Janet Evanovich

“I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter.”

“There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.”

“Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything.-Lula”

“Are you afraid of me?Uh... yes.'The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it.”

“Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there's a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin' Fifteen”

“I pulled into the Grand Union parking lot and drove to the end of the mall where the bank was located. I parked at a safe distance from other cars, exited the BMW, and set the alarm.You want me to stay with the car in case someone's riding around with a bomb in his backseat looking for a place to put it?" Lula asked.Not necessary. Ranger says the car has sensors."Ranger give you a car with bomb sensors? The head of the CIA don't even have a car with bomb sensors. I hear they give him a stick with a mirror on the end of it.”

“Suppose I lay down on the pavement and you run over me a few times with my own car...just for old times.”

“I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window. "Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead. (Three to get Deadly)”

“[Stephanie] "This won't be so bad," I said to her, making an effort at convincing myself. "How about your blanket? We could wrap him up in the blanket. Then we could pick him up without actually touching him." "I suppose that'd be all right," Lula said. "We could give it a try" I spread the blanket on the ground beside Elliot Harp, took a deep breath, hooked my fingers around his belt and rolled him onto the blanket. I jumped back, squeezed my eyes closed tight and exhaled. No matter how much violent death I saw, I would never get used to it. "I'm gonna definitely have the runs," Lula said. "I can feel it coming on." "Forget about the runs and help me with this body!" Lula grabbed hold of the head end of the blanket, and I grabbed hold of the foot end. Harp had full rigor and wouldn't bend, so we put him in the trunk headfirst with his legs sticking out. We carefully closed the lid on Harp's knees and secured the lid with a piece of rope Lula had in her trunk. "Hold on," Lula said, pulling a red flowered scarf from her coat pocket, tying the scarf on Harp's foot like a flag. "Don't want to get a ticket. I hear the police are real picky about having things sticking out of your trunk." Especially dead guys.”

“THE NOTE said the first clue was "in the big one." I looked at the jumble of letters that followed, and I saw no pattern. Not such a surprise, since I was missing the puzzle chromosome and couldn't do puzzles designed for nine-year-olds.”

“Ranger cradled my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes. "The ceremony is over. Can you make it back to the car?"I nodded. "I'm okay now. Am I red and blotchy from crying?""Yes," Ranger said, brushing a kiss across my forehead. "I love you anyway.""There's all kinds of love," I said.Ranger took me by the hand and led me back to the SUV. "This is the kind that doesn't call for a ring. But a condom might come in handy.""That's not love," I told him. "That's lust.”

“Men!""At least we don't fake it.""Listen, it was your uncle. And we were late, remember? So I made the sacrifice and got us there in time for dessert. You should be thanking me."Morelli's mouth was open slightly and his face was registering a mixture of astonished disbelief and wounded, pissed-off male pride.Okay, it wasn't that much of a sacrifice at the time, and I knew he shouldn't be thanking me, but give me a break here... this wasn't famine in Ethiopia”

“That might work," I said. "I'm good at faking it."This led to a couple moments of uncomfortable silence from both of us."You didn't mean... ?" Morelli asked."No. Of course not.""Never?""Maybe once."His eyes narrowed. "Once?""It's all that comes to mind. It was the time we were late for your Uncle Spud's birthday party.""I remember that. That was great. You're telling me you faked it?""We were late! I couldn't concentrate. It seemed like the best way to go.”

“For the most part, Ranger had a consistent personality.He wasn't a guy who wasted a lot of unnecessary energy and effort. He moved and he spoke with an efficient ease that was more animal than human. And he didn't telegraph his emotions. Unless Ranger had his tongue in my mouth it was usually impossible to tell what he was thinking. But every now and then, Ranger would step out of the box, and like a little treat that was doled out on special occasions, Ranger would make an entirely outrageous sexual statement.At least it would be outrageous coming from an ordinary guy... from Ranger it seemed on the mark.”

“You deserved to get run over. And besides, I barely tapped you. The only reason you broke your leg was because you panicked and tripped over your own feet.”

“Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped.""That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk.”

“From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli”

“Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.”

“In my opinion, the only good spider is a dead spider, and women's rights aren't worth dick if they mean I can't ask a man to do my bug squashing.”

“I can't help it. I'm just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas." She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. "Excuse me," she said.”

“When I was a little girl I wanted to be a reindeer-the flying kind. I spent a couple years galloping around looking for lichen and fantasizing about boy reindeer. Then one day I saw Peter Pan and my reindeer phase was over. I didn't understand the allure of not growing up, because every little girl got boobs and go steady. I did understand that a flying Peter Pan was better than a flying reindeer. Mary Lou had seen Peter Pan too, but Mary Lou's ambition was to be Wendy, so Mary Lou and I made a good pair. On most any day we could be seen holding hands, running through the neighborhood singing, "I can fly! I can fly!" If we'd been older this probably would have started rumors. The Peter Pan stage was actually pretty short-lived because a few months into Peter Pan I discovered Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman couldn't fly, but she had big, fat bulging boobs crammed into a sexy Wondersuit. Barbie was firmly entrenched as role model in the burg, but Wonder Woman gave her a good run for her money. Not only did Wonder Woman spill over her Wondercups but she also kicked serious ass. If I had to name the single most influential person in my life it would have to be Wonder Woman. All during my teens and early twenties I wanted to be a rock star. The fact that I can't play a musical instrument or carry a tune did nothing to diminish the fantasy. During my more realistic moments I wanted to be a rock star's girlfriend.”

“You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula)”

“Ranger sent us to check on you," Hal said. "We just got here, and we heard shots." "Some moron ate my jelly doughnut," Lula said. "So I shot him.”

“Lula's borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn't exactly that Lula is fat; it's more that she's too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries.”

“One Ranger is all you'll ever need. - Ranger”

“And the closest I've come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case. ”

“I almost never shoot people.”

“Nice dress you're almost wearing. You ever think about changing professions?" -Ranger”

“Are you telling me you think Ranger's a superhero?'Think about it. We don't know where he lives. We don't know anything about him.'Superheroes are make-believe.'Oh yeah?' Lula said. 'What about God?”

“I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.”

“This is war,' I yelled through the door.Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war.”

“My father would eat cat shit if it was salted, fried, or frosted, but it took an act of Congress to get him to eat a vegetable.”

“With the exception of dessert, food is food.”

“It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.”

“My father was in the kitchen putting a new washer in the kitchen faucet. He looked relieved to see Morelli standing in the hallway. He'd probably prefer I bring home someone useful, like a butcher or a car mechanic, but I guess cops are a step up from undertakers.”

“Well, sure, but I don't bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.”

“We were discussing a grisly double murder and Rodriguez was telling us all this in the same sort of conversational tone a person might use to pass on a favorite lasagna recipe. And I was responding with the same enthusiasm a new cook might show. I was simultaneously horrified and impressed with myself.”

“And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. And Ozzy Osbourne.”

“Happens to me all the time...People are always underestimating my dumbness.”

“God's a busy guy. He don't have time to micromanage. What are the chances he heard that? It's early in the morning. He's probably having breakfast with Mrs. God.”

“You owe me!" -Stephanie"Why do I owe you?" -Joe"I caught your no good cousin." -Stephanie"Yeah and in the process you burned down a funeral home, and damaged thousands of dollars of government property." -Joe"Well if you are going to be picky about it...." -Stephanie”

“This is a little awkward," I said, "but my mother just ran over the rabbit.""Ran over?""As in roadkill. We're not sure what to do about it.""Where are you?""Giovichinni's, buying lunch meat.""And the rabbit?""Gone. He was with two other guys. They scooped him up off the road and drove away with him."There was a long silence on the phone. "I'm fucking speechless," Morelli finally said.”

“He reached out, opened the glove compartment, and took out a gun. It was a Smith & Wesson .38 five-shot special. It looked a lot like my gun."I stopped by your apartment this morning and picked this up for you," Ranger said. "I found it in the cookie jar.""Tough guys always keep their gun in the cookie jar.""Name one.""Rockford."Ranger grinned. "I stand corrected.”

“He's a good man," Ranger said."And you?" "I'm better.”

“Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.”

“Turns out, that's how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up.”

“If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.”

“Sorry about Bender," Lula said, letting the Trans Am idle at the curb. "Maybe we could tell Vinnie he died. We could say we were all set to bring Bender in, and he died. Bang. Dead as a doorknob.""Better yet, why don't we just go back and kill him," I said. I opened the door to leave, caught my toe in the floor mat, and fell out of the car, face first. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stars. "I'm fine," I said to Lula. "Maybe I'll sleep here tonight.”

“You'd tell me if we were getting married, wouldn't you? I mean, you wouldn't just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour.”

“Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it.”