Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.”
“A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.”
“Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying, but surely one of the eleven graciously paid for me.”
“Am I going crazy, or am I the only one who can hear the silence?”
“To get a step up in the world, you could use a ladder, or you could use your connections. I prefer the latter.”
“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”
“You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands of time do.”
“Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.”
“I am what I am, and I don’t need to prove it—least of all to myself. And I’ll be damned if I ever answer to my clone. Who is he to question me?”
“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the spectators show up.”
“I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.”
“You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.”
“I can envision your success all day long, but until you imagine its reality, it’s not going to happen. So what are you waiting for? Start daydreaming.”
“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.”
“I’m a model citizen. Mostly I model underwear.”
“I’d rather go into a competition as the underdog. Less pressure to perform, and more motivation.”
“When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.”
“If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.”
“I’m so OCD that I sort the sort ofs out from the maybes.”
“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.”
“I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.”
“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area code and the following seven digits.”
“I accept all people—even the people I find unacceptable.”
“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.”
“Man is somewhere in between God and animal. Jarod is somewhere in between Jar and Jason. (One of which I keep chained up in my freezer).”
“10% ago I was 90% unsure of what I didn’t want to do. Now I’m just 33.3% sure that I’m 66.6% unsure. And I can say this with .1% certainty.”
“An apple’s core principle it to not get eaten. And who wants to eat the core of an apple anyway?”
“She yawned so loudly that I wanted to use her mouth as a putt putt golf hole.”
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.”
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after he leaves for work every morning.”
“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.”
“Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.”
“I have as much style as a turnstile. Thrust your hips into me.”
“In society’s daylight, black people are invisible. Black people are also invisible at night. Hooray for flashlights!”
“Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.”
“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.”
“I took the wheels of my bike off in support of your bicycle race to support bike riding.”
“I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest—I’ll be proving it through my actions. ”
“A miracle every day would cease to be miraculous—it would be mundane. Though even a boring sunset is still glorious.”
“I put gloves on before I put gloves on, so I don’t get my gloves dirty.”
“The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.”
“Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?”
“Inappropriate interview question #7: Are you into retirement home butt sex?”
“In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.”
“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.”
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.”
“My face and body are not my essence. My actions, ideas, and ideals are the stuff of me. My clone will have my face and body, but he won’t be me. ”
“I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.”
“The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret, or cat, in the bag in the first place? I thought only kidnap victims were supposed to be kept in bags. ”
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.”