Janet Evanovich

“At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera.”

“She doesn’t know,” Cate said. “Kellen is a secret. I didn’t think my mother would approve.” “Why wouldn’t your mother approve?” Pugg asked. “It’s my job,” Kellen said. “I kill people. It pays well, but it’s not universally socially acceptable.”

“anyone else would have just killed the alligator”

“Why do you give me cars?""It's fun," Ranger said."And it keeps you safe. Do you want to know why keeping you safe is important to me?""You love me?""Yes."A sigh inadvertently escaped. "We're really screwed up, aren't we?""In a very large way," Ranger said.”

“That's one of the things I like about Mary Lou. She's willing to believe the worst about anyone.”

“I stuck my tongue out at him because I was feeling exceptionally mature.”

“The note wasn't signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard.”

“Be still my heart.”

“Yeah, I like that idea. Maybe he'll shoot at us again. I was hoping someone would shoot at me today. That was the first thing I said when I got up: Boy, I hope I get shot at today.”

“Calories don't count if they're connected to a celbration. Everyone knows this.”

“Ranger Smiled. 'You want me to be Superman? Spend the night with me.”

“Amen" Lula said and she made the sign of the cross. "I thought you were Baptist.""Yeah, but we don't got any hand signals for an occasion like this.”

“they have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August”

“You gonna take the case?"It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of."You're gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens," Grandma said.”

“I got a free beer for a $5 tip”

“[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.'[Morelli] 'Have you been drinking?”

“I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what?”

“How was your day?" Morelli asked me. "Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me.”

“My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think”

“Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.”

“Stephanie Plum: Do you have your stun gun and pepper sray?Lula: Does a chicken have a pecker? I could invade Bulgaria with the shit i've got in my handbag.”

“Howie's doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie's been on a diet he's gained three.”

“Ranger was grinning. "Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot." "That would be me."I said."Babe,"Ranger said, the grin widening.”

“You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said."I just enter. I don't usually break.""You broke down Pitch's door.""Lost my temper."-Ranger and Stephanie”

“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.""She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."-Ranger and Stephanie”

“Fuck," Ranger said.Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..”

“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner.""He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?""Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly."Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?""I don't know what you're talking about.""Watch your back babe. I will get even."-Ranger and Stephanie”

“Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie”

“Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."-Morelli And Stephanie”

“Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?”

“I can't squeeze to keep the breezers in.”

“You need teeth like mine!" Grandma said. "You can just mail 'em to the dentist!”

“-You're gloating, Max. It's not flattering. Somebody needs to teach you a little humility.--A good woman could do that.--She'd have to be armed and dangerous.-”

“On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time.”

“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both."-”

“You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious."-”

“The way I see it, life is a jelly doughnut. You don't really know what it's about until you bite into it. And then, just when you decided it's good, you drop a big glob of jelly on your best T-shirt.”

“I wasn't sure exactly how prostitutes determined price, but if men bought hookers by the pound, these two would be doing okay.”

“I want to see your tailpipe fading off into the sunset."Good luck, I thought. My tailpipe was somewhere on Route 1, along with my muffler.”

“Do you have someone watching her house?” (Stephanie)“That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We’re so underbudgeted we’re one step away fromholding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli)”

“I took the stool next to him, raising an eyebrow at the coffee and cruller on the counter. "Thought you weren't into internal pollution," I said. Lately Ranger'd been on a health food thing. "Props," Ranger told me. "Didn't want to look out of place."I didn't want to burst his fantasy bubble, but the only time Ranger wouldn't look out of place would be standing in a lineup between Rambo and Batman.”

“Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.”

“Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rapcheat sheet.”

“I got out of the tub and had to squelch a scream when I saw my reflection in the vanity mirror. My hair looked like it had taken 2000 volts and been spray starched”

“Ranger appeared in the bathroom doorway and I was too relieved to be embarrassed. "I appreciate you coming out in the middle of the night," I said.Ranger smiled. "I didn't want to miss seeing you chained up naked.”

“I hate mornings. They start so early.”

“Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don't count.”

“He rooted for the Mets, he wore Foot of the Loom underwear, and he drove a Buick. His loyalties were carved in stone and he wasn't about to be impressed with some upstart of a toaster salesman who drove a Bonneville.”

“I plunked down on the couch beside him. "I don't have any accomplishments of any kind. I'm stupid and boring. I don't have any hobbies. I don't play sports. I don't write poetry. I don't travel to interesting places. I don't even have a good job." "That doesn't make you stupid and boring," Morelli said. "Well, I feel stupid and boring. And I wanted to feel interesting. And somehow, someone told my mother and grandmother that I played the cello. I guess it was me...only it was like some foreign entity took possession of my body. I heard the words coming out of my mouth, but I'm sure they originated in some other brain. And it was so simple at first. One small mention. And then it took on a life of it's own. And next thing, everyone knew.""And you can't play the cello." "I'm not even sure this is a cello."Morelli went back to smiling. "And you think you're boring? No way, Cupcake.""What about the stupid part?"Morelli threw his arm around me. "Sometimes that's a tough call.”

“Did you take Joyce's engine?''My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”