Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.”
“As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.”
“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself don’t remember. I remember being there, but not where there was, or being a being—I just was—I was simply existing and I wasn’t focusing on is or how or why, and certainly not where or when. I hope this clarifies the issue for you. I think I’ve been more than helpful.”
“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.”
“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times. ”
“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.”
“Some women will spread a lie faster and wider than they’d spread their legs. These women are worse than whores. These women are politicians.”
“As a point of fact, the best apologies don’t come at the point of a sword, they come freely and of one’s own volition, hours and sometimes even days after the torture session has ended.”
“My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.”
“I explore my subconscious the way Cousteau explored the sea: with a scuba tank and a smile.”
“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be able to count on my friends.”
“We need more upright citizens in this country. Everybody is just lying down as if asleep to the issues. And those who are up and moving are merely sleepwalking.”
“There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is: I’ll take the one you didn’t choose. You see, you are the fool here, because I poisoned the first apple!”
“Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!”
“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.”
“My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.”
“I think the most heavenly food is fluffy white clouds.”
“I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.”
“Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.”
“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.”
“I’m trying to overcome my OCD by replacing my neurosis with three other letters.”
“Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.”
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.”
“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.”
“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap sheets in America belong to politicians.”
“There’s no way to tell you the bad news without saying it, so I’ll say it with body language.”
“The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I keep the dishwasher in the trunk.”
“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”
“I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.”
“We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.”
“People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.”
“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”
“I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country that could hold my creations.”
“My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV show is on mute.”
“As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pay the ransom money before I committed suicide.”
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.”
“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.”
“At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart.”
“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.”
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.”
“I don’t need your sympathy, unless it comes in the form of a check or cash. I also accept money orders.”
“When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.”
“All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.”
“Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back. ”
“Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless it’s a sunken statue—in a river of lava.”
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.”
“Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.”
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.”
“People are like puzzles. Especially interconnected people, like Siamese twins.”