Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.”
“We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.”
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!”
“Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I’m trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit.”
“If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.”
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you. Affection covers more area than a tissue.”
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.”
“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.”
“I hate when people say primitive people didn’t even have running water. What do they call rivers?”
“Aside from those few times I’ve killed a man, I’m not a violent person.”
“This is for the sneeze I lost. I won’t drink to your memory, but I will snort some pepper to see your ghost.”
“I was hoping you’d leave the back door open for me, I said as he turned around to bend over and pick up his key.”
“Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.”
“The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?”
“I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.”
“We made love for 8 seconds. She rode me like a bull.”
“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”
“2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.”
“I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.”
“I always thought I’d make a great backup singer. I don’t practice. It’s just pure talent.”
“The fish meowed at me. It must be a catfish.”
“I don’t have a motorcycle, but I do have a picture of a motorcycle helmet. And a photo of a half-eaten Big Mac from 2004. I know, I’m an adrenaline junky.”
“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.”
“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell in love, when I saw how serious it all was.”
“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”
“Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.”
“The car wash sign said, “Free Vacuums.” So I told them I wanted a high-powered Dyson. I figured it’d be a good gift for my girl, so she could stop sweeping the living room carpet.”
“I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.”
“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.”
“I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.”
“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.”
“If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t have done that.”
“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?”
“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.”
“I once had a professor who could condense an entire lecture into a can of frozen orange juice. Talk about hard to concentrate.”
“At my bachelor party I had Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” play on repeat, while I enjoyed the spectacle of a midget stripper dressed like jet fuel (Rocket Man).”
“I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.”
“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.”
“My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?”
“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.”
“Love is like a cloudless blue sky. That’s why I always carry an open umbrella.”
“I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.”
“Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.”
“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating lust make me a better lover?”
“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”
“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground on all fours in my chair pose so that then there were three chairs and three of us—with one extra seat to spare. I make love the same way—with more orgasms than people involved.”
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through our ears.”
“To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.”
“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.”
“Does my face not look hungry? My mouth is the path and mouthpiece to my stomach, so I’d believe what I’m telling you if I were inside your ears.”