Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“In the epicenter of Epcot Center you’ll find me hiding, 333 miles away.”
“How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor, but not homeless.”
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.”
“The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to spend those hours is what separates us.”
“My ex girlfriend was exquisite, and my current one is quisite.”
“If I were stranded on a desert island, and could have only one person and three things with me, I’d want Nietzsche, a pen, paper, and a stick-on mustache.”
“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.”
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.”
“Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.”
“Male or female, if my name were either Don or Dawn, I’d be up at sunrise to celebrate the glory that is me.”
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.”
“I don’t want to see a group of people get killed. Particularly if those people are all my clones.”
“Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a soda and making it a combo meal.”
“The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.”
“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza boxes transforms anyone into Moses. There can be a crowd of 20,000 people, and if you have a few pizza boxes, the crowd parts like the red sea. Hey, that guy’s got pizza. Let him pass. Make way for importance!”
“The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points—north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered wagon.”
“Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.”
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the point I ran out of gas to wherever she is, assuming she’s hanging out at a gas station.”
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ”
“I’m not stuck up. I’m constipated. ”
“I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.”
“He won’t be as funny as a mountain—he’ll be hill-arious. He is my clone, and I hope he kills me for this terrible pun.”
“I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes.”
“Cats are magicians. They can make my erections disappear. All they have to do is jump in my lap while I’m masturbating. Damn! This is the second time today I’ve had to pause Golden Girls!”
“The time to act is now! Somebody go get the Director.”
“Will I be subtly influenced by what my clone says, or by my own subconscious? Will my thoughts really be mine, or will they be mine—the other me?”
“My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.”
“When I wear my confessional glove it’s super tempting to give myself a velvet handjob.”
“It’s amazing how nostalgia filters out the bad and focuses only on the good.”
“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.”
“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.”
“Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!”
“I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.”
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.”
“I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.”
“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like I’m being followed by a black midget.”
“Why did she want to see me for 15 minutes? I guess because half an hour was twice too long to say I love you. She also used 1,000 times the amount of words that were needed.”
“I want to be so successful that my secretary needs a secretary.”
“Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your parents did that one time, nine months before your birth.”
“Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.”
“Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.”
“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something. People who wear clothes are hiding something too.”
“There are only two ways to love—in spite of yourself, and in spite of the restraining order.”
“I’m in love with the customer service at Walmart. And by customer service I mean the customer is forced to self-checkout because there are two open lanes and 200 people trying to check out.”
“Even a broken mirror isn’t broken if it allows you to see who you really are—cracked down the middle in your duality.”
“I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.”
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.”
“The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.”
“I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.”
“Don’t search for a void to fill. Find a vacuum to carpet. Let this be a lesson in love.”