Josh Stern

“If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody”

“My recipe for success: Have someone else do it”

“Some Women have this thermogenic effect on you, even after they've left, you can still breathe her scent, feel her electricity & be stunned”

“You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa”

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame”

“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”

“I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose”

“Most of us need something not to walk away from”

“if you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough”

“If you live life on your own terms, people will definitely not understand you”

“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”

“When Unicorns headbutt, there are no winners"
”

“It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent”

“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”

“I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet”

“If the second date seems to be going well, it's pretty much a given that by dessert I'll renounce my faith”

“Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast”

“Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

“Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled”

“I hate cutting my wrists while shaving”

“A watched pot never boils.... but it does develop paranoia”

“As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?”

“Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months”

“Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle”

“it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong”

“The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one”

“Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings”

“If life is a bowl of cherries.... do you know how many virgins it took to make that....”

“I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance”

“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

“At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control”

“If you can't beat them, conjoin them”

“The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1”

“Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school”

“When you enter the Lions Den, it's best not to go empty-handed or you'll probably leave that way”

“The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code”

“Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them”

“Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard”

“If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?”

“When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time”

“There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label”

“I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear”

“‎'Having' Your Cake....a little perverted....'Eating' it too.....a lot perverted!”

“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, give him some horns and he can be a Circus Seal act”

“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate”

“I freely admit to enjoying the attentions Women lavish on me- Although it's usually when they're taking my order”

“To acknowledge the absurdly surreal is the clarity to embrace life as it is, not as we desire it- what you do with this information, hell if I know”