Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Read people by their surroundings, their personally designed environments. Like external body language, a room and how its arranged tells you things without speaking.”
“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.”
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit man is more honest, as he doesn’t claim to be helping humanity. Holistic medicine is the only way to go.”
“If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.”
“I can tell you what I wasn’t doing when I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to: I was doing what I was supposed to.”
“Surfers catch waves, and so do people being told goodbye.”
“If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark. ”
“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money I found, and obviously it would be, in which case I’d keep the money.”
“Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean President, may have to make.”
“I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up with an erection, and a decision.”
“I’ll piss in a cup for you. You can run a drug test on it, or you can drink it.”
“The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as if I pretend to struggle to help you out. ”
“I call masturbating “Gregging,” named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave.”
“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.”
“After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a few inches beyond my outstretched fingers.”
“I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.”
“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.”
“The Chinese used gunpowder to make fireworks for celebrations, and the white man came along and said, Holy shit, we can use this to kill people. What better way to celebrate than that? ”
“The sign said don’t do it, so naturally I did it. Signs are always saying stuff in a silent way. Writing is a way to say something in a silent way.”
“The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.”
“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.”
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”
“I love women’s breasts. I love how they don’t blink when I stare at them.”
“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”
“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”
“I’m sleepin’ in your pee pee, and I’m dreaming of what could be.” That’s just the chorus of a little love song I recently wrote.”
“I feel like having another thigh and calf would give me a leg up on my competition.”
“I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?”
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ”
“Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written and read, so you are not duplicating already existing writing.”
“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!”
“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song I’m writing called “Mannequin Love.”
“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.”
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.”
“A statue shaped like a mute. It will leave you speechless.”
“The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the hole, finish burying that dead guy before the cops arrive.”
“Mr. Bass, would you say you fish a lot? Or do you prefer strumming stringed instruments?”
“Data doesn’t matter. Only opinions and stories formed from the data matters and gets shared and absorbed.”
“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.”
“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.”
“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.”
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.”
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird, and decides to chomp down on his competition. It happens all the time in the real world.”
“There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.”
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.”
“The whole world is dying. Just too slowly and naturally for my liking. Somebody should poison the food by genetically modifying it somehow. But even if that happened, nobody would be stupid enough to buy it—let alone eat it—would they?”
“Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.”
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”
“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the United States so romantic?”