Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“The shape of her smile is curved like a lie, like a boomerang she knows she has to catch quickly when it comes back to her.”
“Knowing where you come from is just as important as knowing who you aren’t. You aren’t your own clone.”
“If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics. Think how far behind unmotivated and lazy people lag now after only 65 years on earth, and then multiply that by 15. ”
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a hairy situation. Cats are masters at using their tongues in this manner.”
“Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that works hard to join things together and promote cohesiveness.”
“There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve up the public as dinner to the wolves.”
“I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.”
“A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in life the things we do not have.”
“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.”
“A pear, an apple, and a banana in a basket on a table isn’t art, no matter how skillfully painted. But it is something to talk about, or at least a tasty way to utilize one’s mouth.”
“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.”
“Onions enhance the flavor of food, and the taste of my kisses. ”
“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself at home. Do as you please, but please don’t put your feet up on my hippocampus.”
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings? ”
“The statue stood quiet and still, like the silhouette of a tired mime.”
“With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.”
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots. ”
“My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.”
“I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.”
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.”
“The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I sober, asleep, and alone? ”
“Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.”
“Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple. ”
“If I had to believe, I would. But I don’t, and I do.”
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?”
“I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security. ”
“My asshole is supportive of me. No matter what, good or bad, it’s always right there behind me.”
“The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.”
“If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.”
“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s the last time I’ll get to enjoy it. I’ll savor every moment I believe to be the last.”
“I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted. ”
“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it.”
“I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers. ”
“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”
“Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest.”
“When everything is working out for you, it means you are in the wrong gym.”
“I want a sexual innuendo sandwich, hold the mayonnaise.”
“We couldn’t make love, unfortunately, because she was dead. I didn’t kill her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She died long before I was born, and that’s probably the biggest mistake of my life.”
“Come, midget, and use my pillow as a sleeping bag.”
“A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.”
“One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.”
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.”
“You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”
“It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.”
“The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that date. ”
“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”
“My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.”
“The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.”
“The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at me.”