Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”
“I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.”
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”
“I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.”
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same. ”
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”
“My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.”
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.”
“I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.”
“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.”
“Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves. ”
“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!”
“I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics. ”
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.”
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”
“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not a cop.”
“I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.”
“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.”
“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing.”
“Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.”
“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.”
“Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”
“Word of mouth—it's more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand. If you need me, I’ll be in the audience clapping.”
“A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.”
“When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22”
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home. ”
“I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?”
“She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.”
“There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.”
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.”
“I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.”
“I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.”
“A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.”
“A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift.”
“Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%! ”
“It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.”
“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.”
“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.”
“Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.”
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money. ”
“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.”
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.”
“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.”
“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming. ”
“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.”
“Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.”
“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.”
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe they were a couple of letters of the same sex engaging in a homosexual relationship. A “W” is two “V”s in a civil union, but the world is not ready to flip that on its head and let them go for the big “M.”