Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird. ”
“A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat. ”
“A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out. ”
“My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket. ”
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.”
“A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings. ”
“Let my hand be a blanket for my penis. ”
“A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band. ”
“A blanket could be used to fill in the blank. ”
“Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t. ”
“I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket. ”
“I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth. ”
“I use blankets like armor for cold. ”
“I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye. ”
“The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket. ”
“A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which I know to be unknowable.”
“A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes patience, because they enjoy staring at a blank screen every night while their surrounding body is prone to lying prone in bed for eight hours. ”
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got pretty close). ”
“A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician. ”
“A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar. ”
“A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead. ”
“A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough. ”
“A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean. ”
“A brick could be used to liven up urinal chatter. Also, instead of just repeating “Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek. ”
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ”
“A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC. ”
“A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one with the foot peddles). Gosh, I hope I clarified at least one thing for you. ”
“A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus. ”
“A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. ”
“A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore, a lie could be used to detect a lie, and all this logic makes me want to grab a blanket and lie down—and that’s the truth. ”
“A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid. ”
“A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body. ”
“A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your dress Ms. Blanket: I’m naked, you moron Mr. Brick: Tuesdays make me vomit. What are you doing one minute after Monday at 11:59 PM?”
“A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man. ”
“Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could. ”
“A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches. ”
“A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the cops will never think to look there. ”
“A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you. ”
“A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me wherever I go, because I’m always on the move. Maybe one day, when I’m a wealthy man, I’ll get a second brick and walk around with my mansion in my hands. ”
“A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her. ”
“A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time. ”
“A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and I’ll put the new one back in—and I’ll charge a fee for both transactions. ”
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there. ”
“A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory. ”
“A brick could be used to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. You’ll know I’m not playing when I display a brick. Shit’s getting real up in here, motherfucker. ”
“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass. ”
“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals. ”
“A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night. ”
“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face. ”
“A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole milk. ”