Melissa Kantor

“I'm sorry, I got you all snotty and wet.”

“...[W]hen I told my dad why I was calling, he just said, 'Honey, you're so beautiful it doesn't matter what you wear.' I wondered how many dads in America were, at that very moment, giving their daughters the same useless advice mine was giving me.”

“Even though we'd never met, imagining being dumped by Gene made me want to die. What was the point of going out with someone? What was the point of falling in love? The whole thing was enough to make me wish I'd been born in one of those countries where they still have arranged marriages. I mean, okay, yes, it would certainly suck not being allowed to drive or vote and having to ask a man's permission to leave the house.But at least you wouldn't have to worry about being dumped.”

“Nothing.That's what happens to the stepmother in Cinderella.Nothing.”

“Apparently being Cinderella isn't so bad after all.”

“After all, what did Prince Charming know about Cinderella besides her shoe size?”

“Why is it I can spend a dozen Friday nights staring at the peeling walls of my "room" without anyone in the family so much as poking a head down to see if I'm alive, while the one time I actually have plans (major plans, plans that necessitate extraordinary focus and massive preparation), my stepmother suddenly suggests we sing a duet of "Getting to Know You"?”

“Prince Charming was requesting my presence tonight.”

“People never think things that are true are funny.”

“Because if I have a wicked stepmother and two evil stepsisters, aren't I supposed to get a prince?”

“You were sleeping?" said Princess One."No," I said. "Sometimes I just like to lie in the dark for hours with my eyes closed.”

“Apparently, he was too busy living his own life to be a character in the imaginary novel that was mine.”

“Be honest, Do I give off a vibe that says 'No, handsome stud, I don't want you to make a pass at me,' while at the same time communicating, 'Hello there, acne-ridden dwarf. Promise me we'll meet again.”

“Apparently, he was too bust living his own life to be a character in the imaginary novel that was mine.”

“Life would be so much simpler if guys were like mood rings, and they changed color when they liked you.”