Julie Anne Peters

“Mom's eyes blazed. "Are you sleeping with her?"Oh, god. Did we have to do this here? Now? "Well, actually," I smirked, "we don't get a lot of sleep.”

“I hated lying, though. That’s probably why I was so bad at it.”

“Yet, when we talked, when we were together, she seemed so familiar. Seemed to know who I was, where I was coming from. She knew me better than I knew myself, I think. She was easy to be with. And I wanted to be with her, like all the time.”

“Sometimes I felt as if there were no tomorrows, that everything, my whole life, was crammed into one long day. A continuous stretch of meaningless time. Sometimes I even wished there was no tomorrow, if this was all I had to look forward to.”

“Sometimes I'd catch myself looking at my reflection in windows and wonder who I was. Where I was going. Then the image would change and it wouldn't be me, just some nebulous shadow person.”

“Out of sight, out of mind. My philosophy of life in a test tube.”

“Nick!' I flinch. 'What?' Jo widens her eyes at Mom. 'Forget it, Jo,' Mom says. 'He's not ready.''Yes, I am,' I tell her. 'I know I don't have a dad. Kenny DiPoto doesn't have a dad either because his dad got knifed in jail.''Geezus,' Jo breathes. 'What kind of neighbourhood is this?”

“It's actually the fourth,' I say, 'if you count getting fired from CopyMax.''Which we do not.' Jo slit-eyes me. She scoops up a handful of Fritos and tosses them into her mouth.I try to keep a straight face, but it's hard when I add, 'Fired for copying your naked butt and gluing it on your boss's chair.”

“Stop,' I tell her, stepping between her and the bag. 'Look what you're doing.' Jo gazes down at her hands as if they're not even attached to her body. She lowers them. She says, 'I've got a problem.''No shit,' I reply.Her head lolls back and I can see she's hurting. 'I made you coffee.' I tell her, thumbing at the mug on the picnic table. 'Extra strong.'She asks, 'Did you spike it with arsenic?''We're all out,' I answer. 'Unfortunately, all I could find was Excerdrin.”

“And it’s more. It’s about getting past that question of whatswrong with me, to knowing there’s nothing wrong, that you were bornthis way. You're a normal person and a beautiful person and youshould be proud of who you are. You deserve to live and live with dignityand show people your pride.”

“Me? I had no dreams. No longings. Dreams only set you up for disappointment. Plus, you had to have a life to have dreams of a better life.”

“What was I afraid of, exactly? What other people would think? I guess, a little. But that wasn't what was stopping me from acting on my feelings. It was the intensity of them. The desire for her. I knew if I gave into it, I'd have to surrender myself completely. I'd lose all control. Everything I knew, everything I was, the walls I'd built up to protect myself all these years would come crashing down. I might get lost in the rubble. Yet, she made me feel alive in a way I'd only ever imagined I could feel. Bells, whistles, music.”

“Our eyes met across the crowded room, like in the movies, except we didn't share a knowing smile and race into each other's arms. Instead I fell into the trash can.”

“...When I asked [my dad why the sky was blue] he said it was because God's a boy. If God were a girl, the sky would be pink.'What about sunrise and sunset?' I'd asked.Dad had looked dumbfounded. 'You kids. You think too much.'It frightened me how shallow the gene pool was that Liam and I were wading in.”

“I better get the hearse back before dark." Xanadu sighed. "Uncle Lee got into it with Aunt Faye about me even borrowing it." Grabbing Jamie by his cougar emblem, she added, "Let's go, girlfriend." She yanked him toward the parking lot. I heard Jamie say, "Could I ride in the trunk and pretend I'm a corpse?”

“I gaze up at the ceiling. Through it. Past Kim and Chip's room on the second floor into the sky, space, heaven, hell. Who says hell is down? It could be up. It could be next door to heaven. Hell could be a subset of heaven, like a ghetto in the middle of a glass city.”

“During those times, they'd stand there watching me watching them. I'd pray, please. Put a pillow to my face. Clench a hand around my throat. Stab me. Shoot me. Put me out of everyone's misery.Why did you give birth to such a loser? Why didn't you admit I was hopeless and fat and stop trying to make me fit in? This world wasn't meant for me. I was born too soon or too late. Too defective.I wish I could tell my parents, "If you want to help me, help me die."I wonder, Are they required to fill out a 24-hour suicide watch form? Is the Defect at home? Check. Is It alive? Check.Why did they bother with the constructive surgery on my throat anyway? Waste of money. They threw away or hid from me everything with sharp edges or breakables. Picture frames. Pottery. Did they think they could suicide-proof this place?I want to tell them, "Chip, Kim, there is no way to suicide-proof a person”

“J_Doe032692 wrote: I am not a thin person. However this does not give people the right to taunt me, calling me ugly and worthless, telling me to kill myself because no one will ever want me, or to make up songs about why I am so fat and how much food I eat. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HURT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THIS BADLY.My throat constricts. The neck brace feels as if it's shrinking and cutting off my esophagus. I reach up and cover the words with my hand and the web site dissolves.I want to go. Now.”

“Welcome to Final Forum. Use this board to communicate with other who are completers. Please note: Participants may not attempt to dissuade or discourage self termination. Disregard for free will informed consent will result in immediate removal from the board. Future access to Through-The-Light will be denied. This board is monitored at all times."That's comforting. I've been to suicide boards before where people get on and say stuff like, "Don't do it. Suicide is not the answer."They don't know the question.Or, "Life's a bitch. Get used to it."Thanks."Suicide is the easy way out."If it's so easy, why am I still here?And my favorite: "God loves you. Life is the most precious gift from God. You will break God's heart if you throw His gift away."God has a heart? That's news to me.People on boards are very, very shallow.The Final Forum has a long list of topic, including: Random Rants, Bullied, Divorce, Disease, So Tired, Hate This Life, Bleak, Bequests, Attempts.Already I like this board. I start with Random Rants.”

“Arlo: Show her the ropes.Finn: Where do we keep the ropes again?”

“You know what I do to forget the past? I drink my own special concoction. I call it Milk of Amnesia.”

“Black_Venus: Here it goes:Curious mosaicContinental driftParabolic metaphorElemental riftTime and transpositionConscious intermissionAssertion?Desertion --Black_Venus: That's all I have so far. You finish it.Me: How about "Spanish Inquisition.”

“But hell would have to freeze over before I ever wore a dress.”

“It was all about hate. There should be laws. We're there laws? Can you legislate against hatred?”

“I close my eyes and black out the day. The exhaustion of living through it, surviving.”

“What's the point of living if you don't belong anywhere?”

“... Then he did a strange thing. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my palm." "I died. That was like the sweetest thing.”

“My name, from his lips. It still made my heart leap.”

“Yeah, I loved her. I couldn't help it. She was my brother.”

“Is that all I am? A friend?""Of course not," I say. "I love you.""Am I the only one?" she asks."Yes. Completely." First, last, and always.”

“She responds by kissing me harder and longer and deeper. She loves me too. She's just afraid.”

“That earns him a smack with my book bag."Ow." He clutches his arm. "What do you have in there? Books?" A grin snakes across his face. "I like my women feisty."He adds, "I like my broken.”

“His eyes are like a telescope. I look into them and I'm transported across the universe to a world I've never been.”

“What can happen in a few minutes changes you forever.”

“My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone?""Only after the school's shepherd's pie," I said.”

“What you see, isn't always what you get”

“Year after year. "Please don't make me go [to school]""You have to go," Kim would say. "It's a new school, make a new start." "Sticks and stones." from Chip. Words will only kill you.”

“You still have," I looked at my watch, "twelve seconds to change your mind. Find someone else and save your reputation."One side of his lip cricked up. "I found you. I'll take my chances.”

“Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose”

“Miracles don't happen. You make them happen. They're not wishes or dreams or candles on a cake. They're not impossible. Reality is real. It's totally and completely under my control.”

“Your failures and your faults, they stick with you. They glob into ugly, cancerous growths inside you and make you want to die.”

“How does he do it? Live. With the fear of death every day. I don't fear death as much as I fear the thought of living.”

“What will I become? Because I won't be me any longer. That will be a relief. I dont want to be the helpless person I've always been.”

“What I know is you can't go back. You can't press delete and re-key your life.”

“I hope they remember the good stuff, when I was a baby, a toddler, when they still had hopes and dreams for their little girl, their miracle child. In truth they were good to me. They were only doing what they knew how to do; what they thought was best.”

“How will you be remembered? As a loner and a loser.”

“I'm scared. What will tomorrow bring? It has to be better than today. It has to.”

“What awaits you? Eternal peace. Serenity. The light on the other side. What awaits me is unknown. The only certainty is that life is an eternal hell.”

“But I'm no hero. I had to keep my dirty little secret. The worst sin I committed was holding it in; letting the secret blacken me.”

“I never defended myself. Not once. I never said, "Excuse me? What gives you the right to insult and demean me?" I let them steal my dignity.”