Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?”
“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.”
“We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.”
“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.”
“I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315. The number 315 confuses you, so you wonder, “Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.”
“I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.”
“Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).”
“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).”
“I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”
“Turn the fan off when I’m talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I’m saying.”
“It’s amazing how my whole body can be covered up in bed except for one inch on my shoulders and I’ll be cold. But when I pull the blanket up all the way, all of one inch, miraculously I’m warm. One inch makes a difference, especially to a man with a two-inch penis.”
“The US is about to go all Billy the Kid. Inflation is going to keep shooting up.”
“I’ll agree with you if you promise to argue with me. That’s what love is, right?”
“I have a pet frog. He sleeps in a king-sized bed, just in case he happens to be an undercover prince.”
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any information, as my mind wanders in a pre dream state. That’s also how I drive 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m just flat-out asleep.”
“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.”
“You can call me Dr. Love. I’ve got a PhD from Cupid University. My degree came with a side order of fries and a large Dr. Pepper.”
“I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”
“I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’ll be here.”
“When someone asks me if I was born in a barn, I always give them a long face. And a whinny.”
“The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.”
“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.”
“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”
“Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.”
“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?”
“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.”
“I need to protect myself from myself. And my clone.”
“If I had a clone, he’d better be my equal, and not my better. Can you imagine how I’d feel being jealous of myself?”
“If you drive the same car as me, and have been in a fender bender, I’ll think, “Boy, that’s what my car could look like.” Same with clones. If one of my clones got beat up, I’ll think, “Boy, that could have been me. Better me squared than me.”
“The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).”
“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it for? Safety. I feel safer not knowing how many things I’ve killed with my car, possibly including many missing children.”
“I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.”
“I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.”
“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.”
“You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.”
“A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.”
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?”
“Have an apple. It’s bruised. I beat the hell out of it.”
“Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.”
“A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.”
“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.”
“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?”
“I am the red wheelbarrow of communism. William Carlos Williams wrote a poem about me.”
“Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.”
“Everyone in the world ages at exactly the same rate and time. We’re all getting older in unison.”
“If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t pay them, but they are me, so it’s not slavery.”
“Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable?”
“The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.”
“If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.”