Michelle Hodkin

“Lolita,” he said, turning my book over in his hands. His eyes widened over the pink-lipped mouth on the cover, then handed it to me. Our fingers brushed, and a warm current coursed through them. My heart thundered so loud he could probably hear it.“So,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “You’re a smuthound with daddy issues?” The corner of his mouth turned up in a slow, condescending smile.I wanted to smack it off his face. “Well, you’re quoting it. And incorrectly, by the way. So what does that make you?”His half-smile morphed into a whole grin. “Oh, I’m definitely a smuthound with daddy issues.”

“There's some fuckery afoot.”

“He shrugged. “I have a stomach thing. Don’t get close.”“Well, now you’ve spoiled everything,” I said casually, working hard to fake it. “I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet.” I pointed. “Right there.”A joyless smile appeared on Jamie’s lips. “We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned lovetriangle.”That’s my Jamie.”

“I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses.”

“Do not find peace. Find passion.”

“If I were to live a thousand lives, I would want to make you mine in each one of them.”

“Yes!” He wrapped both arms around me, but when I tried to do the same he jumped away. “Watch the suit,” he said, glaring. Oh, boy.”

“what if they make me stay? To keep me safe?”“I wouldn’t, if I were them.”“What do you mean?”“Any minute now . . .”Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears.“What did you do?” I said over the noise as he backed up toward the bathroom door.“The girl who gave you the note?”“Yes . . .”“I caught her staring at my lighter.”I blinked. “You gave a child, in a psych ward, a lighter.”

“I rested my head on my arms and sighed dramatically. "What's up?" she asked"Why are boys so annoying?" she chuckled."You know what my mother used to say?" I shook my head still in position "Boys are stupid and girls are trouble" truer words were never spoken.”

“I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, “Are you goingto point, or are you going to eat?”“I just like to know what I’m putting in my mouth before I swallow.”Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”

“So, what are you doing with my little sister today?” Daniel asked. I closed my eyes in defeat.“I’m afraid I can’t ruin the surprise,” Noah said. “But I promise I’ll return her intact.”He did not just say that. Daniel cackled”

“You never know what another person stands to gain or lose by anything”

“Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.”

“And that for every negative event or coincidence that has happened since, imagining that you triggered them, that you made them happen makes you feel like you possess a degree of control that you don't have.”

“We are far too screwed up for a goddamned love triangle.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Jamal Feldstein-Roth.”I blinked. “Wait, Jamal?”“Suck it,” he said with a grin. “My parents are liberal Jews from Long Island, okay? They wanted me to have a connection to my heritage.” Jamie made air quotes with his fingers. “I’m not judging—my middle name is Amitra. I’m just surprised.”“Amitra,” Noah amused. “Mystery solved.”“What is that?” Jamie asked me.“Sanskrit? Hindi?” I shrugged.“Randomly?”I shook my head. “My mom’s Indian.”“What does that mean?” Jamie asked me.“What does Jamal mean?” I asked him.“Point taken.”

“It doesn't matter", he murmured against my skin. His fingers traced the cuts, healing the veins beneath them. "There's only one thing that does.""What?" I whispered. He looked at me through his long,, dark lashes, with my hands still in his. "Killing Jude.”

“Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. Forever.”

“I'd rather he not know the depths of my crazy.”

“Having everyone stare and wonder what sort of hijinks your vagina's been up to isn't as thrilling as one might imagine.”

“I'm not making you hate me. I'm making you love me.”

“There," he said as he finished tying the laces on my left show. "Now you won't fall.Too late.”

“Is there any point in asking what you're going to do to me?"He grinned wickedly. "Not really."Fabulous."Does it involve the use of a safe word?""That will depend entirely on you.”

“He looked down at me, all sincere and open and with that chaos hair in his eyes and I wanted and didn't want and I had to say something.”

“She stands unrecognized by them and unconscious herself of her fantastic power.”

“A current traveled from my fingertips through to the hollow where my stomach used to be. And just like that, I was completely, utterly, and entirely.”

“You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.”

“Go away. I'm smelly. And you bother me enormously.”

“And I so badly needed to self-destruct.”

“I so badly needed to self-destruct.”

“Boys are stupid and girls are trouble.”Truer words were never spoken.”

“I knew Noah worshipped Charlie Parker and that his toothbrush was green. That he wouldn't bother to button his shirts correctly but always made his bed. That when he slept he curled into himself and that his eyes were the color of the clouds before it rained, and I knew he had no problem eating meat but would subtly leave the room if animals started to kill one another on the Discovery Channel. I knew one hundred little things about Noah Shaw but when he kissed me I couldn't remember my own name.”

“Anna used to be the abstinence poster girl, but you could write a comic book about the many adventures of her vagina. It could wear a cape.”

“wanting something does not make it real.”

“It's a long story that involves copious quantities of alcohol and Lolita.”

“Someone always says, 'Kids are mean.' 'Kids will be kids.' Which implies that the kid bullies will grow out of it someday." The muscles in his jaw tightened. His stare was unfocused and far away. "I don't think they do. I think kid bullies turn into adult bullies.”

“Fuck," he murmured against my lips. The feel, the word, sent a hot little shock through my spine. It skittered through my veins, danced through every nerve.”

“I hate that I never managed to persuade you to watch Buffy. It's a flaw in you, Mara.”

“Put a petty criminal in maximum security prison and he'll come out knowing how to rape and pillage.”

“Words have power. And I may be privileged and have a higher IQ than any of our former teachers, but when people look at me? They see a black, male teenager. And there is nothing quite as frightening to some folks as an angry young black man.”

“She said you were an awesome lay, I said, feigning interest in the gush of water that spilled out from the gutter by the lockers. My face would betray me if he saw it.Well, that's true, Noah said.”

“Today, tonight, tommorrow, forever. I was made for you”

“Her sound is a siren's song, calling me to the rocks.”

“Both of us are justifiably disturbed by this development, though it has provided a new avenue of exploration as to why the fuck both of us are so deeply weird.”

“I was falling apart, and all my pieces were scattering to the wind.”

“—Tenemos sólo diecisiete años, —dije en voz baja.—A la mierda los diecisiete años. —Sus ojos y su voz eran desafiantes—. Si tuviera que vivir mil años, te pertenecería en todos ellos. Si tuviéramos que vivir mil vidas, querría hacerte mía en cada una.”

“-No voy a dejar que hagas esto –dije.-No me vas a detener.-Su voz era baja, ahora. Indescriptiblemente sexy. Mis ojos revolotearon cerrándose. –Como el infierno que no lo haré –le susurre-.Podría matarte.- Entonces moriría feliz.- No es gracioso.- No estoy bromeando.Abrí los ojos y me centre en los suyos. –Sería más feliz sin ti –le mentí tan convincentemente como pude.-Es una lastima. –La boca de Noah se curvó en la media sonrisa que yo amaba y odiaba tanto, a pocos centímetros de mi ombligo.Mi cabeza estaba nublada. –Se supone que debes decir. “Todo lo que quiero es tu felicidad. Voy a hacer lo que sea, incluso si eso significa estar sin ti.”- Lo siento –dijo Noah-. No soy tan buena persona. –Sus manos subieron por el costado de los vaqueros, a mi cintura. Las yemas de sus dedos razonaron la piel justo debajo de la tela de mi camisa. Traté de calmar mi pulso y fallé.- Me quieres –dijo Noah simplemente, en definitiva-. No me mientas. Lo puedo escuchar.- Irrelevante –suspiré.”

“Me apresure hacia adelante hasta que otro baño de chicas apareció. Abrí la puerta, planeando dejar a Noah afuera mientras me recomponía.Pero me siguió dentro.Dos chicas menores estaban paradas en el espejo aplicándose brillo labial.- Salgan-Noah les dijo, su voz con aburrimiento. Como si fueran las que no pertenecieran al baño de chicas. Pero no esperaron a que se lo dijeran dos veces. Salieron tan rápido que me habría reído si no estuviera tan impactada.Noah dirigió su mirada a mi, y algo centello detrás de sus ojos - ¿Cuál es tu problema?- pregunto en una voz baja.Lo mire. Se había ido la indiferencia casual. Pero no estaba enojado. O incluso molesto. Más bien…curioso. Su expresión callada era ruinosa.- No tengo un problema- dije confiadamente. Avance, mis ojos estrechándose hacia él-. Estoy libre de problemas.Su cuerpo largo, acentuado por la línea de su camisa no metida y pantalones de corte bajo parecían tan fuera de lugar contra los feos azulejos amarillos. Mi respiración se aceleró. – No soy tu tipo – fui capaz de decir.Entonces Noah dio un paso hacia mí, y una anormal sonrisa burlándose en la esquina de su boca. Demonios. – No tengo un tipo.- Eso es aun peor-dije, y juro que trate de sonar malvada cuando lo dije-. Eres tan sin criterio como dicen.Pero lo quería cerca.- He sido difamado.- Su voz era apenas más que un susurro. Dio otro paso, tan cerca que sentí la caliente aura de su pecho. Miro abajo hacia mí, todo sincero y abierto y con ese caótico cabello en sus ojos como que quería y no quería decir algo.- Lo dudo- fue lo mejor que pude hacer. Su rostro estaba a centímetros del mio. Iba a besarlo, e iba a arrepentirme.Pero en ese momento, no me importaba.”

“Entonces. Idiotas a un lado, ¿como estuvo tu primera semana?Oh, ya sabes. Vi a un chico muerto. Estoy volviéndome loca. Lo mismo de siempre. – No tan mal.”

“I want YOU to be the one wanting me first. Pushing me first. Kissing me first. Don't be careful with me," he said. "Because I won't be careful with you.”