Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?”
“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like it to go. Now, damnit! Fast food simply isn’t fast enough for me. I’m so quick that I need a refill on my drink, and I haven’t even taken a sip.”
“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was the only one who was naked.”
“The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.”
“I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).”
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the real estate agents in town jealous.”
“Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.”
“A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.”
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.”
“If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.”
“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for to not trust me. Wouldn’t you rather be proved right than not lose money?”
“When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.”
“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.”
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to a different Mrs. Foster, and Mrs. Foster, the first Mrs. Foster, is married to a different Mr. Foster. And though I don’t know the second Mr. Foster, I heard he was a real asshole.”
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but he was already as dead as a slab of meat.”
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?”
“If you are who you associate with, then I am my own clone.”
“I am the kangaroo of love. Do you question it? You can take your skepticism and stuff it straight down my pouch.”
“Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.”
“Sometimes a well-placed sound effect can be more poignant than a boxing glove-sized punch line.”
“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?”
“I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.”
“I found love when I stopped looking for it. And I sold it precisely when everyone else began their search.”
“Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.”
“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.”
“She was in a coma, and had been unresponsive for years. Every Tuesday I’d visit her and read to her, and as I’d leave I’d always say, “I love you,” as I’d kiss her on her forehead. One day as I was leaving, I said my normal I love you and kissed her, when her eyes popped open, she looked directly into my eyes, smiled, and then she said, “Spaghetti for brains albino idea weasel.” And that was when I stabbed her with a piece of garlic toast. It seemed like the most appropriate response. The police didn’t seem to agree, and I could tell by the way they bagged the evidence in a To Go box that they thought I was the lowest of the low, lower perhaps than even a politician. Well, not quite that low, but certainly with the cockroaches, vultures, and aids-infested vampires.”
“If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.”
“I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.”
“Somebody dialed the wrong number trying to reach me, but I didn’t pick up because I didn’t recognize the number, or the legitimacy of the situation.”
“If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it. ”
“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.”
“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.”
“Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon.”
“Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person.”
“I made an ice sculpture that represents my love for you. It never melts.”
“My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.”
“You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.”
“We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two. ”
“I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.”
“If I had a choice between walking along a sidewalk with no rails and a thousand foot drop, or jumping in a tank full of blood and sharks, I’d choose the sharks.”
“As the Hulk is green, I was bright red. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I was having a Niacin reaction.”
“Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.”
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”
“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.”
“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.”
“Of course my clone will be handsome. He’ll look exactly like my other clone, won’t he?”
“Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.”
“How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows”
“I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.”
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?”