Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Salmon swim against my stream of consciousness.”
“I’m interested in women as a whole, not simply as three holes.”
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”
“I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car.”
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started after I take a nap.”
“I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.”
“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone. He thinks like me, so I’m OK with him thinking for me.”
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.”
“I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.”
“I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.”
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?”
“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.”
“When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.”
“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.”
“I like cream and sugar in my sleep.”
“I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.”
“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.”
“I live in Florida, and when people ask how close to the beach I am, I say, “Twelve minutes or twelve hours. Depends on which beach you want to go to.”
“There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.”
“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.”
“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.”
“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your cooking.”
“To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to be successful.”
“The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.”
“I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?”
“I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.”
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves. Through my clones, I am a slave to myself.”
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.”
“Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.”
“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.”
“The difference between me and a scientist is a little word called “Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.”
“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those hookers?!”
“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”
“At my last birthday party I had fun and really let myself go. Literally. I opened the cages where I keep my clones and I let myself go, all 333 versions of myself.”
“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”
“If you want to know what love is for, the answer is “other people.”
“Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.”
“My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.”
“I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.”
“A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.”
“Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.”
“I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns.”
“If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.”
“I've decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.”
“I used to have straw-colored hair. Horses loved it.”
“If I were facing a firing squad, I’d ask them to hold on just one second, because I have a wedgie and it is very uncomfortable. Let me adjust myself, and then you can shoot me.”
“An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).”
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.”
“The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”