Stephen Colbert

“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”

“The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion).”

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun”

“Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.”

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your statethat makes people want to flee the Earth?"- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.”

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

“Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.”

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.”

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.”

“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!”

“Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.”

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.”

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

“NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.”

“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“I report, I decide.”

“Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.”

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”

“Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”

“(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock”

“President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)”

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”