Steven Wright

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“I just lost a buttonhole.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. ”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.”

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Is 'tired old cliché' one?”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“What is the speed of dark?”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”