Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I’m too conceited to concede defeat to my clone.”
“I didn’t get sucker punched. It was more of a lollipop.”
“Disregard my order to disregard my order. And that’s an order.”
“I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.”
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours. ”
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?”
“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.”
“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.”
“The only thing that stays the same is change.”
“Love is in the air. Love and pollution.”
“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.”
“Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.”
“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.”
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.”
“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.”
“If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into protecting that vulnerability. But I say if you’re playing on my fear to the left, I’m going to look to the right and try to find out what you’re taking or attacking. ”
“Leave your village, and conquer yourself before you conquer the world. That’s what I did—I left my village. And once I master myself, I’m coming to a village near you to loot and pillage.”
“I’m going to spend a lifetime being me, so I’d better like who I am as a person. My clone better like me too, because he’ll also spend his whole life trying to be me.”
“I don’t know what’s in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. ”
“Mr. Lollipop, do I look like a sucker to you?”
“When the tax man cometh, lie about lying on your taxes.”
“The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late. ”
“I make my own cologne. It’s called “Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.”
“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.”
“I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back. ”
“Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility. ”
“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an asshole.”
“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.”
“The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.”
“I like wearing earmuffs. They keep my balls warm.”
“Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay to sleep through.”
“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.”
“I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want to bypass language—both verbal and nonverbal—and leap to pure concept where all men can be reached, or stoop down to the emotional level, where all mortals dwell.”
“I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.”
“A root vegetable went missing. Maybe it will turnip in my next bad pun.”
“Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn’t enjoy the second.”
“Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection. ”
“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY ”
“I don’t know dick about vaginas.”
“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.”
“I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.”
“Like a river, I’m going to meander through the party. Will you be my canoe? ”
“My cock is camouflaged. Check your bush.”
“I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.”
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.”
“I took a vow to stop taking things.”
“If I were silent and invisible, I’d fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art critics would touch me.”
“If I tried to mail our love, it’s irregular shape and unknowable dimensions would make it difficult to box up. That’s why I’d chop it up and stuff it in a garbage bag, like it was a common body that needed to be dumped. Speaking of that, my neighbor hasn’t seen my other neighbor in days, and he was asking too many questions. Looks like I’ll need to get out another trash sack. ”
“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when it won’t count.”
“The coolest way to be cool is to be yourself, because nobody can be you but you. Well, aside from your clone. ”