Janet Evanovich

“I’m going back to bed,” Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. “This doesn’t look too interesting. I liked it better the other night when you were on the floor with the bounty hunter.”Morelli gave me the same kind of look Desi always gave Lucy when she’d just done something incredibly stupid.“It’s a long story,” I said.“I bet.”

“To celebrate our partnership I dressed up like Ranger. Black boots, black jeans, black turtleneck, small silver hoop earrings.He gave me the once-over when I opened the door to him.‘Smart ass,’ he said.”

“Ranger declined the butterscotch pudding, not wanting to disrupt the consistency of his blood sugar level. I had two puddings and coffee, choosing to keep my pancreas at peak performance. Use it or lose it is my philosophy.”

“I finished my soup and bread and helped myself to a handful of cookies from the cookie jar, glancing at Morelli, wondering at his lean body. He’d eaten two bowls of soup, half a loaf of bread slathered in butter, and seven cookies. I’d counted. He saw me staring and raised his eyebrows in silent question. “I suppose you work out,” I said, mores statement than question. “I run when I can. Do some weights.” He grinned. “Morelli men have good metabolisms.” Life was a bitch.”

“Joe" I said. "It's Stephanie.""Does this involve death?""Not yet.""Does this involve sex?""Not yet.""I can't imagine why else you'd be calling me.”

“I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.”

“You're not looking for a partner," Ranger said. "You're looking for an enforcer. You hate to run. You must be worried about getting into that black dress. What did you eat just now? Piece of cake? Candy bar?" "Everything," I said. "I just ate everything.”

“Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot." To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock.”

“There’s always tomorrow.” “Exactly,” she said, finishing off her first doughnut, selecting a second. Maybe she wouldn’t starve to death, she decided. Maybe she’d eat herself into obesity and explode. Death by doughnut.”

“Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. “I’m going to marry my snuggy wuggums,” she said. Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. “If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I’ll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.”

“Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified.”

“One of the men gave Butch a bunch of volts with a stun gun. The Rangeman didn’t move fast enough, and Butch grabbed the gun and threw it across the room. “Hunh,” Rangeman guy said. “Yeah,” I said. “Been there, done that.” “Are you sure he’s human?” “Maybe you could hook a chain to the FlexiCuffs on his ankles and drag him behind your car,” I said. “We tried that once, and Ranger didn’t like it,” the guy said. “You do something twice that Ranger doesn’t like, and you’re out of a job and damaged.”

“I'd bitch slap the devil for you.”

“I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies.”

“Omigod,' I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. 'You're the big bad wolf.'There are some similarities.”

“Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don't get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.”

“I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”

“You always did have a problem with undies. Remember when you wet your pants in the second grade?"- Joyce Barnhardt”

“The golden years are for pussies. We went straight to brass.”

“Babe,' Ranger said. 'Do something with her.'And he disconnected.I called Ranger back. 'No,' I said. 'And I need information on Jelly Kantner. His apartment got blown up, and I need to find him.'And I should do this why?'Because you like me.'There was a full beat of silence. 'I do,' Ranger said. 'I like you a lot. Sometimes I'm not sure why. Give me a couple minutes.”

“I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?"There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out.""Let me know when you're sure.""Would you say yes?" Morelli asked."I'm not sure.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?'That's what the psychiatrist said, but I think he's wrong. There's an evil flying pizza out there, and it's got Brenda's name on it.”

“Is there anything else you need from me?" Ranger asked."Not right now.""There will come a time," Ranger said. "Let me know when." And he disconnected.I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead.”

“I went to the door, and Gary tried hard not to notice I was blue. He looked at his feet, and he looked above my head, and he cleared his throat.It's okay,' I said. 'I know I'm blue.'It caught me by surprise,' he said. 'I didn't want to seem rude.”

“I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.”

“You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire.Do you really think so?'Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.'I don't like the wood elves.'They're okay. They're misunderstood.”

“Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.”

“I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!”

“Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn't mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage.”

“Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”

“Who's the best person you know. Of all the people you know personally, is there anyone who has a sense of right and wrong and lives by it? This was a sticky question because it would have to be Ranger ...but I suspected he occasionally killed people. Only bad people, of course, but still...”

“I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy”

“My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”

“Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done.”

“Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.”

“I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum”

“Kiss those cuffs good-bye." Lula from "Hard Eight" By Janet Evonavich”

“I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?”

“Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn't fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me.”

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch”

“How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.”

“Babe!”

“Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while”

“Exercise improves your sex life.Ranger to Stephanie”

“Everyone knows you can't see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. – Lula ”

“What's this outfit? You can't afford clothes? Are you wearing other peoples?"Helen Plum”