Steven Wright

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”