Neil Leckman

“Headstones:What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!""This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide.""OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!!”

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".I have often wondered if I was.”

“I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!!”

“Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!!”

“If I were a candy bar I’d want to be a snicker, because then I’d have the last laugh!!”

“Why is ground round sold in a square package?”

“I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!”

“How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"?”

“If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?”

“You know what they say. "One man's joke is another man's brother”

“Overheard vampire conversation. "Is that Ophelia?""yep""She doesn't look well""Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her.”

“Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?? Who keeps track of those things?”

“I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges soaking up so much water.”

“One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that?”

“This is another one that perplexes me."Would you like your milk in a bag?""No, I think it's fine inside that plastic jug, but thanks for asking first!!”

“You ever drive up to the pharmacy window and they ask you, "Can I have your phone number?"Sure all I get on it anymore are political calls, and people doing polls. Maybe it's difficult for people that work at pharmacy drive up windows to get phones.”

“Wheneve someone asks me, "Did you find everything alright?" I wonder to myself, "Is this a trick question?"Maybe there is something that is not all right, and if I mention it first I get some exotic prizes!!”

“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!”

“I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.”

“I admit I once threw caution to the wind....It doesn't fly well!!”

“I've always been afraid that if I played Sim City I'd just get virtual junk mail for occupant/resident since it is so much like real life!!! It would suck to be invisible in two worlds at once, as always that gives me an interesting story idea. Have to run someone, no doubt a solicitor, is at my door...”

“They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!”

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!”

“How many of you knew what the Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle was? An idea in the book years ago, and now who hasn't heard of a T.A.S.E.R.”

“A great book is a thing of mystery and beauty; it has the power to move you.”

“I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that’s why I like flash fiction, it’s a lot like using a shotgun.”

“If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?”

“While walking with a British coach.Why do you chuckle every time we walk by the theater that is showing "Free Willy"?”

“I like to provide American humor for British soccer coaches when possible. During keeper practice I'll offer to stand behind the goal and shag a few balls!!”

“I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!!”

“They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it.”

“Bad questions at employment interviews:"Is your drug test graded on a curve?”

“Bad answers for employment questions:Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job? "My parole was granted”

“I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!”

“It has been brought to my attention that I may be a verbivore. I consumptor of words, that I subsequently spew forth with considerable consternation.A Volley of verbs that are quite vexing has taken form, perhaps under the guise of consonants most foul!! Where have you wandered faithful vowels?”

“Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!”

“I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't, but is it maintained?”

“I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..”

“Still waiting for them to make reversible diapers, maybe with teflon coating...”

“Vegan Vengeance" - A Vegan teams up with “Carrot Chick", Broccoli Boy" and Paul Potato" to battle meat eaters everywhere. If “Oliver Onion” joins in they may stand a chance of making the enemy cry every time they eat meat!!”

“Sitting in front of my fireplace, basking in it's warm glow gives me time to reflect upon the sacrifices that it has taken for me to enjoy the security of a good home, in a safe environment. I can hear the soft whisper of the snow as it caresses my window and covers the ground outside in a scintillating display of sparkling lights under the full moon. How many times have our service men and women watched this same scene from a foxhole, or camped in some remote part of the world. Thankful for the silence of that moment, knowing it won’t last long. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He/she dresses in fatigues and patrols the world restlessly, ensuring that we can have this peaceful night. Every day they give us the gift of this lifestyle that we enjoy, and every night they watch over us. They are warriors, angels, guardians, friends, brothers, fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers, forming a family that stretches back to the beginning of the country. So tonight when you go to bed say a prayer that God watch over those who watch over us, and thank them for their sacrifices, on and off the battlefield. Pray that they have a peaceful night, and will be home soon with their families who also share their burden. Without them we would not have this moment.”

“Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!!”

“This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map."Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home."See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast."Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath."What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters”

“Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source.”

“They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate?”

“Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!!”

“I'm not sure what they mean by mispent youth, I used mine to get a nice BLT a few years ago.”

“Is it possible to be ticket for going too fast during speed dating?”

“Pharmacy drive-up window:"Could I have your address?""Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!!”