Meg Cabot

“Sleepy pulled the car to a stop in front of this paved entranceway, which was flanked on either side by these enormous palm trees, kind of like the Polynesian Resort at Disney World. In fact, the whole place had kind of a Disney feel to it. You know, really big, and kind of modern and fake.”

“My shoulders sagged. Really, is it too much to ask that I be able to come home from a long day of work and relax? Oh, no. I have to come home and read a bunch of letters written to the love of my life by his fiancée, who, if I am correct, had him killed a hundred and fifty years ago.Then, as if that is not bad enough, he wants me to explain the Vietnam War.”

“And then, little by little, the reality of what I had just done sank in: I had just killed my boyfriend’s dad!”

“It's what's known as an origin myth. What happened to me? That's no myth.”

“Suze, your whole life," my dad went on, not without sympathy, "you've always made the right decisions. Not necessarily the easiest ones. The right ones. Don't mess that up now, when you're facing what's probably the most important decision you'll ever have to make.”

“[...] even in the cruelest human being there can exist a flower of good. Maybe just the tiniest blossom, in need of water and sunlight, but a flower just the same.”

“Cursed?" I offered, my voice croaky because of my unshed tears."It isn't cursed." John said deliberately, rearranging the chain around my neck, "if you're wearing it. It's blessed.”

“This is exactly why Patrick and I chose not to have children." he muttered. "So we would never have to have conversations like this. Andy yet...here I am?""If you could answer the question," I said as politely as I could, "that would be great. I really don't want to have a freaky demon baby, and I can't imagine John wants one, either”

“even if vampires were stupid. Especially American vampires. They hung out in places Alaric himself would never have gone, especially if he were immortal. Such as high schools. And Walmart.”

“Did you see him? I know the photo was grainy, but he looks like one of those death metal goth heads, or whatever they’re called. All dressed in black with long hairI took umbrage at my mother describing my boyfriend this way. John was the Lord of the Underworld. How else was he supposed to dress?”

“Sometimes in life, you fall down holes you can't climb out of by yourself. That's what friends and family are for-to help. They can't help, however, unless you let them know you're down there.”

“What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave so make it short. -- Mitch Hertzog's voice mail message.”

“I said, "Jesse, don't flatter yourself that I did this for you. I mean, it has been nothing but one giant pain in the neck, having you for a roommate. Do you think I like having to come home from school or from work or whatever and having to explain stuff like the Bay of Pigs to you? Believe me, life with you is no picnic."He didn't say anything. He just kept pulling me along."Or what about Tad?" I said, bringing up what I knew was a sore subject. "I mean, you think I like having you tag along on my dates? Having you out of my life is going to make things a lot simpler, so don't think, you know, I did this for you. I only did it because that stupid cat of yours has been crying its head off. And also because anything I can do to make your stupid girlfriend mad, I will.""Nombre de Dios, Susannah," Jesse muttered. "Maria's not my girlfriend.""Well, she certainly used to be," I said. "And what about that, anyway? That girl is a full-on skank, Jesse. I can't believe you ever agreed to marry her. I mean, what were you thinking, anyway? Couldn't you see what she was like underneath all that lace?”

“Didn't you," he asked, "have meexorcised?""Me?" My own voice rocketed up about ten octaves. "Me? Jesse, of course not. I would never do that. I mean, you know I would never do something like that. That kid Jack did it. Your girlfriend Maria made him do it. She was trying to get rid of you. She told Jack you were bothering me, and he didn't know any better, so he exorcised you, and then Felix Diego threw me off the porch roof, and Jesse, they found your body, I mean your bones, and I saw them and I threw up all over the side of the house, and Spike really misses you and I was just thinking, you know, if you wanted to come back, you could, because that's why I've got this rope, so we can find our way back.”

“You know," I said, holding my ground. "I gotta tell you. The goatee thing? Yeah, way over. And you know a little jewelry really does go a long way. Just something you might want to consider. I'm actually glad you stopped by, because I have a couple things I've been meaning to say to you. Number one,about your wife? Yeah, she's a skank. And number two, you know that whole thing where you killed Jesse and then buried his remains out back there? Yeah, way un-cool.”

“Kill her for me," she said in that whiny little-girl voice.Diego took a step toward me, wearing an expression that told me he was only too happy to oblige his lady love."Oh, what?" I said. I wasn't even scared. I didn't care anymore. The numbness in my heart had pretty much taken over my whole body. "You always do what she tells you? You know, we have a word for that now. It's called being whipped.”

“Well, I guess slave-runners aren't really my cup of tea. That is who you married instead, right? A slave-runner. Your father must have been so proud."That wiped the grin right off her face."You leave my father out of this," she snarled."Oh, why?" I asked. "Tell me something, is he sore at you? Your dad, I mean. You know, for having Jesse killed? Because I imagine he would be. I mean, basically, thanks to you, the de Silva family line ran out. And your kids with that Diego dude turned out to be, as we've already discussed, major losers. I bet whenever you run into your dad out there, you know, on the spiritual plane, he doesn't even say hi anymore, does he? That's gotta hurt."I'm not sure how much of that, if any, Maria actually understood. Still, she seemed plenty mad.”

“I snatched the paper away from Dopey."Hey," he yelled. "I was reading that!""Let somebody who can pronounce all the big words have a try," I said.”

“Hey," Dopey said when I was finished reading. "How come they never mentioned me? I'm the one who found the skeleton.""Oh, yeah," Sleepy said in disgust. "Your role was really crucial. After all, if it wasn't for you, the guy'sskull might still have been intact.”

“Look, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I said no because the whole thing would just be tooDirty Dancing , right? Summer fling at the resort, only with the roles reversed: you know, the poorworking girl and the rich doctor's son, nobody puts Baby in the corner, blah blah blah. That kind of thing.”

“Well, hi, CeeCee," I said. "Hi, Adam. Nice of you two to drop by. Ever heard of knocking?""Oh, please," CeeCee said. "Why? Because we might interrupt you and your precious Jesse?"Jesse, upon hearing this, raised his eyebrows. Way up.”

“Adam gave me a scandalized look. "Fraternizing with the enemy!" he cried. "For shame, wench!”

“Jesse, this is Craig. Craig, Jesse. You two should get along. Jesse's dead,too.”

“Are you a pirate?”

“Diet Coke does not contain nasty chemicals. It contains lovely and delicious carbonation, caffeine, and aspartame. What's unnatural about that?”

“Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

“Life isn't a romance novel. The truth is, the reason romance novels sell so well ---- the reason why everyone loves them ---- is because no one's life is actually like that. Everyone WANTS their life to be like that.”

“I just got a fortune cookie that says "Turn off your computer and read a book" which is odd because I'm WRITING a book...on my computer!”

“If the guy likes/loves you, he won't care if you are a good kisser or not.He should like you for what you are - not how you kiss.”

“...men aren't in touch with their emotions, and don't share enough [?]”

“I usually know almost exactly how I feel. The problem is, I just can't tell anyone.”

“So take my advice: whatever you do? Don’t blink”

“To achieve self actualization, do good things for other people that you would want to be done onto yourself”

“You know", Grandma says, "you could learn a lot from Dr.Quinn. She knows how to make soap from a sheep's guts. And she had twins when she was fifty. Fifty!”

“It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?”

“I love the Princess Diaries series! Do you?”

“And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.”

“And eternity is a long time. So if you have to spend it with someone I could see wanting to spend it with someone impossible...but interesting....”

“The first thing we did was change all the clocks so that her siblings thought it was bedtime, then put them to bed ignoring their plaintive protests that they were not tired. They wept themselves to sleep soon enough.”

“And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.”

“What's the point? was my attitude. We're all just going to die and then NOT be let on the boat.”

“Did you let him know that if he can't see fit to return your blow job immediately, you will have no choice but to sue?”

“They say it’s always darkest until right before the dawn. I’ve worked on enough projects to know how true this saying really is.”

“Foxy girls know that silence may be golden-but only for four seconds. Anything longer and you're heading for Awkward Avenue.”

“every seven miles, in America, there is at least one McDonald's. Not a hospital, mind you, or a police station, but a McDonald's, every seven miles. I mean, that's sort of scary, if you think about it.”

“You can’t be friends with someone who’s in love with you if you don’t love that person back the same way…”

“Who-who are you?" Seth asked, hesitantly."Wh-what do you want?" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times. "I'm Luke Skywalker," I said. "I'm here to rescue you.”

“He is the dark prince. The all-powerful one. The leader of the creatures of the night." Then Meena said, "I'm confused then. I thought the prince of darkness was the devil."[......]"Wait," Meena said, blinking. " Are you saying.....""Yes," Alaric said. "That is exactly what I'm saying."Jon looked blank. "I don't understand. Is he the devil or not?""Lucien Antonescu," Alaric said. "is a vampire. Not just any vampire, but the ruler of all vampires.”

“It's simple, really," Alaric Wulf said. " Lucien Antonescu is the prince of darkness." Jon nodded. "Yeah," he said. "We know. He's got a castle and stuff.”

“One of the many advantages of having a boyfriend who is half French is that his culinary repertoire extends beyond mac and cheese. Plus, there’s the kissing.”