Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam ”
“There is nothing right about the triangle known as Bermuda. The only thing right is the knowledge you’ll be left behind if you try to rack up the Bermuda Triangle.”
“If you make guns illegal, the only people who will have them will be criminals—and the government, which of course is the same thing.”
“He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.”
“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”
“I wrote my name on the list 10 years ago, and under the date I wrote “In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?”
“I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool out of my eyes. ”
“I plan on putting off death my whole life.”
“If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch.”
“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”
“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.”
“I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s.”
“If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.”
“Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.”
“I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.”
“If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth. ”
“Who am I to ask you who you are, even if you’re my clone.”
“Only cowards never tire of cowering. I try to milk the cower for all it’s worth.”
“Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn’t even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood.”
“Love equals 9X+1Y-4Z, with XYZ representing whatever.”
“I stabbed the intruder with a knife. How else was I supposed to cut him into bite-sized pieces?”
“I’m not going to beg for my clone to get on his knees and grovel.”
“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.”
“It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.”
“I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.”
“My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.”
“I’m a typical atypical kind of guy.”
“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack.”
“If I ever meet Michael Phelps, I’m going to tell him that I am that Michael Phelps of random thoughts. Then I’ll challenge him to a game of pool.”
“I’m so tall I make midgets look like dwarves.”
“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup. It’s fresh, as I just made it after reading the latest political news.”
“If you don’t speak Greek, how do you know if it’s all Greek to you?”
“The earliest I’ve ever been late is on time.”
“Love isn’t measured in feet and miles, it’s measured in hands and hands on. (Yesterday at 3:33 pm I spoke to the Prime Minister of Orafouraville about your recent skin condition, and he said he’d send over his best cartographer to map the growing infection).”
“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.”
“I want to write a story about an asexual unicycle who refuses to let a unicorn ride it.”
“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.”
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because one is not really a party. But me and my 32 clones don’t let that stop us from enjoying myselves.”
“Instead of hatching a plan, why not break it open prematurely and use it to make an omelet? It’s just food for thought. Actually, it’s thought for food.”
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.”
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to her family. As it is, I only need to cut her up into four pieces, and serve her to the pigs.”
“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.”
“If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.”
“A Cyclops on a unicycle juggling three giant eyeballs couldn’t compare to the balanced vision my writing presents. In fact, noted linguist and translation expert Dora J. Arod had these flattering words to say about my writing: “I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but that was the only part that was praising.”
“I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.”
“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.”
“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me. ”
“There’s a hair in my soup. That’s the problem of using my helmet as a bowl.”
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good question. Well, for one thing, I put it together, and for another, I’m currently wearing it like body armor (though to the casual observer, I appear naked).”