Megan McCafferty

“Why is it that the most fundamental life lesson—LIVE!—is the only one I continually forget to put into practice?”

“I heard that he had all these pictures of you . . .''Well, I heard you flunked out of school.”

“And to think I survived this deadly workload, only to be murdered by the sight of my parents' bare asses, a tragedy that gives a whole new meaning to the word assassination.”

“That's what all love comes down to, doesn't it? We help others only as much as they let us.”

“Unfortunately for you, Scotty,' I said, removing his hand, 'they don't serve a drink called the Idiotfucker.”

“My mother, of course, had a different opinion. 'They're driving me crazy!' she said, swatting at them with her beige Coach handbag. 'How can you tell?' my dad asked. 'Between your menopause craziness and your turning fifty craziness and everything else?''Forty-eight!' my mom cried. Dad groaned. 'Have you forgotten who you're lying to?”

“You called me a natural con artist and asked me what other secrets I was hiding. I didn't answer because I already knew, in some deep, primal way, what furtive truth you were referring to: That I was destined to fall in love with you.”

“So much of courtship is the unspoken.”

“Oh, did I mention that he's Spanish, as in from Spain, and that he occasionally slips into his native tongue? (Add your own sexual innuendo here. It's just too easy for me. Really.) He's from Madrid but has lived here for more than a decade, long enough to master English, but without flattening his Castilian quirks. Who knew a lispy accent could be so manly? So damn sexy? I hear those "ths" clinging to his tongue and go loco.”

“Why do you even put up with me?''I'm not putting up with you,' he said, softly. 'I'm loving you.”

“But why would it matter? We aren't ... or...uh...weren't ..." Which is it, Jess? "Aren't" or "weren't"? Present or past tense? Now or then? "We haven't been talking to each other." Past imperfect tense. How appropriate.”

“Manda and Sara are annoying because their whole belief system is in opposition to my own. They live by a Grand Theft Auto morality, by which lying, whoring, and stealing scores innumerable points.”

“Then again maybe there's something that I've been doing in the privacy of my own bedroom my whole life that I think is perfectly normal but is actually illegal in thirty-two states.”

“We've still got a long haul ahead of is and I don't want to damn her rift away with my first, second, and third impressions, as my character analyses are usually for shit.”

“Call me Mac," he said.Mackadocious is more like it."For the next month, I will be your writing instructor..." Lip Macking Good. "It was Alfred, Lord Tennyson, who said, 'Words, like Nature, half reveal and half conceal the Soul within...'" Big Mac Attack."Here, in the next five weeks, I hope you do more revealing than concealing..."Oh, I'll reveal more than that if you want me to, Mac Daddy.”

“Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with purehearts”

“I can let my true self shine in front of God.”

“Prayers are answered in one of four ways,” she said. “Yes. No. I havesomething else in mind. And . . .”She paused long enough for my impatience to show. “And what’s thefourth answer?”“Wait,” she said.”

“Oh, yeah,' she said. 'He likes your brain, J.D., but he ain't attracted to you, which is a cryin' shame, if you don't mind me sayin' so.'No. How could I mind the truth? It was a cryin' shame, and my tears almost dripped right into my stuffing.”

“See, my idea of cute comes with an IQ requirement. It's geeky cute. It's Rivers Cuomo, not Justin Timberlake. It's Gideon Yago, not Brian Mcfayden. Jimmy Fallon, yes please! Brad Pitt, no thank you.”

“I had already imagined how it would be next year.I'd be at Columbia, and Marcus would move to Manhattan, or maybe one of the outer boroughs. I would study hard, and he would make money playing gigs at dingy bars. We'd spend countless hours going to clubs to see bands on the verge, touring obscure art exhibits, and sipping pot after pot of black coffee at hole-in-the-wall cafes. Many more hours would be spent lounging under the covers. We would never run out of witty and fascinating things to say to each other. Eventually, he'd apply to Columbia, and we'd be the sort of well-educated, cosmopolitan couple that confuse the suburbumpkins who never leave Pineville.”

“Brandi is mean skinny, that kind that doesn't come naturally and makes her face look all hallow and scary.”

“She mailed me a Merry Christmas-I'm-Breaking-Up-with-You card. I'll read it to you," he said. He cleared his throat. "Dear Marcus. Merry Christmas. I'm breaking up with you. Mia.”

“This is my new hobby. I watch my life depart minute by minute. I anticipate the end of everything and anything -- a conversation, a class, track practice, darkness -- only to be left with more clock-watching to take its place. I'm continually waiting for something better that never comes. Maybe it would help if I knew what I wanted.”

“When you say too much about anything important, it always ends up sounding more trivial than it is. Words trash it.”

“The minute our correspondence becomes obligatory, there's no point in keeping touch at all.”

“chromosomal danceoh, heavenly happenstancerare creation, you-Marcus (Poetry Spam #22)”

“Hornergy' is Zen's term for the indomitable athletic edge powered by sexual restraint. The basketball, baseball and football teams haven't had a winning season in years. The table-tennis team, however, is undefeated.”

“Where are you in your cycle? Oh, WHO CARES? Let's get you two BUMPING right away. We don't want another trimester to go by with a FLAT TUMMY. And not to put any pressure on you or anything, but it would be just BREEDY if you could deliver the goods by next March.”

“They predicted sixteen years ago, almost before anyone else, that girls like me - prettier, smarter, healthier - would be the world's most invaluable resource. And like any rare commodity in an unregulated marketplace, prices for our services would skyrocket. It wasn't about the money, really, not at first. It was about status. Who had it, and who didn't. And my parents did everything in their power to make sure I had it.”

“It kind of makes me wish that the worst thing that will ever happen to me would just hurry up and happen already. That way I could live the rest of my life in bliss, if only because I know how much worse things could be.”

“Words can be used as a bomb or balm.”

“I know. It's shocking to think that the government would try to stick its nose in our ladyparts.”

“He's got a pointy bald head, and too much flesh hanging around his neck. The resulting combination gives him an unlikely yet striking resemblance to an uncircumcised penis. I secretly call him Rumpelforeskin.”

“Faith is accepting what makes no sense, what we cannot prove, but know down deep in our souls is real.”

“It's human nay-cha...For me to sperminay-cha.”

“I'm in crisis. I'm about to bump with a five-foot chino-chicano.”

“furious flutterawakened hummingbird hearthello hello love”

“I wish our love was right now.”

“What I envy most about you and everyone else heading back to school is the certainty of it all. You’ve got a prescribed set of requirements to guide you through the next few years. Focus your energy on the completion of those assignments and you’ll succeed. Guaranteed. Where’s my syllabus to guide me through life?”

“I’m living with K-Fed’s retarded half brotha/sista.”

“Then a lightning bolt shot straight through my skivvies. Sha-ZAM!”

“It just makes me wonder what subject you blame for talking to me every night.'I'm still settling on an answer for that one. Probably Chemistry.Jesus Christ. I can't believe I just wrote that.”

“Gone for a whileHoping, always, to returnIf you will let me”

“I believe that what we get out of life is what we've set ourselves up to get, so there's no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we've made along the way, which is why it's imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don't let anyone else's noise drown it out.”

“I'VE LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT YOU.THE BEST YOU CAN DO IN LIFE IS NOT PISS YOURSELFOFF.”

“You gotta take chances in this life or you're alreadydead.”

“It's so much easier to convince yourself you're madly in love with someone when you know nothing about him.”

“Fear is the greatest form of oppression. The best way to rise up in protest is to live your life toits fullest!”

“Don't stop doing what you love.Don't let your future be ruined by a bunch of loony sand monkeys.”