“Why is it I can spend a dozen Friday nights staring at the peeling walls of my "room" without anyone in the family so much as poking a head down to see if I'm alive, while the one time I actually have plans (major plans, plans that necessitate extraordinary focus and massive preparation), my stepmother suddenly suggests we sing a duet of "Getting to Know You"?”

“Because if I have a wicked stepmother and two evil stepsisters, aren't I supposed to get a prince?”

“Nothing.That's what happens to the stepmother in Cinderella.Nothing.”

“...[W]hen I told my dad why I was calling, he just said, 'Honey, you're so beautiful it doesn't matter what you wear.' I wondered how many dads in America were, at that very moment, giving their daughters the same useless advice mine was giving me.”

“You were sleeping?" said Princess One."No," I said. "Sometimes I just like to lie in the dark for hours with my eyes closed.”

“Be honest, Do I give off a vibe that says 'No, handsome stud, I don't want you to make a pass at me,' while at the same time communicating, 'Hello there, acne-ridden dwarf. Promise me we'll meet again.”

“I'm sorry, I got you all snotty and wet.”