Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“On second thought, maybe “Penis on a Stick Ice Cream Parlor” is not such a good name for a business—even an ice cream shop—but especially not a day care center catering towards the albino dwarf community.”
“I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.”
“I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her.”
“I fell in love, but she wasn’t there to pick me up. So I took a taxi.”
“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!”
“Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.”
“I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.”
“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.”
“I’m behind you 100%. In fact, I’m so completely behind you that you can’t even see me back there.”
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat some silverware.”
“At the hospital, I won’t be in fair condition. I’ll be in unfair condition, and I’d appreciate it if you brought me a bouncy ball like the one the nurses will have confiscated.”
“I’m like Mary Annette, but I’m not a marionette. Who’s Mary Annette? The first woman of color to be elected to Phi Beta Kappa. What color was she? Wikipedia didn’t have a picture, so probably either blue or green—let’s just call it turquoise.”
“My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.”
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.”
“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.”
“If I were the King’s official mapmaker, I’d also be the second largest landholder (after the King, of course). Would I own the land? Of course—just look at all the official maps.”
“I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.”
“I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches too close?”
“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.”
“The past is always more innocent, because it exists peacefully in the unreachable and unchangeable parts of the imagination.”
“I could save money if I ate my coworker’s pussy for lunch, rather than going to a restaurant.”
“The judge said he was going to throw the book at me. I hoped it was an ebook in the cloud, and not a heavy dictionary.”
“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took me another 30 minutes to figure out they weren’t breath mints at all—they were aspirins.”
“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”
“Lie to me. Just to console my soul.”
“Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.”
“I used to live in a seedy section of town. There were a lot of farmers in the area.”
“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s why they’re dusty, because my feet, unfortunately, were not made for dancing. My feet were made for making wine, and that’s why my walk is intoxicating.”
“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.”
“Met a guy named Bill once. We met in Williamsburg and discussed the Bill of Rights and duck’s beaks.”
“If you can predict the future, you can change the past.”
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.”
“The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.”
“When I think of Vermont, I think of Connecticut.”
“Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.”
“I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).”
“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him, he knows himself, he knows me, and he is my clone, so we will each act exactly how we think we will, and we will each act like the other, and this is why I’ll have to kill him.”
“I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.”
“Is it better to pull someone, or push them to succeed? I have no idea, but will you be my slinky?”
“I was reminded of my ex girlfriend the other day. It’s amazing that something as simple as a first and last name, identical to hers, could remind me of her. I wonder how Zelda McFelda is doing thee days.”
“I said goodbye too early, and then stood there enjoying the awkwardness of her lingering presence.”
“Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.”
“See men run. Semen swim.”
“If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.”
“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.”
“I paid her a little visit, and I used a coupon with the purchase.”
“I tie my smile like a shoelace.”
“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.”
“I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.”