Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.”
“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is now. ”
“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.”
“Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead. ”
“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”
“She had two blueberries for eyes, and hair the color of strawberries. Too bad our love never made it past the kitchen and into the bedroom (or garage).”
“A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?”
“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the spring, when all the lovers will flock to see me preform live for the chance to win their affection.”
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.”
“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.”
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”
“The abbreviation for Brazil, BRA, makes me think of breasts. I have no idea why.”
“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”
“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.”
“I’m more terrified of failure than rejection—so I’ll no my way to YES!”
“Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T. ”
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.”
“I have a little accent. I speak with a trace of midget.”
“If I had a half, I’d split it in half and share it with you. That’s love. Then I’d go find the other half and enjoy the whole thing by myself.”
“Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.”
“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that meow.”
“Much to my delight, I found her panties to be full of mashed potatoes—but I had to supply all the gravy.”
“At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.”
“When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s full of hope. Grab a spoon, there’s plenty for both of us.”
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.”
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much I love you!”
“Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.”
“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.”
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ”
“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s why I’m wearing a condom.) ”
“Giving up giving up—it’s good for your health. Make love like you just stole it. And remember, always wash your hands after you after.”
“I’ll beat you with a ladder, so in my defense I can say, “I didn’t hit him! Look at those bruises. They are consistent with those of someone who clearly fell down some steps.”
“Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My spirit just rose, and left me cold and alone in this terrestrial body.”
“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a high five, because I’m the only person in the world with a Hooray Factor of five. So until my clones get here, I’ll just have to continue to high five my reflection in the mirror.”
“My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!”
“Laws are chains to the many, and whips to the few.”
“I won’t allow anyone to buy you a clock. Not on my watch.”
“My blender has a more powerful engine than my car, but my car doesn’t make smoothies as well. I drive a Toyota Starbucks Limited Edition.”
“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)”
“I’m not Hispanic, I’m His panic. Who is He? He is the startled.”
“Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.”
“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.”
“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.”
“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.”
“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.”
“My favorite thing isn’t being the favorite to win—it’s being the underdog.”
“A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it's itchy and sweaty.”
“When you buy a gun, every problem starts to look like a nail.”
“Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?”