Steven Wright

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”