Samantha Young

“A piece of information can change a person. I'd hate to change the way I'm supposed to live the future.”

“Might there come a timeWhen we stand over a graveAnd mourn ourselves?Mourn the past, a previous life?Shall we weep for the passing of time?Shall we grieve for unfulfilled dreams?In my naivety; in my beliefIn immortal youth, I sleep walk through life.Someone... wake me up.Please.Wake me up.”

“In public, you’re Joss Butler. Cool, self-possessed. In bed, you’re Jocelyn Butler—you’re hot, babe. Uncontrolled. Needy. Sweet,” he breathed. “I like that I know that. I don’t like the fact that other men do too.”

“Ellie, I want everything with you.”

“Because reality has no authority there. My imagination controls everything.”

“I was going to up until that last entry. Reading it all just reminded me how much we felt, how much we feel, and how much a part of us it is. It doesn’t belong to anyone else and I guess I don’t want it to.It’s ours. Our history. Our story. And in a way our future too. As much as I love her, you’re right. I can’t give that to Joss. I can’t give these to her. ”

“If you touch her, I’ll make sure you lose all sense of feeling. Permanently,” Adam warned darkly.“What he said,” Braden growled.”

“Once the rain starts falling it’s hard to tell it to stop. I guess it stops in its own time. My tears, like the rain, kept falling as I made my way home through blurry vision. In truth it’s difficult to describe a broken heart. All I know is that unimaginable pain centers in your chest and radiates out, this throbbing, sharp ache that causes almost incapacitation. But there’s more than the ache. Denial lodges itself in your throat, and that lump is its own kind of pain. The affliction of heartbreak can also be found in a knot in your stomach. The knot contracts and expands, contracts and expands, until you’re pretty sure you’re not going to be able to hold down the vomit.”

“Go home, Adam," I replied softly. "We're done."His eyes widened in shock. "Ellie-""I'll pretend for Braden. When we're all together, I'll pretend for Braden that nothing has changed between you and me."I held his gaze, attempting to be strong as I ended us."But whatever this is, it's over. Everything. Don't call me, don't visit... just don't. I don't want you near me when you don't have to be. It hurts too much, and if you care about me even just a little bit, you'll stay away from me.”

“The only person who's ever really hurt me is you. And I keep letting you.""Ellie," he sounded in pain as he took a step toward me.He stopped though, the pain transferring to his eyes when I moved away from him."I do love you," he admitted and instead of feeling joy at those words, the last piece of me holding onto hope crumbled.I shook my head. "But not enough”

“I want you in my bed. Gentlemen are boring in bed.”Good point. “Gentlemen are gentlemen in bed. They make sure you’re having a good time.”“I’ll make sure you’re having a good time, and that you’re okay with everything we’re doing. I just won’t be well-mannered about it.”

“You're like a brother to me. I would never do anything to hurt you. And I know I haven't been what a brother would consider good material for his wee sister, but I love Ellie, Braden. I have for a long time now, and I can't not be with her. I've wasted too much time as it is.”

“He clamped a large hand down on mine as I moved to lift the diaries. I glanced up at him and he shook his head with a small smile. "It's painful to read how my stupidity hurt you at the time, but I like being inside you head. I like knowing that while I was struggling with the fact that I had fallen in love with my best friend's little sister, she loved me back more than I could ever hope to deserve.”

“Els, I don't even know where to start. I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry.""Adam - ""I can't lose you, Els. I can't believe I fucked up like this but you have to forgive me. I can't lose you.”

“I want every piece of you. Even the stuff I missed without even knowing I was missing it.”

“I turned to face him, knowing in him, I'd find the temporary cure. "Do you want to fuck it out?" Braden smiled slowly, bemused, causing another twist of attraction in my gut. "Fuck it out?""All the bullshit. What she did. What he did. Every soulless bitch that wanted something from you"His expression changed immediately, becoming hard, unfathomable, as he took a step towards me. "Are you saying you don't want anything from me?""I want this. I want our arrangement. I want you..." I sucked in a breath, feeling my control slip. "... to fuck it out of me.”

“I can reprint it. And... I was thinking about staying in Virginia permanently after Ellie is back on her feet."The remorse fled quickly. "Over my dead body.""Yeah, I thought you'd say that.”

“Oh so i was right last night then. Unlike me, she has your love.”

“We've only got three months. There's no time for space.”

“Okay, so I want to talk about it. Dammit, how can you be so good at the whole keeping things to yourself thing? It's really hard.”

“Without the weight, there was no rain”

“I liked Christmas and this was Christmassy enough for us. Ellie and Adam’s flat looked like Santa had dropped around for a party, had too much to drink and puked up Christmas everywhere.”

“Jealousy is a horrible thing. The pain of it is almost as consuming as heartbreak, and I would know because I was feeling both at the same time. I felt like someone had ripped open my chest with their bare hands, removed my heart and lungs, and replaced them with a bunch of rocks and stones.”

“when will you quit throwing me around like a ragdoll?”

“why don't I give you a preview of what I intend to do in order to wake you up.”

“You're not untrustworthy, you're not cold and you're not a bitch. You have... issues. I get that. We all have issues. But once I realized you were lying to me, I began to understand why. You think you never gave yourself away with me. You think you have time to backpedal and pretend nothing happened between us, because that way if anything ever happens to me, you can tell yourself you don't care, and you don't feel the pain.”

“I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s.”

“You want to hit the gym with me?" Ellie wrinkled her button nose. "Gym? Me?" I eyed her skinny self. "You mean you're naturally that gorgeous?" She laughed, flushing a little. "I have good genes." "Yeah, well I have to work-out to fit into mine.”

“I love you. You’re mine. I’ll kill any bastard who tries to take you from me.”

“You know, it's a wonder I managed to squeeze into the room what with your giant-assed ego taking up all the space.”

“For once, I wished I wasn't so broken, so Rhian had a best friend who was strong and not afraid to love, to hold up as an example of what was possible. Instead, I was her excuse that she wasn't being irrational. I was her enabler.”

“A veces, las nubes no eran ingrávidas. A veces sus centros se tornaban oscuros y llenos. Así era la vida. Sucedía. No significaba que no daba miedo, o que yo no estaba todavía asustada, pero ahora sabía que mientras estuviera de pie debajo de ella con Braden a mi lado cuando esas nubes rompieran a llover, yo estaría bien. Estaríamos bajo la lluvia juntos. Sabiendo que Braden tendría un enorme paraguas para refugiarnos de lo peor en él.”

“I might never stop fearing tomorrow, Braden," I admitted calmly. "The future and what it can take from me, scares me. And sometimes I freak out, and sometimes my freak-outs hurt the people closest to me.""I understand that. I can deal with it. You have to trust me.”

“I had a really good family, Braden," I told him softly, pain I'd been hiding for too long threaded in every word.”

“She gave me a lopsided quirk of a smile. "Joss," her voice hoarse, barely audible.I wanted to run. I know. That's horrible. But I wanted to run away from this part. People ending up in hospital had never concluded well in my life, and seeing her there, so vulnerable, so exhausted, just reminded me of how close we might have come to losing her.I felt a hand squeeze mine and I turned my head to see Hannah watching me. She looked as pale as I felt, and her fingers were trembling between mine. She was scared too. I smiled reassuringly at her, hoping I was pulling it off. "Ellie is okay. Come on." I tugged on her hand and pulled her with me to Ellie's bed side. I reached out for the hand Ellie had held out for her mom, and I slid mine into it, feeling relief and love as she gave me a gentle squeeze.”

“Are you insane? I'm not going to change my mind.""Yes you will." Braden sighed. "We're going to need each other through this. All of us. But if you can't do that, then I'm going to play hardball. I'm going to do whatever it takes. Some of it will frustrate you, some of it will turn on, and some of it will hopefully really piss you off.""You are insane.""No." We spun around to see Ellie standing in the kitchen doorway in her bathrobe, wearing a small, exhausted but determined smile. "He's fighting for what he wants.”

“As soon as I got back to the apartment, through the pain of throwing away Braden came the fear. I stared down the hall at Ellie's bedroom door, and I had to stop myself from going back on my promise not to run from her.So I did the opposite.I kicked off my boots, shrugged out of my coat and crept silently into her darkened room. In the moonlight shining through her window, I saw Ellie curled up in a protective ball on her side. I made a move toward her and the floor creaked under my foot, and Ellie's eyes flew open immediately.She gazed up at me, wide-eyed but wary.That hurt.I started to cry harder and at the sight of my tears, a tear slid down Ellie's cheek. Without a word, I crawled onto her bed and right up beside her as she turned onto her back. We lay side by side, my head on her shoulder, and I grabbed her hand and held it in both of mine. "I'm sorry," I whispered."It's okay," Ellie's voice was hoarse with emotion. "You came back."And because life was too short... "I love you, Ellie Carmichael. You're going to get through this."I heard her hitch on a sob. "I love you too, Joss.”

“You love me," he argued, his voice soft, low. "I've seen it.”

“You're afraid. I get it," he bent to murmur comfortingly in my ear. "I know why you ran today, and I know why you're running now. But shit happens, babe, there's no protecting against it. You also can't let it take over your life and rule your relationships with people. We need to enjoy the time we have, however long it's going to be. Stop running.”

“You had a fucking friend who needed you. What the hell was that, Jocelyn?"He shook his head slowly. "Don't," he whispered hoarsely, dipping his head so our noses were almost touching. "Don't do this. Not now. Whatever shit your spinning in that head of yours, stop. She needs you, babe." He shallowed hard, his eyes glimmering in the streetlights. "I need you."I felt that familiar choking in the bottom of my throat. "I didn't ask you to need me," I whispered back.I saw it. The hurt flickered across his face before he quickly banked it. Abruptly, he let go of me. "Fine. I don't have time for your multitude of emotional issues. I have a wee sister who may or may not have brain cancer, and she needs me, even if you don't. But I'll tell you something Jocelyn," he stepped forward, point a finger in my face, his own hardened with anger, "If you don't see her through this, you'll hate yourself for the rest of your life. You can pretend you don't give a shit about me, but you can't pretend Ellie means nothing to you. I've seen you. Do you hear me?" He hissed, his hot breath blowing across my face, his words cutting though my soul. "You love her. You can't sweep that under the rug because it's easier to pretend she means nothing to you than it is to bear the thought of losing her. She deserves better than that.”

“I'm making a list of things that make you agreeable."I scoffed, pushing my foot into his leg. "And all you got is sex and vacations?""The length of the list is not my fault.""Are you saying I'm disagreeable?"He raised an eyebrow. "Woman, how stupid do you think I am? You really think I'm answering that? I want to get laid tonight?"I pushed him harder. "Watch it, or you might get laid to rest."Braden threw his head back and laughed.”

“When I heard the apartment door open everything felt lethargic, like we were moving underwater, struggling slowly against the weight. The sitting room door opened and Braden walked in, his face so pale and eyes so glazed, that I knew before I even looked at tear-streaked Ellie. I knew what fear felt like when it was pulsing from a person, I knew how grief could thicken the air, how it could slam into your chest and cause pain through your whole body. Your eyes, your head, your arms, your legs, even your gums.”

“I settled back on the bed with my own heavy sigh. "The point of this reluctant outpouring of all my crap isn't to make you feel guilty. I don't need anyone to be concerned for me. That's my point. Will that change one day? I don't know. I'm not asking it to. But Rhian, when you trusted James with all you baggage you decided that day that you were asking someone to be concerned. You were tired of being alone. Will staying with him be hard? Yes. Will fighting your fears every day be difficult? Yes. But how he feels for you... jeez, Rhian... that's worth it. And telling yourself that it's okay to run way from him to be alone just because I'm alone and okay with it, is bullshit. I'm alone because I just am. You're alone because you made a choice. And it's the wrong fucking choice.”

“She smiled apologetically. "You're a good person, which makes the fact you don't trust anyone, really hard for the people who care about you. And Braden, when he cares about someone, has to know everything so he can cover all the bases and protect them. He has to be a guy people can trust. It's just who he is. If he started something with you, he'd only be hurt when you refuse to let him in."I only sort of took that in. Mostly, I just kept hearing 'you're a good person, which makes the fact that you don't trust anyone, really hard for the people who care about you.""Am I hurting you, Ellie?" I didn't want to admit how scared I was for her answer.She exhaled, heavily, seeming to weigh her words. "At first I was. But knowing that you don't mean to hurt me helps. Do I wish you'd trust me more? Yes. Am I going to push it? No." She stood up. "Just know that if you ever do decide to trust me, I'm here. And you can tell me anything.”

“Tira y empuja demasiado, y mi Corazón se rompera.”

“Fuckity ... Shit ... Fuck!”

“He made me care and that pissed me off.”

“Eres una buena persona, lo que hace que el hecho de que no confíes en nadie, sea muy difícil para las personas que se preocupan por ti.”

“I just noticed a lack of ego in the room and thought ‘hey, where’s Braden?”

“Do you love him?”Adam looked back at her and she squeezed his arm. With a small smile she turned to her brother. “Yes.”Braden shrugged and reached casually over to the kettle to turn it on. “About bloody time. You two were giving me a headache.”