Louise Rennison

“Tom is back on a flight at 6:15 P.M. That is 6:15. Do you get it? Not 6:00 P.M. but 6:15 P.M. And do you know how many minutes that is? I do. I have also become a Time Lord.”

“There he is, tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do?"I said, "Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.”

“Gingee, Gingee, it's meeeeeeeeeeee!!!'I could hear her panting up the stairs to my room. She kicked open my bedroom door and ran from the door and leapt onto the bed, covering me with kisses.'I LOBE you, my big big sister.'I couldn't get her off me.'Libby, just let me...''Kissy kissy kiss, snoggy snog.''That's enough, now let me...''Mmmmmm, groovy baby.'What is she talking about? She is supposed to be in kindergarten to learn how to grow up, not turn into an even madder person. Then she stood up on the bed and starting thrusting her hips out and singing her favorite:'Sex bum sex bum I am a sex bum.'Quite spectacularly mad.”

“i will not have him in my brain;there is no room for anyone else in the cakeshop of agony. it's crowded enough in there already.”

“Some things in life are not pleasant but they have to be done. For instance, German and maths.”

“I am going to keep my mind (well, what's left of it) occupied by doing (and I never thought the day would come when I would say this) my homework.”

“You're fourteen years old. You've only had that hair for fourteen years and you want to change it already! How bored are you going to be with it by the time you are thirty? What color will you be up to by then?”

“You wouldn't say ' You've got the crappest eyes I've ever seen. Your eyes make me physically sick.”

“What is that song they are singing Is it an old Yorkshire ditty you know like that 'On Ilkley Moor Bar T'at' " Ruby said "Nah it's a football song. It goes 'We hate Chelsea we hate Chelsea we are the Chelsea haters.”

“When girls walk home we put on lippy and makeup. We chat. Sometimes we pretend to be hunchbacks. But that is it. Perfectly normal behavior.”

“Here is my recipe for a mood enhancer. Take a friend, preferably one with a really annoying fringe and outsize pants, and when she is rambling on swiftly, push her into a ditch and run away.”

“I said, "Do you think she thinks it's me?"Jas said, "Well, it's pretty conclusive, isn't it? She said 'the most sniveling idiot I have ever come across.'"I said, "I didn't know that YOU have been seeing Masimo. Tom the Slug King is going to be very upset.”

“Dad at breakfast today being very quiet. I notice he is clean shaven. I said to him, 'Vati, what has happened to the little beaver that used to live on the end of your chin?”

“Mum said, "It is the thought that counts."And I said, "I know, which is why I am ringing the authorities right now. Anyone who thinks like she does should be locked up out of harm's way.”

“He said, 'Hi, gorgeous,' which I think is nice. I admire honesty.”

“I couldn't believe it. It was unbelievable, that's why. My face was like a frozen fish finger. All rigid and pale. (But obviously not with breadcrumbs on it.)”

“What in the name of Hitler's panties and matching bra set was she talking about?”

“A nod is as good as a wink to a blind badger.”

“Rosie laughed in a not too reassuring way if you like sane laughter.”

“Overslept and had to race to get a life to Jas’s with my dad. No time for yoga or makeup. Oh well, I’ll start tomorrow. God alone knows how the Dalai Lama copes on a daily basis. He must get up at dawn. Actually, I read somewhere that he does get up at dawn.”

“Boys are like elastic bands. It doesn't mean that boys are made of elastic, which is a plus because nobody wants a boyfriend made out of rubber. On the other hand, if they were made out of rubber, you could save yourself a lot of time and effort and heartache by just rustling one up out of a car tire. Boys are different from girls. Girls like to be cozy all the time but boys don't. First of all, they like to get all close to you like a coiled-up rubber band, but after a while, they get fed up with being too coiled and need to stretch away to their full stretchiness. Then, after a bit of on-their-own strategy, they ping back to be close to you. So in conclusion on the boy front, you have to play hard to get and also let them be elastic bands.”

“Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.What light doth through yonder window break?It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!”

“Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you.”

“Shut up Jas, you are not Baby Jesus”

“Everyone is so bloody keen on me thinking all of a sudden. It's not what I do.”

“Dad has brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning! I said, 'Vati, why are you waking me up in the middle of the night? Are you on fire?”

“When Mutti and Vati came in I didn't speak to them. I just unfurled the CAT MOLESTERS banner I had made.”

“You make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets!”

“Here is another marvy glimpse into the gothic basement that I call my mind.”

“BiologyThe film turns out to be about bees. It is a film about a bee center. How crap is this going to be? An hour laterThat was the best thing I have seen for ages. We made Miss Wilson rewind the bit where the two queens were having a bitch fight.”

“Honestly, what planet do these people live on? And why isn't it farther away?”

“I could have quite literally snogged until the cows came home. And when they came home I would have shouted, "WHAT HAVE YOU COWS COME HOME FOR? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SNOGGING, YOU STUPID HERBIVORES???”

“I don't want to be rude to the afflicted but Uncle Eddie is bald in a way which is the baldest I have ever seen.”

“As she left my room I knew I should shut up. But you know when you should shut up because you really should just shut up...but you keep on and on anyway? Well, I had that.”

“Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even wetter than normal. She was like an anoraksick. (A person who is both very thin and wears tragic anoraks.) I just made that up as a joke. Even though I am very upset I can still think of a joke.”

“I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.”

“I wonder if it is possible to have two boyfriends. I mean, times are changing. Relationships are more complicated. In France men always have mistresses and wives and so on. Henri probably has two girlfriends. He would laugh if you told him you just had one. He would say, 'C'est tres, tres tragique.'”

“I am a pop widow.”

“You are not ashamed of our luuurve, are you, Jas?''Look, shut up, people might hear.''What do you mean, the people who live in the telephone?”

“JUST LET IT GO.”

“When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.”

“Nunga nungas!”

“its sjuuggee”

“I am soooo excited, I am over-excited. I'm hysterical, I may have to slap my own face in a minute at this rate.”

“He says we should take it easy and that maybe he overreacted a bit."Dave said, "A bit? That's like Hitler saying, 'Oooh, I just meant to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally invaded Poland.”

“He has a song in his heart for me. I hope it is not "Shut Uppa You Face, Whatsa Matta You.”

“He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.”

“Everyone is so obsessed with themselves nowadays that they have no time for me.”

“Look, I can't go out with you, because...because...because I'm a lesbian.”

“Jas, you are three hundred miles away. You would have to have nunga-nungas the size of France for Jock to be able to rest his hand on them.”