Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.”
“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.”
“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re closed. Come back tomorrow after 9 am.” I wouldn’t have done it had I known he’d knock on my door and ask to spend the night because he thought I was open. ”
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.”
“I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?”
“Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.”
“My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.”
“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).”
“Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.”
“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.”
“When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.”
“I want to name my son Justin Case. You know, just in case.”
“Life didn’t hand me lemons. Or limes. But staying with the citrus motif, it did hand me oranges. How do you like them apples?”
“Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.”
“If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.”
“What I like most about reading is I can read in minutes what it took the author hours to write. What I like most about writing is readers can read in minutes what it took me seconds to write.”
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.”
“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.”
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot.”
“I make love like I sing—in a choir, alone in the bathtub.”
“Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.”
“In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.”
“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?”
“I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.”
“We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.”
“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made to Roy G. Biv, and how I just broke it.”
“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.”
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)”
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to bring it up from hell.”
“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I might to give it all to just one woman, crumbs break off here and there in meaningless crushes and kisses and—but what am I saying? Baby, you know you’re the only one I’ve given my cookie to. Can I get you a tall glass of milk?”
“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”
“This is my logo for Flaming Flamingo”
“This is yet another logo for Kintz”
“This is my logo for Dora J. Arod”
“This is my logo for Bethany”
“This is another logo for Kintz”
“This is my logo for Mouth”
“This is my logo for Amy”
“This is my logo for Art and Books”
“This is my logo for Two-Faced”
“This is my logo for Ora”
“This is my logo for Mike”
“A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried everything I can think of to silence the noisy neighbor kids, from mousetraps on lollipop sticks, to superglue disguised as lip gloss—and yet the shrieking continues. ”
“A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal the brick. And because the brick won’t get stolen, it’s proof that it deterred thieves from approaching your property. ”
“A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity. ”
“A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death. ”
“A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.”
“A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment. ”
“A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too? ”
“A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow. ”