Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when the power has gone out.”
“A writer should be a recluse. Why share words with a few friends in the moment when they can be written down in solitude and shared with everybody at any time?”
“My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.”
“Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal out leaving me unequal to the task of choosing.”
“I like cardboard. Of course, I have to be in the mood to eat Pizza Hut.”
“Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.”
“To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded by 600,000 people who make the whole world miserable is to live in Washington DC.”
“I had nothing to eat for desert, so I ate a tube of toothpaste. The coolest part was not having to brush my teeth before bed.”
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.”
“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars.”
“After I speak, my words merge with the wind, and if you’re listening, your ears act like sails and carry the conversation.”
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on my way.”
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.”
“I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter? ”
“Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows. ”
“A two-headed man should have twice the IQ, and the ability to have internal dialogues externally.”
“Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.”
“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a marathon, but I always sleep through them—including the one in Boston.”
“If the ink of my writing morphed into ants, would they march along with my thoughts? Would they find my work as enjoyable as a picnic? If the answer is no, I wouldn’t hesitate to stomp all over my writing.”
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”
“I saw her from afar. The game was afoot. I had astiffy.”
“For God’s sake, man, cover up your erection. Here, use the back pocket of my jeans.”
“I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.”
“In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I decided to eat him.”
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.”
“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”
“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before. It was almost more than I could swallow. Almost. ”
“I keep the ketchup in the fridge, though from now on I’m going to keep in the bottle. Less messy, I figure.”
“I’ve often wondered why boxing gloves are bright red. If I were a boxer, I’d wear camouflage colored boxing gloves so my opponent would never see my punches coming.”
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.”
“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of manure are smarter than dogs, and make better best friends (I should know, because I’ve lost three best friends to landscaping incidents in the last year alone, which left me alone).”
“So many trees, so few chimneys.”
“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He wasn’t talking about women being overly dramatic. He was in fact referring to the proper placement of toilet paper. And I agree to a certain extent. Women can be very dramatic at times. * Quote and anecdote taken from Dora J. Arod’s biography titled: “Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.”
“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?”
“My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.”
“In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.”
“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.”
“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only an asshole would buy that.” Then I think, Wait a minute! The advertising agency did research on their client’s target market and which channel and TV shows the ideal demographic watches, right? This would mean a carefully chosen ad campaign to get the product in front of the likely buyers, who in this case, are assholes. And I’m on the chosen channel, which means that I am one of the assholes of interest. Then I get spooked, because how’d they figure out that am asshole? Scary how well they know me.”
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.”
“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”
“I don’t have any money to speak of. And if I did, what’s there to say? They say money talks, but it doesn’t talk to me. Money won’t even look at me half the time.”
“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.”
“Even free things, things that cost no money, still cost time.”
“I’ll leave my disconnected cell phone as collateral, and I’ll call you on it when I’m able to pay.”
“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.”
“It’s not yummy gum if there’s no bubble. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”
“My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.”
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”
“In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up. ”
“On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.”