Megan McCafferty

“I read your poem," I croaked. "'Fall.'"Then something I never thought would happen, happened: Marcus Flutie was shocked by something I said."You did?" he said. "I thought you lost it!""Well someone found it for me. Where do you get off saying," I lowered my voice, "we'll be naked without shame in paradise?"He didn't open his mouth."I know what that means, you know. Who do you think I am?"He didn't open his mouth."We are never going to be naked without shame in paradise."He didn't open his mouth."We're NEVER going to have sex," I whispered, clearly over-stating my case.He didn't open his mouth. The mouth that used to bite mine."And I'm just going to forget about that biting thing from the other night," I said.He looked at me right in the eyes. If he'd focused hard enough on my pupils, he could've seen his own reflection, his own face smirking at me."You couldn't forget if you tried," he said, before walking away.He's right. And I don't know if I hate him or love him for that.”

“Humans find meaningfulness where none exists because we want to create a sense of order in this chaotic universe. It's called apophenia. (And it's also the reason people believe in God.)”

“As much as I don't care about those things, I think it's human nature to not want to feel totally insignificant.”

“Perspective basically guarantees that there’s no such thing as a pure emotion. Every emotion is based on how sucky (or not) something is in relation to something else that has already happened. I realized that Hy and Marcus and my ankle wouldn’t be so huge if I had experienced a Hiroshima-size disaster.It kind of makes me wish that the worst thing that will ever happen to me will just hurry up and happen already. That way I could live the rest of my life in bliss, if only because Iknow how much worse things could be.”

“In choosing to be a Psychology major, I decided to learn for the joy of learning for the first time in my life. I'd always been fascinated by human nature. What makes us act the way we do? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over? But I guess my interest is purely theoretical. I'm a Psychology majorwho has no desire to work with people. This was poor planning on my part, I suppose. My parents definitely think so. But choosing passion over practicality seemed so honorable when I was a first-year student and graduation seemed so very, very far away . . .But now, a semester away from unemployment, I realize how much better off those Engineering students really are. Sure, they're boring conversationalists that make you want to kill yourself because every story begins, “The other day? In the lab?” But people become a whole helluva lot more interesting when they're pulling down six figures, don't they? If I'm going to drag my friends out to my cardboard box, the pressure's on to provide some pretty goddamned sparkling conversation once they get there. And even with all my noble knowledge for knowledge's sake, I'm not sure I can.”

“I need to be more in the moment, like when I was wet and wild in the waves. Being in the moment—right now!—equals freedom. It can't be scrutinized, analyzed, rhapsodized, mythologized. Itcan't be desecrated, debated, prognosticated. Right now can only be lived. Isn't this the same message Itried to get across to the kiddies in the lecture that got me fired? Isn't this the same advice Gladdie gave me right before she died?Why is it that the most fundamental life lesson—LIVE!—is the one I continually forget to put into practice?”

“Well, I think it's possible to love someone and still be curious about someone else. And I think you should be able to act on that impulse without impunity. But in our society, where monogamy rules despite all the evidence that it doesn't work, a person is demonized for wanting to break from that traditional model of relationships. I think you can love someone, truly love someone, and still be drawn to someoneelse. Enough to want to kiss that other person, just to see what it would be like. Or maybe to help confirm that what you've got is better than what else is out there. Because isn't the desire alone a form of betrayal? So what further harm does it do to put those thoughts into action? Ideally, you would be able just to go back to the person you love after you've kissed that other person and discovered it wasn't asinteresting as you thought it would be, which I would imagine would be the case most of the time. And in the event that itis unexpectedly amazing, isn't it better to have experienced that moment of bliss rather than imagine what it could have been like?”

“I may feel like a social outcast but im not really one. I think im an outcast inasmuch as I want to be left alone by people I cant stand which isn't really the same thing as true social ostracization now is it?”

“We’re your friends,” said Bridget.“And we’re worried about you,”said Pepe.“I’m fine.” Then I mean to laugh a silly, carefree kind of laugh, but it came out more maniacal than intended. “HAH-hee-hee-hah-hah-HAH!”Bridget and Pepe exchanged terrified looks.”

“In theory, you’re supposed to geteveryone’s names and become lifelong friends. I literally had contact with half the kidshere last night, but how in hell do they expect me to differentiate one of my butt-to-buttdancing partners from another? Am I supposed to randomly rub my buttocks up againstpeople to see if we’ve bonded booties before? “Yes, the particular musculature of yourass does feel familiar. 1 remember you now!” Duh.”

“Dear Hope, I NEVER thought Id see the day when two of your daily e-mails sandwiched a message from none other than PAUL PARLIPIANO. My crush to end all crushes! Gay man of my dreams! OOOH!”

“Ever notice how people wait until they're not going to see you anymore to say something nice to you?”

“I didn't know anything about anything. And the only difference between then and now is this: I may know more than I used to, but my wisdom pales in comparison to that which I've yet to learn.”

“Women will always choose the man over the best friend. This is a sad but true fact of life, and it's only this certitude that makes me unashamed to admit it.”

“I do believe the shotguns helped them accept this reality sooner than they might have otherwise.”

“Unless Spelling Bee bitches exist, this makes her the geekiest kind of groupie on e can possibly be.”

“This confirms it: I am living with Beavis and sluthead.”

“You can only really really hurt the ones that you really really love.”

“Most of my friends from Columbia are going on to get advanced degrees. And why not? A Ph.D. is the new M.A., a master's is the new bachelor's, a B.A. is the new high school diploma, and a high school diploma is the new smiley-face sticker on your first-grade spelling test.”

“Jessica..." The sound of his voice saying my name soothed me, and it's all I wanted to hear him say. Just my name, over and over and over again in his buttery baritone. I wanted my name to be his mantra, the word he meditated on, his tool for finding calm in the world.But he kept on talking.”

“He always loved her because of, not in sprite of, her flaws.”

“(Parentheses speakMore than we dare say out loudWhy, oh, why is that?)”

“We just want to be where we're supposed to be. We just want to be with the people we want to be with. I don't think that's asking for too much, ya know what I'm saying?”

“Zen: 'I kinda went about it all wrong last night, didn't I?Melody: 'Kinda? It was a total fustercluck.'”

“HOLY MOTHER. WAS THAT A FACE?”

“I took comfort in doing without because I knew it was all for the greater good. We all made great sacrifices, none more so than those boys who lost their lives. Tragedy was part of our daily routine. But through it all, I never understood the point of being sad when I could choose to be happy.”

“All this girl-on-girl hate is exhausting. Sometimes I wish we could dose on testosterone, punch each other in the face, and get it over with already.”

“I am fluent in snark.Bethany only notices snark when snark grabs her off the sidewalk, throws her in the back of a sketchy van with tinted windows, drives to the middle of the Meadow-lands in the dead of night, and uses a heavy blunt instrumentto smack her repeatedly about the head as it screams, “I’M SNARK. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I’M SNARKY SNARKY SNARK!” And even then she’s like, “Ohhhh? Snark? Is that you?”

“Don't talk to strangers. Don't do drugs. Don't smoke. Don't drink and drive. Don't have sex. Wear a condom. Wear sunblock. Wear a seat belt. Wear a helmet. If you see something, say something. Just say no. Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, look, and listen. Look both ways before you cross the street...Safety is an illusion. Bad things can happen to anyone at any time, whether you follow the rules or not. You can check left, check right, check left again before you step off the curb and into the crosswalk, but that won't stop an anonymous asshole in his shitty pickup from putting you in intensive care...”

“Whaddaya want?" growled Viola, our small, surly, octogenarian waitress.What did I want? A job. A clue. A love."Two coffees," Len answered for me.Coffee would do for now, I guess.”

“I knew, deep down, that love, though a beautiful beginning, isn't enough. It's the practice of honoring and caring for another that's noble, not the emotion of love itself. The emotion is the easy part.”

“We're all people", he said simply. "It doesn't matter if you're two, thirty-two, or ninety-two. Everyone wants to be treated with respect. Everyone wants to feel like they matter in this world.”

“I love when I reach Marcus on the phone and as he says hello, I can hear the music he's listening to in the background. That music is the sound of him without me. How he surrounds himself when I'm not there, which is almost all the time.”

“...he makes me feel out of control and out of my head. He is exhilarating and terrifying. I see and feel him everywhere, and I'm always grasping for equilibrium even when he's not there... I feel like I'm always falling in love, falling and falling and falling.”

“Love," he said, "has the longest arms.”

“I pray that it will be different when they're our age. I pray for a cure to the Virus so they can choose not to share their bodies before they're ready. I pray that they will have the power to choose when and how they will marry, make love, make babies. And I pray that they will not be judged if they choose not to do those things in the "right" order....My sister and I close our eyes. We dream of a better world. We imagine what we can - and will - do to make it possible.”

“I don't know if she's making the right choice, but it's not my choice to make. I promise to support her, whatever she decides. Because that's what sisters do.”

“I've been told my whole life that I've got all the power. But it's only now that I'm beginning to believe it. My days of selling junk food and perfume are over. If the world is going to listen to me, I better start saying things that are worth hearing.”

“Fortunately for me, I'm still evolving into the person I'm supposed to be. And though they don't know it yet, and may not come to accept it, I'm done living by their protocols or anyone else's. I'm the only one who will take credit for my successes. And I'm the only one who will take the blame for my mistakes. From now on, I live for me.”

“High school parties exhausted me because I always felt like I was the only thinking person in a room mostly full of morons obliterating precious IQ points with every gulp of whatever booze they managed to steal out of their parents' liquor cabinets. College parties are exhausting in a diametrically opposite way. They are full of smart, funny people who are all used to being the smartest, funniest person in the room, so they spend the whole party talking over one another, overlapping and overtaking the conversation to prove that they are the smartest, funniest person in the room, if not the entire planet.”

“Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.”

“I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.”

“Marcus Flutie slept with just about every girl on the Eastern Seaboard except me. Though, he tried to get into my panties when I was a freshman but turned him down because I refuse to disempower myself just for a few clit twitches.”

“But I can’t help myself. And there he is, larger thanlife on the screen, looking every bit as tortured and handsomeas he did the last time he tried to contact me a fewweeks ago. (Harmony/Jondoe)”

“As our options expand, so do our desires - and unmet desires in particular.”

“Where's my syllabus to guide me through life?”

“Love may have the longest arms, but it can still fall short of an embrace.”

“Even with the best intentions, growing apart might just be an inevitable part of growing up.”

“My thoughts create my world.”

“What are your thoughts?''My thoughts?' I replied, before I even realized what I was saying. 'My thoughts created my world.'Mac sat up in his seat. He scrunched his curls with his hands, perplexed. 'Who said that?'I told him the truth. 'Oh, just someone I used to know,' I said, stroking the naked skin on my middle finger.”