MaryJanice Davidson

“—Además —lo interrumpió nuevamente—, mis hijos jamás tendránque preocuparse por su próxima comida. Nunca tendrán que pagarimpuestos, nunca tendrán que preocuparse acerca de cómo permitirse enviara sus hijos a la escuela. Ellos siempre tendrán la opción de un sólido techosobre sus cabezas y tres comidas diarias. Siempre habrá personas a sualrededor para cuidarlos y protegerlos. Ellos nunca, nunca estarán solos. Y sihicieran algo mal, tendrían el poder de arreglarlo.”

“Tina was kneeling before me, holding Donald's head by the hair and very plainly trying to hand it to me. "Majesty, I beg your forgiveness for the indignity you suffered and offer you the head of our enemy as—" "Put that thing down," I said impatiently. "I can't talk to you when you're shaking his head like a damned maraca.”

“Jessica peeked into the bathroom, then hurried back to report. "They got that boy stripped mother naked and they're scrubbing him with your brand-new loofah."I winced. Thirty-seven ninety-nine at The Body Shop, kaput.”

“…and who are you, anyway?" "I'm Tina.” "Thank goodness!” I said so loudly she stepped back. "No silly-ass overdone names for you, m'girl.” "It's short for Christina Caresse Chavelle.” "Well, you did the best you could.”

“You'll pay," she said stonily. "You won't be like this by this time tomorrow." "Bored and pissed off? God, I hope not.”

“I'm not playing vamp politics.”

“Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a life.”

“I stared harder. Come on, vampire mojo. Do your thing. "Don't. Kill. Yourself." "Why. Are you. Talking. Like this?”

“So you're a vampire?""Yes. But don't be scared. I'm still a nice person.”

“...But that is not my scene and I'm outta here."His hand shot out and grabbed me above the elbow. "Indeed, but you'll accompany me, I think." The stone face cracked and he almost smiled. "I insist on the pleasure of your company. We have much to talk about." "My ass!”

“I turned. Tall, Dark, and Sinister was rapidly approaching.”

“... if hanging with other vamps means I have to go the whole movie cliché route, then forget it. Cemeteries? Acolytes? Partying in chilly mausoleums? Yuck-o. Also, nobody wears a tux this time of year unless they're going to a wedding. You look like an escapee from the set of Dracula Does Doris.”

“... friends are such a mixed blessing.”

“I looked up. Mom looked down at me with the compassion/practicality combo that was her trademark.”

“Crying's okay while it lasts, but you can only do it for so long. And it's weird to do it when you apparently can't make tears anymore (did this mean I wouldn't pee or sweat, either?). Anyway, eventually you're done, and you have to figure out what to do next.”

“It's Privacy, Please, for the Penguins.”

“I really did have my reasons. I don't blame you for being mmpphhh-phargle."She mmpphh-phargled because he tugged her into his embrace and buried his nose in her hair.”

“Hi," the werewolf said. He was dark-haired and broad, with gold eyes, big hands, and a feral scruffiness that Cole felt and instantly responded to. He had the weird urge to kill a cow and present it to the stranger. Two cows.”

“there wasn't a damned thing I could say without coming off like a mega-bitch. And it wasn't even nine o'clock. I wanted to put off mega-bitchery until noon at least. Or save it for George. George! The perfect person to take my pissiness out on. I'd do what people all over the world did--take my domestic problems to work and punish the innocent with my inability to be in an adult relationship.That's the first time in the history of George that "the innocent" has referred to George.”

“George paid for college by working for Cutco. Cutco is a company that makes and sells knives. Their salespeople go door-to-door. George Pinkman talked his way into peoples' homes with a big bag of knives and sold them potential murder weapons. Do I have to add that he was their top salesman three years running? I do not.”

“Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'.”

“Somehow, when I wasn't looking, somehow because it's electronic mail, none of the basic grammar rules applied.”

“Oh my God", Marc rhapsodized. "Who is that ?""An asshole," I mumbled, turning back to him and picking up my tea. I was so rattled I sloshed some of the hot liquid on my hand, but I didn't feel a thing."He's coming over here !" Marc squealed. "Oh my God, oh my God, ohmyGod!""Will you get a hold of yourself?" I hissed. "You sound like a girl with a crush. Ah-ha!”

“We have souls. Sure we do. Otherwise we'd do bad things all the time. You know, likepoliticians.”

“You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am.""Sit up. Arf," I teased."What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am.""Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop!”

“I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.”

“I'm in a Roadrunner cartoon, Sinclair. And I'm the coyote.”

“Zombieland reference," Jon said, nodding."How do you know that? That's a thousand-year-old reference!" I looked at laura. "I can't think of a single movie from a thousand years ago.""Uh...Betsy...""Don't say it." You know how you don't know how stupid something is until you hear yourself say it? That happened to me a lot.”

“I ducked again as her Hellfire sword whistled over my head, and sidestepped so quickly I tripped over a chair. I was in such a hurry to scramble to my feet that for a few seconds I ran in place, like the Road Runner.”

“Okay. And you'll, uh, make sure he doesn't hurt anybody when he's, you know, nutty and out of his mind with blood lust?" For the next ten years?Liam winced (well, he blinked), but Sophie soldiered on. "My queen, I have experience in these matters. Guarding young vampires--I--all will be as you wish."Yeah, right. That'd be a fucking first.”

“Why is it suddenly uncool to spell? That's all I want to know.”

“The vampire bible, bound in human skin, written in blood, and full of prophecies that were never wrong. Trouble was, if you read the thing too long, it drove you nuts. Not "I'm having a bad day and feel bitchy" nuts or PMS nuts. "I think I'll commit felony assault on my friends and rape my boyfriend" nuts.”

“...you just never knew when a totally normal vampire errand would end in a bloodbath with severed-limb soap.”

“Fred coughed, which caused Sam and Ellie to look over at her. “Hey, Ellie. Watch this.”Mentally apologizing to her oldest friend, Fred seized Jonas by the shirt collar andheaved him out of his chair and through the (fortunately open) sliding door.Jonas was densely built (“Deliciously so,” Dr. Barb might have said over the sound ofFred’s retching), but no match for Fred’s hybrid strength, and the air velocity he achievedwas really quite something.Fred ignored his wail (“My sundaeeee!”), which became easier to do the fainter it got.”

“I—I adore you, too. Well, I don't know if I adore you. That's not really the word I'd use. But I—I—" I managed to wrench it out. God, this was hard! "I love you.""Of course you do," he said, totally unsurprised."WHAT? I finally tell you my deepest, most personal feelings and you're all, 'Yeah, I already got that memo'? This, this is why you drive me nuts! This is why it's so hard to tell you things! I take it back.”

“He snarled at me. "This isn't over yet, Betsy.""Excellent," I said. "I would also have accepted 'You haven't seen the last of me' and 'You'll regret this'.”

“Sinclair doesn't love your sister." "Not yet." I said darkly. "Give him time.""Look, I'm sure he's interested in her—""Wait till you see her. Just wait.""Like he doesn't have pussy thrown at him from cars?""What a horrifying mental image.”

“Why don't you mind your own fucking business?" I snapped. "If I want to take my sister to my place of business, that's my own damned business and not any of your business." Was I overusing the word business? Fuck it. "So mind your own business.”

“I've always assumed he'd be around to be, you know, yelled at and taken for granted. And of course I was wrong. Nobody's going to put up with that forever.”

“I swore we'd never be together, but—''Your inner whore would not be denied.' she finished.”

“Honestly. Do guys really think that will fool us? 'Whoa, hi there, John. Gosh, for a second there I thought you were going bald, but I see now that you have a full, lush head of hair. Which grows sideways from left to right in sticky strands. Have I ever been this sexually excited? I think not.”

“My my Laura Goodman. I must say that is a charming name for a charming young lady.""Eric's old." I broke in. "Really really old.""Er— really?" Laura asked. "Gosh you don't look even out of your thirties." "Tons of face-lifts. He's a surgical addict. I'm trying to get him help." I added defensively when they both gave me strange looks.”

“George you were very very bad to run away from Alice. Very bad But you were very good to stomp Sinclair when he was being a dick so I think we'll call this a wash.”

“Have you lost your teeny tiny mind, you too-tall, too-skinny, too-crazy jerk?”“Oh, look who’s talking, Miss Let’s Blunder Around the Time Stream and Hang the Consequences! Thanks to you, we’ve got a dead Marc and alive Marc in the same timeline . . . in the same house! Thanks to you, I got chomped on by a dim, blonde, undead, selfish, whorish, blood-suckingleech when I was minding my own business in the past.”“Don’t you call me dim!”“Um. Everyone. Perhaps we should—” Tina began.“Wait, when did this happen?” Marc asked. He had the look of a man desperately trying to buy a vowel. “Past, an hour ago? Past, last year? Helpme out.”“Oh, biiiiig surprise!” Laura threw her (perfectly manicured) hands in the air. “Let me guess, you were soooo busy banging your dead husbandthat you haven’t had time to tell anybody anything.”“I was getting to it,” I whined.“Then after not telling anyone anything and not being proactive—or even active!—you grow up to destroy the world and bring about eternalnuclear winter or whatever the heck that was and how do you deal with your foreknowledge of terrible events to come? Have sex!”“An affirmation of life?” Sinclair suggested. Never, I repeat, never had I loved him more. I was torn between slugging my sister and blowing myhusband. Hmm. Laura might have a point about my priorities . . . but jeez. Look at him. Yum.“—even do it and what do you have to say for yourself? Huh?”“You’re just uptight, repressed, smug, antisex, and jealous, you Antichristing morally superior, fundamentally evil bitch.”Laura and Marc gasped. My husband groaned.”

“You do not go near them. You do not allow them to touch you. If one does touch you, I will eat his spine." "It's good," she commented, "that we're establishing rules. For instance, being a newcomer here, I might not understand the whole 'don't touch or be devoured' guideline..."-Prince Maltese and Lt. Anne”

“Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink.”

“I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me.”

“Back off, boys. You don't want to mess with an out-of-work secretary. We're real testy.”

“Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers?”

“You know, they did let you have that room,” I said. “In fact, I think they’re assuming you’ll use it, as opposed to lingering in strange hallways.”She responded to me with, “Girl, I am bored outta my tits.”“Can we have one cross-country quest without talking about your tits?”Her pretty dark eyes went narrow and thoughtful, and she caressed her cheek with a long fingernail colored jack-o’-lantern orange. After a thoughtful pause, she shook her head. “I don’tsee how.”“I figured.”