“It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.”

“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.
”

“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.”

“Bio I never got around to using: Jarod is a best-selling author reader. He has given speeches in over .5 countries, and addressed over 15,000 people, mannequins, and letters. He has been described as “Hard to hear, hard to understand, and hard to work with.”

“A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.
”

“This book has nothing to do with cats. Or mice. Or self-motivation. This book is 100% 50% finished. But don’t worry, I finished the good half. But don’t be mistaken—the good half isn’t good at all. In fact, it’s remarkably terrible. It’s only good in relation to the half I didn’t get around to writing. After all, the worst writing is the writing that couldn’t be bothered to be written down.”

“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.”