Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.”
“I’ll drink out of your bra, because I’m thirsty for your love.”
“When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.”
“I am the chef of love. Let me utilize your oven.”
“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”
“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.”
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.”
“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.”
“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and I think you’ll love my kids. You’d better, because you’re going to give birth to them.” This usually works, because after I say this I can immediately go back to being an introvert, as I’m left standing there all alone. ”
“The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight pattern, and that pattern is plaid.”
“Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the situation.”
“There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then make up later.”
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my wallet.”
“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. Taste them and you will see.”
“Her name is Faith, or that’s what I believe it to be.”
“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting horny.”
“I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think it’s absurd and naïve to think that. Oh, Satan exists, but he’s a puppy dog compared to politicians and lobbyists.”
“I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.”
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.”
“Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.”
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.”
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea blend into one, I’ll leave my fishing pole in a tree, disguised as a branch.”
“I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.”
“I trust politicians to do what’s right. For themselves. ”
“Reverse psychology, I do it in front of the mirror.”
“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.”
“It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man or an army that can kill an idea, and I’ll show you an example of the absurd.”
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror? ”
“If I were among midgets I didn’t know, I’d be afraid they’d see I was uncomfortable making small talk.”
“I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.”
“Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by a speeding bicycle?”
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose. ”
“To me, life is sad, like a piano with no pedals being played by a person with no fingers. ”
“If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.”
“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to receive that accolade, since he was the only 17-year-old at school.”
“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.”
“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so I sent it to be dry cleaned.”
“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left my innocence in there.”
“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.”
“My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.”
“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who only has an English degree that’s not even worth the paper it’s printed on, the paper I folded into an origami dragon and lit on fire.”
“The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short. ”
“Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.”
“In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this down. Blah.”
“In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in History.”
“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.”
“War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.”
“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.”
“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.”
“A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.”