Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I think they should change STOP signs to PAUSE signs.”
“The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.”
“The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.”
“I believe that guns offer the most bang for the buck.”
“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”
“When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car. ”
“The quickest way to become an interesting person is to show interest in others.”
“Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.”
“My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily and efficiently be drunk out of one cup.”
“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.”
“My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?”
“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you do it at gunpoint.”
“You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.”
“I stole her perfume out of her car, and in its place I left a loud fart.”
“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more efficient. It’ll work by eliminating 50% of the people required to make one kid. My target market will be asexuals.”
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.”
“If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.”
“In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.”
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.”
“I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.”
“Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.”
“A great band name would be Tickling Whiskers. Especially if the lead singer is a cat. I’d love to audition for backup dancer.”
“I want to be a man of letters. All 26 of them.”
“My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.”
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.”
“The prospective buyer said, “Name your price.” So I replied, “OK, how about Ralph Isaac Papov?”
“The Road To Serfdom is about capitalism. That’s why on the side of that road you’ll find me, in a kiosk, selling ankle chains and handcuffs.”
“I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.”
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.”
“I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.”
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.”
“Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind of thing. It’s an after day thing.”
“The eye of a hurricane is a real Cyclops, and confusing a blink with a wink can be deadly. Sometimes I flirt at 100 miles per hour.”
“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321 Karma Circle, Jax, Fl 32223.”
“Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.”
“A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.”
“I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.”
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably because she never showed or told me.”
“The flag was waving in the wind. Now whether it was waving hello or goodbye, I do not know.”
“She walked by and I said, Nice shirt. What I really meant was, Nice tits.”
“Socialism provides safety in numbers. And that’s OK, if you don’t mind trading your name—your identity and individualism—for a number.”
“I didn’t do a 180-degree turn on my thinking. I simply swiveled my chair around so I could dismiss the idea from the other side.”
“I’m a dyslexic dancer. Instead of leading the women, I follow. Quick, cab driver, follow that woman!”
“Between was and is you’ll find me—but most of the time you’ll only find me in pictures.”
“Gold. You don’t mind if I just mined some, do you?”
“Design is body language for inanimate objects.”
“For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.”
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you picked out and purchased, because they show desire, ambition, goals, and accomplishment.”
“Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least it was yesterday, when I went to visit the cemetery.”