Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful.”
“Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the hotel.” “We have hundreds of rooms here, and all of them are the best.” “How can they all be number one? Only one can be number one.” “Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if that same room is number two to someone else.” ”
“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’” “Your grandpa never said that.” “No, but he should have. He was a damn fool not to have uttered those words.” “My grandpa was a janitor, in the Great Depression. The greatest thing he ever said was, ‘Greg, I just Gregged all over your floor. Do you have a mop I can use to clean it up?’” “Who’s Greg?” “I don’t know.” “What the shit kind of story is that? That story is bullshit. Greg doesn’t exist. Nobody knows nobody named Greg. It’s a unicorn name—it’s complete mythology.” “What about Lou Greg, the baseball player?” “Lou who? Lou Gehrig?” “Here’s a Lou for you. Greg Louganis.” “Bah, Greg Louganis doesn’t exist. He was a myth created by the Soviets to push their divers to perfection. The Russians realized they couldn’t be the best until they deceived their divers into believing there was someone who was always better.” “I’ve seen Greg Louganis, and he’s as real as you or me.” “You’ve seen what they wanted you to see. They gave you a blindfold to wear and convinced you it would improve your eyesight.” ”
“Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.”
“Ben had never seen another hotel quite like The Mandrake. The valets were all dressed like Roman Centurions, the Doorman was dressed like Caesar, and the bellmen all had dark blue business suits and Donald Trump wigs.”
“A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it was also designed to be avoided. So it also exists to not have balls land in it. This is the beauty of golf. The game of golf is a Zen koan in action.”
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber isn’t the name he was born with. No, the name on his birth certificate is Dark Jar Tin Zoo. He chose that penname because in German it means Red Pen—and a Red Pen is mightier than a Red Sword, which in turn is mightier than a Rothschild. Most of the time he goes by Rot, but occasionally he reverts back to Dark Jar Tin Zoo.”
“A brick could be used to represent my hero. My hero obviously doesn’t look like a brick, but since he is my hero I decided to represent him as more handsome and interesting than he really is. Who’s my hero? Any member of Congress.”
“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself. ”
“A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model of brick is exactly like the last brick! ”
“A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can. ”
“A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must! ”
“A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man. ”
“A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race. ”
“A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.”
“A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it. ”
“A brick could be used as a cock block. ”
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick. ”
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give it to someone who will. Every other Christmas I get the gift of fruitcake—and I think it’s the same loaf that I gave to that person the year before. ”
“A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside. ”
“A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You. ”
“A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire. ”
“A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next. ”
“Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are? ”
“A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. ”
“A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up. ”
“A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd. ”
“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell. ”
“A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War. ”
“A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north! ”
“A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate? ”
“Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need to get precise measurements, and move all my clothes, but I think it’d be a good idea to store the gold in my closet. ”
“A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke. ”
“A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit. ”
“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money. ”
“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined. ”
“A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you've got a friend for life. Say, do you want to brick swap? ”
“A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you understand? ”
“A brick could be used to enhance your social status. Just affix it to the hood of your car, like a Mercedes ornament. ”
“A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity. ”
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes. ”
“A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants ”
“A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn't spill out. ”
“If you bring the blanket, I’ll bring the warmth. ”
“A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend the one with the hooks. ”
“A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac. ”
“A brick could be dropped at the feet of your enemy, as a gift, as an insult, as a way of saying “I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich. ”
“A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma. ”
“Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity. ”
“A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you're like an ant. ”