me. You know, when you carried me from the cart into the tub so your mother could fix me.” “I imagine it was something very romantic,” he said. “Something along the lines of „I‟ve got you‟ or „I won‟t let you die.‟ “I was bleeding in the bathtub, trying to realign my bones, and my hyena glands voided from the pain. You said, „Don‟t worry, we have an excellent filtration system.‟” The look on his face was priceless. “That can‟t be the first thing.” “It was.” We drove in silence. “About the K-Y,” Raphael said. “I don‟t want to know!‟ “Once I washed it out of my hair—” “Raphael, why are you doing this?” “I want to make you go "Ew‟ again.” “Why in the world would you want to do that?” “It‟s an irrepressible male impulse. It just has to be done. As I was saying, once I washed it out—” “Raphael!” “No, wait, you‟ll like the next part.”

“Look under the passenger seat in a black plastic bin. There should be a book.” Raphael hopped out, dug under the seat, and pulled out a dog-eared copy of The Almanac of Mystical Creatures. “Got it,” I said into the phone. “Page seventy-six.” Raphael flipped the book open and held it up. On the left page a lithograph showed a three-headed dog with a serpent for a tail. The caption under the picture said CERBERUS. “Is that your dog?” Kate asked. “Could be. How the heck did you know the exact page?” “I have perfect memory!” I snorted. She sighed into the phone.“I spilled coffee on that page and had to leave the book open to dry it out. It always opens to that entry now.”

“The stallion stared in my direction and bared his teeth. Now horses were giving me crap.”

“A girl half my age swept by and slammed two giant tankard filled with beer on the table. Ragnvald held his up. I smashed my tankard against his. Beer splashed. We raised the tankard and pretended to take much bigger gulps than we did.”

“Where is the bane of my existence?""In the shower, freshening up."Damn it all to hell. "Oh God, who did Ascanio screw now?""No, no, he's covered in blood.""Oh good." Wait a minute. "The kid is covered in blood and we're relieved. There is something wrong with us.”

“I have a vamp body for you," Andrea said. "It's in the freezer."I gave her a nice smile. "You shouldn't have.”

“I can make some calls. There is a guy. Dagfinn Heyerdahl. He used to be with Norse Heritage Foundation."Norse Heritage Foundation wasn't so much about heritage as it was about viking, in the most cliché sense of the world. They drank huge quantities of beer, they brawled, and they wore horned helmets despite all historical evidence to the contrary."Used to be?" Curran asked."They kicked him out for being drunk and violent."Curran blinked. "The Norse Heritage?""Mhm.""Don't you have to be drunk and violent just to get in?" he asked. "Just how disorderly did he get?”

“I'm sorry about the dinner.""Best date ever. Well, until people died and vampires showed up. But before that it was awesome.”

“I split the omelet between the plates and stopped when Curran's arms closed about me. He pulled me against him, pressing my back against his chest. I heard him inhale my scent. His lips grazed my temple. Here we were, alone, in my kitchen, holding each other while breakfast cooled on the table. This was some sort of alternate universe, with a different Kate, who wasn't hunted like a wild animal and who could have these sorts of things."What's up?" I asked softly."Just making sure you know you're caught.”

“I hit him on the back of the neck. He submerged. Help. I've drowned the Beast Lord.”

“What's your problem with the Guild?""The only way to resolve it involves me being entangled in running it and I don't want to do it." I waved my arms. "I have the Consort crap and I have the Cutting Edge crap and whatever other bullshit the two of you throw my way. I don't want to go to the Guild every month and deal with their crap on top of everything else."Curran leaned toward me. "I have to dress up and meet with those corpsefuckers once every three months and be civil while we're eating at the same table. You can deal with the Guild.""You dress up? Wow, I had no idea that putting on your formal sweatpants was such a huge burden.""Kate," Curran snarled. "They're not sweatpants, they are slacks and they have a belt. I have to wear shoes with fucking laces in them.”

“Tall, with skin the color of rich coffee, and dressed all in black, Jim looked like he was carved from a block of solid muscle. Logic said that at some point he must've been a baby and then a child, but looking at him one was almost convinced that some deity touched the ground with its scepter and proclaimed, "There shall be a badass," and Jim sprung into existence, fully formed, complete with clothes, and ready for action.”

“And how did your day go?" I asked Ascanio. He turned to me, a dreamy look on his pretty face. "We killed things. There was blood. Fountains of blood. And then we had barbecue.”

“Some men got excited by white lace and a translucent negligee. My love muffin got excited by a woman dressed to murder. There was probably something deeply twisted about that. Lucky for me, negligees were never my thing.”

“Curran gave me a flat look. "I can always drive to a burger joint instead." "Oh, so you'd throw a burger down my throat and expect making out in the back seat?"He grinned. "We can do it in the front seat instead, if you prefer. Or on the hood of the car.""I'm not doing it on the hood of the car." "Is that a dare?" Why me?”

“He grinned. "You're jealous."I considered it. "No. But when you stared at that woman like she was made of diamonds, it didn't feel very good.""I stared at her because she smelled strange.""Strange how?""She smelled like rock dust. Very strong dry smell." Curran put his arms around me. "I love it when you get all fussy and possessive.""I never get fussy and possessive."He grinned, showing his teeth. His face was practically glowing. "So you're cool if I go over and chat her up?""Sure. Are you cool if I go and chat up that sexy werewolf on the third floor?"He went from casual and funny to deadly serious in half a blink. "What sexy werewolf?"I laughed.Curran's eyes focused. He was concentrating on something."You're taking a mental inventory of all people working on the third floor, aren't you?"His expression went blank. I'd hit the nail on the head.I slid off him and put my head on his biceps. The shaggy carpet was nice and comfortable under my back."Is it Jordan?""I just picked a random floor," I told him. "You're nuts, you know that?"He put his arm around me. "Look who is talking.”

“This is payback, isn't it?" Jim glared at me. "Don't be ridiculous," I told him. "As the Consort of the Pack, I'm far above petty revenge.”

“Enough," Curran said. An unmistakable command saturated his voice. Jim clicked his mouth shut. I crossed my arms. "I'm sorry, is this the part where I fall to my knees and shiver in fear, Your Furriness? Silly me, I didn't get the memo.”

“Kate, perhaps you need to explain to your significant other that he is in no position to give me orders. Last time I checked, his title was Beast Lord, which is a gentle euphemism for a man who strips nude at night and runs around through the woods hunting small woodland creatures. I'm a premier Master of the Dead. I will go where I please.”

“I’m going to find Julie and I’ll ground her ass until she forgets what the sun looks like, and then I’ll go over to that school and pull their legs out.”